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Cross-Country
Wyld (All the Birds, Singing), and Peter Carey, who is notably one
INTR
INTRODUCTION
ODUCTION of only four writers to ever win the Booker Prize twice (for his
novels Oscar and Lucinda and True History of the Kelly Gang).
BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF CATE KENNEDY
Born in England to Australian parents, Cate Kennedy moved
KEY FACTS
back to Australia and spent her childhood living across many
parts of the country as her father travelled for his job in the Air • Full Title: Cross-Country
Force. A graduate of the University of Canberra and Australian • Where Written: Australia
National University, Kennedy has taught creative writing at the • When Published: 2012
University of Melbourne and several other schools in Australia.
• Literary Period: Contemporary
Besides teaching, Kennedy’s employment record is quite
varied, including working as a customs worker, tutor, and • Genre: Short story
waitress. Well-known as a short-story writer, Cate Kennedy is • Setting: Australia
also a respected writer in other genres such as poetry, memoir, • Climax: Rebecca realizes that she hasn’t been following her
and nonfiction. She has won numerous awards; impressively, ex-partner’s running club results online; instead, the results
she was shortlisted for the Australian Literary Gold Medal for belong to a child who shares her ex’s name.
her first novel, The World Beneath. Currently, Cate Kennedy • Antagonist: Grief
resides in Victoria, Australia.
• Point of View: First and Second Person

HISTORICAL CONTEXT EXTRA CREDIT

Cate Kennedy is a contemporary Australian writer. Though the Far from Home. Cate Kennedy spent two years in Mexico
exact year in which “Cross-Country” is set is unclear, it’s during the 1990s, teaching literacy.
evident that the protagonist’s experiences with cyber stalking
are unique to the 21st century. By the time Kennedy published
“Cross-Country” in her 2012 collection Like A House on Fire , the PL
PLO
OT SUMMARY
internet had been around for decades, ultimately changing the
way people communicate. Despite the internet’s myriad The narrator, Rebecca has just experienced a painful breakup,
benefits and unique ability to connect people with one another, but her friends’ empty clichés and platitudes encouraging her
“Cross-Country” illustrates the detrimental effects that this to get over it and move on only make her feel worse and more
hyper-connectivity can have on emotionally vulnerable people. isolated. Instead, she turns to the internet for solace and
information. Rebecca decides to type her ex-partner’s name
RELATED LITERARY WORKS into the search bar. Searching for information about an ex
online surely isn’t as deplorable as showing up at their house
During a 2013 interview published in the Griffith Review, Cate unannounced to harass them, she thinks. She also rationalizes
Kennedy reveals her deep appreciation for ordinary life. Most that since she financially supported him through graduate
of her fiction depicts ordinary people, illuminating some aspect school, she has a right to know what he’s up to and if he’s
of the human experience in an imaginative and poignant way. finished his thesis. Unable to resist peeping into his online life,
This tradition hearkens back to classic works like George Eliot’s Rebecca tumbles through pages upon pages of search results,
Middlemar
Middlemarch ch and Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, which focus on quickly filtering out those that have nothing to do with him.
