10 Tips to Effective & Active Listening Skills

Written by Susie Michelle Cortright

Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication. In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk. Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn. The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to. While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Heres what good listeners know and you should, too: 1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language. 2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable. 3. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same. 4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (uh-huh and um-hmm) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as Really, Interesting, as well as more direct prompts: What did you do then? and What did she say?

5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point. 6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation. 7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking. Have you tried and tried but your best is still not good enough? Dont know what to do next? Talk to a mentor. 8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out. 9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They wont feel the need to repeat it, and youll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come inand be ready for more. 10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you wont interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didnt misunderstand. Start with: So youre saying As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view. Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadnt said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.

"We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."

10 Ti Skill

t Effecti e & Acti e Li tening

C nicati ns - Listening Skills Written by Susie C rtright

Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by acting as a mo for del positive and effective communication. In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk. Listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn. The Techni ue. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to. While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re -develop) the skills. Here's what good listeners know -- and you should, too: 1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language. 2. Mai tai eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable. 3. Mini i e external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.

4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand . Murmur ("uh-huh" and "umhmm") and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as "Really," "Interesting," as well as more direct prompts: "What did you do then?" and "What did she say?" 5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point. 6. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation. 7. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking. 8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation . Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out. 9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won't feel the need to repeat it, and you'll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come inand be ready for more. 10. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won't interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn't misunderstand. Start with: "So you're saying" As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand all points of view. Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn't said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.

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How can we tell what a speaker intends to say next or what meaning the speaker intends to convey?3. How does perception influence interpretation? [Source: Brown, H.D., 1994, p. 233]

Listening to long stretches of talk is not an easy task. For instance, in a lecture, you have to be able to, not only concentrate on what the speaker is saying, but at

the same time you need to also be able to predict what the speaker is going to say next. This is important for it helps you to get an overall understanding of what the talk is about in addition to helping you in writing your notes. As mentioned in the preceding chapters, there are cues that you need to be aware of. For example in a lecture, phrases such as Today Im going to talk about and Firstly and My point is that are some clues to what the speaker signals as important or how s/he is structuring the talk. Lets do some of the following activities to help you become aware of some of these skills.