Approaching Kinksters in Muggle Spaces

Approaching kinksters in muggle
spaces
So once again I was in a non-kinky space, and was approached by a kinky person I didn’t know.
Who proceeded to “out” me to the non-kinky people we were with. #angryface
I’m pretty “out there” in the kink space – I host events, I teach workshops, I attend munches…
and I post my real face as my avatar. If someone is spending a bit of time online they’ve
probably ‘seen’ me even if they haven’t met me. I’m ok with that.
I’m ok with that because I expect kinksters to have a reasonable amount of discretion and
understand that my sex life, personal relationships, and what I do in the bedroom/dungeon are
not public fodder. I expect that we will both respect the social contract.
I was originally going to write this as “how to approach people” but I recognise that this is a
“how to approach ME” and that what I’m comfortable with might not work for everyone else.
So… if you’re kinky… here’s how to approach ME in a non-kinky space.
If we already know one another

Ok, we’ve hung out at munches, chatted at parties, maybe you’ve attended a workshop I’ve
taught or an event I’ve hosted. Cool. Now you see me in a non-kink environment; maybe it’s a
metal concert, maybe it’s an SCA event, maybe it’s at my work, or maybe it’s just while waiting
for the bus…
1. Please don’t assume that all the people I’m with know I’m kinky. Am I making out with
someone? (yay me!) – please don’t assume THEY know I’m kinky. Please don’t assume
they are kinky too. Don’t assume because I’m a top/dominant that the person I’m with is
a bottom/submissive.
2. If you KNOW the people I’m with are kinky – this is NOT the right occasion to talk
about the last party you and I were both at. Unless everyone else there was at that party
too, you’re violating the discretion of the event in speaking about it. Likewise, at a non-
kinky event, we have a lot of other things to talk about (all those muggle things we’re
actually at the event for) rather than talking about kink. We’re well-rounded people. We
have multiple interests.
3. Please don’t assume I actually know you. I meet a LOT of people through a lot of
different avenues in my life. PLEASE don’t do that “don’t you remember me?” thing. It’s
just awkward for both of us. See “If we don’t know one another” below.
4. Do the “eye contact” thing. Make eye contact. If I look away, don’t come over. If I smile
and wave, come on over. I’ll do the same with you.
5. What would you like to chat about? If we have some non-kink interest in common, that’s
cool. We could talk about that. If you’re coming over to say “hey, I know who you are”
that’s gross. I know who I am. I know what I look like naked, I know that I like kink, I
know what I did at the last play party. None of these are things you need to tell me you
also know. Just no.
If we don’t know one another
Nothing says ‘dangerous stalker’ like some complete stranger approaching you with “I know
who you are but you don’t know me”. This is why I’m a huge proponent of using a face photo in
your profile. We might have talked online a hundred times, but if I don’t recognise you – you’re
a stranger.
In this case, if you recognise me from Fetlife and see me at a non-kink space (grocery store,
museum, walking my dog) and want to approach me… just don’t. Really… just don’t. There’s
nothing you could say that isn’t going to be creepy a.f.
If you want to talk to me – instead come on out to a munch… chat with me at a party… attend a
workshop I’m teaching… come to an event I’m hosting… Move yourself out of this “If we don’t
know one another” category and into the other.
...& I'll do the same for you. So - how would YOU like to be approached in
muggle space?
On mentorship
Recently someone I know slightly contacted me about mentorship – he was looking for a mentor
and wanted to know if I’d be interested and available.
“If I mentor you, I won’t play with you. I won’t fuck you.”
My reply was unexpected.
His previous ‘mentor’ had been his dominant in all but name. She had given him instructions,
controlled his actions to an extent they had agreed upon, she played with him, fucked him, and
restricted him from playing with others. She requested a commitment from him, but as his
mentor and not his dominant, was unable (unwilling?) to offer any commitment to him. He
thought that this was a fine way of gaining the experience he wanted and needed, with the hope
that once he passed ‘the test’, and proved himself a willing and obedient student, that she would
take him as her submissive.
Now, there are lots of people who of course like this arrangement quite a bit, (more power to ya)
but it doesn’t really work for me.
For me, the mentor/protégéé relationship is still a consensual power-exchange relationship… but
a mentorship isn’t a proving grounds towards a collar… My own belief is that tops and
dominants aren’t always the best mentors for bottoms/submissives either.
His inquiry, and a few discussions with him and others made me think about putting some of
these thoughts down…
Of course, as with everything, this is negotiable. We can only enter into a power-exchange
relationship as two equals… and as my equal, a potential protégéé has the ability to negotiate
some of these terms… but here they are as a starting ground…
As your mentor, I won’t play with you.

