Emotional infidelity: The flirtation that undermines couples

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(Image credit: Getty)

By Katie Bishop6th October 2022

But while physical infidelity might be easy to define, emotional infidelity can be something
of a minefield. Although the phrase is well known, people tend to have different ideas of
what it means to be emotionally unfaithful. Is it a drink with a colleague whom you might be
attracted to? How about exchanging frequent messages with someone your partner
perceives to be a threat? Or what about leaving mildly flirty comments on a stranger’s
social-media post? 

Grappling with different definitions of emotional infidelity can be a challenge for couples,
and a mismatch in expectations could threaten a relationship. But it hasn’t always been
this way. The concept of emotional fidelity is relatively new – the product of social changes
that have shaped what people expect from relationships, beyond basic needs. Today,
people generally expect partnership to mean a shared emotional intimacy exclusive to the
relationship. And as the digital age creates more ways for us to communicate,
understanding which interactions outside the relationship cross the line into dangerous
territory has become more difficult than ever. 

A modern concept 

Broadly, emotional infidelity describes a situation in which an individual in a relationship

Each partner has their own specific view of what constitutes cheating – Marisa Cohen
Just like physical cheating, emotional infidelity can tear couples apart.    

But the idea that emotional infidelity might be the death knell for some relationships is fairly
new. According to Michelle Janning, a professor of sociology at Whitman College,
Washington, US, who specialises in social roles, family and relationships, the belief that
one can be emotionally unfaithful is a relatively modern concept. 
Janning believes that today’s framing of long-term partnership – as “a lifetime of
monogamous companionship between two people with emotional connectedness as the
superglue that holds them together” – is the product of recent shifts. Historically, she
points out, a spouse wasn’t expected to meet their partner’s emotional needs. Marriage
was often based around economic security, geography, family ties and reproductive goals;
in marriages that were not founded in love, it was understood that people might find
emotional fulfilment elsewhere.    

But throughout the past 200 years, our understanding of relationships has changed. In
developed nations, love matches have become the norm, and within the last century the
rise of individualism has meant that people have started to prioritise self-care and self-
fulfilment. 

Today, people want their partner to meet their emotional needs – meaning that fulfilling a
third party’s emotional needs could, for the first time, be seen as a betrayal. Being
physically faithful may no longer be enough; now, many couples believe that turning to a
third party for some aspects of happiness and emotional wellbeing can be a kind of
betrayal.  

Some people might see their partner forming emotionally vulnerable friendships with third
parties as a betrayal, while others are fine with it (Credit: Getty)
Defining emotional infidelity in a digital age 

Before technology became embedded in our lives, emotional infidelity might have meant
striking up an inappropriately close friendship with a colleague, sharing feelings or
thoughts that a partner might assume only they were privy to. It might also have meant
meeting up with an ex behind a partner’s back, hiding aspects of life from a partner who
expected their loved one to be an open book. 

But the digital revolution has offered up many more ways for people to connect, blurring
the lines between what is and isn’t a meeting or interaction, as well as offering a more
anonymised way of communicating via screens that can enable people to feel that no rules
are being broken. 

“Social media in general has changed the way we meet and interact with others,” says
Amira Johnson, a mental- and behavioural-health expert at Berman Psychotherapy,
Atlanta, US. With smartphones and social media platforms, she says, it’s easy to engage
in behaviour that might lead to emotional infidelity – such as liking or commenting on
another person’s picture, contacting old friends or engaging strangers in debate. 

Of course, people will have different views on what is and isn’t allowed. While some might
consider liking a particular person’s social media post to be infidelity, others might think
this is nothing to worry about. In some relationships, there is a general understanding that
deeply personal conversations should stay between partners, while for others, emotionally
vulnerable friendships are something that everyone should enjoy. Flirting with someone
over text message could be harmless to some couples, while for others it would be
relationship-ending. 

“Each partner has their own specific view of what constitutes cheating, which can range
from creating connections with others, to spending time with another individual that the
partner may perceive to be a threat, even if that relationship is completely platonic,” says
Marisa Cohen, a relationship scientist at dating app Hily.

Problems arise when partners have different red lines - which is why communication is key
(Credit: Getty)
Split or survive? 

In general, research shows people find sexual infidelity more troubling than emotional
infidelity. But a 2015 YouGov study of 1,660 British adults showed 44% of respondents
believed forming an emotional (rather than physical) relationship with someone who
wasn’t their partner constituted cheating. Meanwhile, 15% of respondents said they
had engaged in this kind of behaviour while in a relationship. 

According to Johnson, it is precisely the blurry nature of emotional infidelity that leads to its
prevalence. With physical infidelity, it is often clear when a line has been crossed.
Emotional infidelity might begin much more gradually, with behaviour that an individual can
initially justify to themselves. 

“Most people who commit emotional infidelity are not intentionally trying to,” says Johnson.
“If a person feels that their significant other does not value them, or have time for them,
they will seek that feeling elsewhere. They may invest in a friendship that gives them that
support or emotional affection, which unintentionally leads to the brewing of feelings.” 

Yet while some emotional affairs might be the first step on the path to physical infidelity, for
others building relationships outside coupledom is a way to find support, intimacy and
connection without relying on just one person forever. Having friendships and support
systems outside a relationship is a positive thing that can boost our wellbeing. The
issue comes when a friendship develops into something that we suspect our partner would
be unhappy with.   

Cohen says, in most cases, emotional infidelity comes from a place of distance between
partners. If someone is already unhappy in a relationship or has grown apart from their
significant other, perhaps because they have started to want different things in life, then
they may start to seek connection with someone who more closely matches them in terms
of their goals, values and beliefs. Initially innocuous interactions could then shift over time
to something which would constitute an emotional affair. 

Janning believes that couples' abilities to weather this kind of event is linked to whether
they can talk through, and agree on, boundaries. “I think it’s also about people’s
willingness to continually redefine what commitment may mean, and thus redefine what
infidelity means,” she says. “The trouble for couples lies when they don’t align in their
definition of commitment.” 

Evidence suggests that some people are becoming more open-minded when it comes to
non-traditional relationship structures and consensual non-monogamy. Yet at the same
time there’s broad consensus that, however you define it as a couple, crossing the line
into cheating harms relationships. It’s possible that increased scrutiny of what modern
monogamy really means, combined with a need to find answers to new questions raised
by the social media age, could be opening up conversations around emotional infidelity. 
"Partners still want clarity and parameters, but they want to decide these for themselves,
more than ever before,” says Janning.