the rich complexities of everyday life. “Cross-Country,” in
Eating instant noodles from a Styrofoam cup, Rebecca
particular, tackles the uniquely modern issue of the internet’s
ruminates over grief. To her, people willingly console others
impact on relationships and reputations, a topic that is
when they’ve lost a loved one through death. But when
becoming particularly popular in the YA genre, in such books as
someone has lost a loved one through a breakup, they are
Becky Albertalli's Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda and Sara
avoided instead. Rebecca isolates herself from her friends and
Darer Littman's Backlash. As a contemporary Australian writer,
coworkers, finding comfort in the internet and the answers she
Cate Kennedy resides amongst an impressive canon of
hopes it might provide. After sifting through the search results,
Australian literature that demonstrates the country’s diverse
she finds her ex’s name listed on a cross-country running
populace. Beside Cate Kennedy at the forefront of Australian
club’s roster. She takes this small piece of information and uses
fiction are such writers as Liane Moriarty (Big Little Lies), Evie
it to create elaborate fantasies about what her ex has been

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doing since he moved out of their shared apartment. that she hadn’t before: a title heading on the results page. Two
Certain that he’s taken a step back from academia, Rebecca words shatter her fantasies: “Under-fourteens.” Shocked,
imagines her ex engaging in post-run barbeques and physically Rebecca stares at those two words, which tell her that she’s
exerting himself past the point of exhaustion. Julie from work been mistakenly following the running career of a child with the
calls, interrupting Rebecca’s daydreams. Rebecca divulges her same name as her ex-partner. Rebecca clicks out of the screen,
new plan to Julie: she’s going to start jogging then join a illuminated by the blue light of her computer shutting down.
running club. But before she can go for her first jog, she has to The machine’s little melody plays, indicating that the computer
go to the mall to buy the shoes. Maybe later, she thinks. Falling has turned off and that it’s finally time for her to move on.
back into her fantasies about her ex, Rebecca pictures herself
overtaking him in a race. He watches her, impressed by her
poise and speed. In another version of her fantasies, Rebecca CHARA
CHARACTERS
CTERS
delivers a low blow by asking about the status of his thesis, Rebecca – Rebecca is the protagonist and narrator of “Cross-
having found out through more internet digging that he did not Country.” She spends most of the story experiencing various
present it at the last conference he attended. stages of grief about the recent end of her relationship. Feeling
Looking through the stack of CDs her ex left behind, Rebecca despondent after her breakup, Rebecca takes time off from
stumbles across the CD of a country girl group she and her ex work to heal. Desperate for answers and for distraction from
had seen together. She remembers enjoying their lip-gloss, big her pain, she shuts her friends out and instead resorts to
hair, and twang while her ex spent the entire evening obsessively Googling her ex-partner’s name online to find out
complaining. Afterward, he even took to calling them the what he’s been up to since he moved out. After sifting through
“Tammy Wynette Hormone Band” whenever Rebecca would pages of irrelevant search results, Rebecca finds something
play the CD at home. Listening to the “high and lonesome intriguing: her ex has joined a cross-country running club.
sound” of their music now, Rebecca muses over memories of Instead of filling her doctor’s prescription for antidepressants,
her ex that make her realize that perhaps she deserves better Rebecca spends her time off work stalking her ex’s running club
than “a guy who checks his watch every three minutes” while results online and listening to the music her ex hated to soothe
they’re out together. She wonders what the girls in the band her wounds. Like a dog with a bone, Rebecca takes a tiny scrap
are t doing now. Rebecca figures they’re probably doing better of information (her ex’s name on a cross-country running club
than her current state, dressed in stretched-out sweatpants roster) and squeezes every possible imagined scenario out of it.
and eating a spinster’s serving of dehydrated space food. She luxuriates in all the possibilities it provides—maybe he has
Drifting in and out of her cross-country running daydreams, finally given up on his graduate thesis and stepped away from
Rebecca realizes something: she doesn’t have any idea what academia, or maybe he’s finding new satisfaction in physically
someone actually does during a cross-country race. Running exerting himself. But it’s not just a new version of her ex that
through various scenarios in her mind, she’s interrupted by a Rebecca fantasizes about. Soon after these fantasies begin,
phone call from her boss. He reminds her that she’s exhausted Rebecca includes herself in them, easily outrunning her ex and
her sick leave and is required to be back at work on Monday. impressing him with her athleticism and poise. These fictional
While still on this call, Rebecca slips back into her reverie, scenarios become the stage where Rebecca plays out
checking her ex’s running results online yet again. She sees that explanations for why their relationship ended. Ultimately, she
he is now ranked 42nd on the roster, and imagines him finds out that her ex is not part of the cross-country club after
wallowing in defeat and calling her to reconcile. Deep inside an all—he merely shares a name with a local 14-year-old runner.
elaborate reconciliation fantasy, her boss briefly pulls her away Rebecca is thus forced to recognize the futility of her fantasies,
from her imagination and back to real life. remarking at the human capacity “to invent what we need.”