I’m not your playmate, your dominant, or your top. I’m your mentor. I am willing to demonstrate
how different tools and techniques feel, I am willing to show you how to use different toys, and I
am willing to let you see how different things work, but it’s a demonstration, not a play-date. The
limit of our power-exchange begins and ends with the mentor/protégéé relationship, not in the
dungeon. I will however, support you playing with others.
As your mentor, I won’t fuck you.

There are far too many weird, wacky emotions that come into play (yours and mine) when sex
gets involved. This isn’t my goal. If you want me to mentor you, it shouldn’t be yours either. If I
were to fuck you it would be taking advantage of this power-exchange, and the (consensual)
authority I have. This would be all sorts of not-fucking-cool.
As your mentor, I’m here to talk to you.

I’m here as a sounding board, someone to ask advice, someone to work out things that are
challenging you. I’m also here to tell you when you’re fucking shit up, when you’re taking
unnecessary risks, when you’re walking a line between safe(r) and stupid.
As your mentor, I will make recommendations about who you do, and do not play with.
Generally this will be broad, but there will be people I will steer you away from. There will be
people I will encourage you to spend time with. I will not pimp you out to my friends, I will not
pimp my friends out to you. I will be a supportive friend when you go out to munches and other
things to meet new people. If our perspectives on who is awesome vs. awful is TOO different,
we will not have a good mentor/protégéé relationship.
As your mentor, I will share with you.

I will share my experiences, my heartaches, my failures, my joys, and all the rest with you. In
turn I expect your discretion and your respect. I am the person I am because of my triumphs and
my mistakes. You are the person you are for the same reasons.
As your mentor, I will teach you.

… where appropriate.
See, it’s reasonably easy to get someone to teach you a physical skill. It’s harder to connect with
someone who has a similar-enough outlook on the ethics of kink, how to approach scenes,
effective negotiation, etc… That latter part is where I think mentorship should focus. Yes, I can
teach you how to flog – BUT I will also encourage you to attend workshops/etc to learn flogging
from a half-dozen other teachers, and then develop your own style from those skills. If our
flogging styles aren’t a match – that’s far less important to me than our outlooks on the
community and the lifestyle.
The right match

While finding the right mentor is obviously a challenge, it’s a two-way street. The reason I
consider it a form of a consensual power-exchange relationship is because the protégéé is
looking to gain something the mentor has – skill, experience, etc. They’re also asking for time,
connections, experience, reputation, advice, support, perhaps even someone in their corner if
things go awry. These are also the reasons why not every potential protégéé is the right match for
the potential mentor

Approaching Kinksters in Muggle Spaces

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Approaching Kinksters in Muggle Spaces

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Approaching Kinksters in Muggle Spaces

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Approaching kinksters in muggle

So… if you’re kinky… here’s how to approach ME in a non-kinky space.

If we already know one another

As your mentor, I won’t play with you.

As your mentor, I won’t fuck you.

As your mentor, I’m here to talk to you.

As your mentor, I will share with you.

As your mentor, I will teach you.

The right match

You might also like

Pfad - The Proxy pFad of © 2024 Garber Painting. All rights reserved.