The Narcissistic Family Tree

The Narcissistic Family Tree
Clinical experience and research show that adult children of narcissists have a difficult time
putting their finger on what is wrong because denial is rampant in the narcissistic family
system:
“The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged

anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from
periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue about how he or she got
that way.”
—Pressman and Pressman, The Narcissistic Family
It is common for adult children of narcissists to enter treatment with emotional symptoms
or relationship issues, but simultaneously display a lack of awareness of the deeper etiology
or cause.
The narcissistic family hides profound pain.
Such families tend to operate according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live
with those rules, but never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block
their emotional access to their parents. They basically become invisible—neither heard,
seen, or nurtured. Conversely, and tragically, this set of rules allows the parents to have no
boundaries with the children and to use (or abuse) them as they see fit.
The following are some common dynamics of this profoundly dysfunctional

intergenerational system. (Keep in mind there are always degrees of dysfunction on a
spectrum depending on the level of narcissism in the parents.)
1. Secrets.
The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children’s emotional needs, or that
they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to the
children: “Don’t tell the outside world—pretend everything is fine.”
2. Image.
The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: “We are bigger, better, have no
problems, and must put on the face of perfection.” Children get the messages: “What would
the neighbors think?” “What would the relatives think?” What would our friends think?”
These are common fears in the family: “Always put a smile on that pretty little face.”
3. Negative Messages.
Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized, typically: “You’re
not good enough”; “You don’t measure up”; “You are valued for what you do rather than for
who you are.”
4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy.
In healthy families, there is a strong parental hierarchy in which the parents are in charge
and shining love, light, guidance, and direction down to the children. In narcissistic families,
this hierarchy is non-existent; the children are there to serve parental needs.
5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In.
Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and
show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental.
6. Lack of Effective Communication.
The most common means of communication in narcissistic families is triangulation.

Information is not direct. It is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back
to the other party. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family
but don’t confront each other directly. This creates passive-aggressive behavior, tension,
and mistrust. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.
7. Unclear Boundaries.
There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Children’s feelings are not considered
important. Private diaries are read, physical boundaries are not kept, and emotional
boundaries are not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family
history.
8. One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting.

If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the other parent to have to revolve around the
narcissist to keep the marriage intact. Often, this other parent has redeeming qualities to
offer the children but is tied up meeting the needs of the narcissistic spouse, leaving the
children’s needs unmet. Who is there for them?
9. Siblings Not Encouraged to Be Close.

In healthy families, we encourage our children to be loving and close to each other. In
narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is
a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some are favored or seen as
“the golden child,” and others become the scapegoat for a parent’s projected negative
feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each
other.
November 29, 2017

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The Narcissistic Family Tree

“The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged

—Pressman and Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

The narcissistic family hides profound pain.

The following are some common dynamics of this profoundly dysfunctional

4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy.

5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In.

6. Lack of Effective Communication.

The most common means of communication in narcissistic families is triangulation.

8. One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting.

9. Siblings Not Encouraged to Be Close.

November 29, 2017

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