Kennedy uses Rebecca’s character to explore grief as it is
After the phone call with her boss, Rebecca resolves to call the
experienced through a breakup (rather than a death),
running club to ask about joining. On some level, she knows it’s
illuminating the unhealthy coping mechanisms that can go
illogical to pursue this—her ex-partner made it quite clear he
hand-in-hand with isolation after a major life change such as
did not want to salvage the relationship and has no intention of
this.
allowing her back in his life. Yet she’s still convinced that the
next phone call she receives will be from her ex, certain that his Rebecca
Rebecca’s ’s e
ex-partner
x-partner – The man who has recently broken up
cross-country failures have “beaten [him] into remorse and with Rebecca. The reader’s understanding of Rebecca’s ex-
resignation” even though she knows he never played sports. partner comes solely from Rebecca. Because the story is
She knows he actually hates sport altogether, and refuses to do narrated from a first- and second-person perspective, it is
“anything he wasn’t an expert at.” difficult to determine if any of the information presented about
Rebecca’s ex can be interpreted as anything but biased. He isn’t
Returning to the search portal, Rebecca refreshes the page
given a name even though most of the story’s plot revolves
with the running results from last week. She notices something

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around her grief over their breakup. Her ex-partner’s THE INTERNET, CYBER-STALKING, AND
namelessness allows the reader to extrapolate his or her own PRIVACY
details about an ex into the shell of this character, almost
Cate Kennedy’s short story “Cross-Country”
ensuring the reader’s empathy for Rebecca throughout her
explores a particular way the internet can affect
narration. The actions of this character mostly occur inside
relationships after they end: cyber-stalking an ex-partner.
Rebecca’s fantasies about beating him in a race after searching
Through the use of first- and second-person narration, the
for information about him online and discovering his name on
narrator and protagonist, Rebecca, makes the reader complicit
the roster of a cross-country running club, rather than in
in her online stalking. She makes it seem inarguable: anybody
actual interactions between him and Rebecca. Interspersed
would Google their ex after a bad break-up. By positing cyber-
with running fantasies, Rebecca’s memories about her ex start
stalking as just the uglier side of human nature, Rebecca makes
to surface, reminding her it’s perhaps a good thing that their
her actions seem innocuous rather than invasive. Beyond her
relationship is past saving. For Rebecca, healing comes with
ex-partner’s right to privacy, she is seemingly indifferent about
time and distance from her ex. Rebecca’s healing occurs
how seeing his name or his pictures will make her feel, not
partially by grieving and accepting the loss of him, and partially
caring if they make her sad or jealous. The internet offers
by filling that void with endless made-up scenarios. By the end
Rebecca a temporary relief after a breakup—but while viewing
of the story, the reader learns that Rebecca’s ex never joined a
snippets of her ex’s life online may help ease the immediate
cross-country running club after all—he merely shares a name
pain of him moving out, it doesn’t change the fact that the
with a local 14-year-old runner.
relationship is over, nor does it help her move forward with her
Julie – Julie is Rebecca’s friend from work. Interrupting life. In “Cross-Country,” Cate Kennedy considers the internet’s
Rebecca’s nosedive into a sea of relevant search results for her potentially detrimental role in healing after a bad breakup,
ex-partner’s name, Julie calls. Julie is Rebecca’s first reminder suggesting that the ease and relative anonymity of the internet
that a real world exists outside her self-delusion and has blurred the line between what’s harmless and what’s
compulsive internet usage. Instead of using this phone call to invasive when it comes to searching other people online.
tether herself back to reality, though, Rebecca tells Julie about
Kennedy’s protagonist attempts to justify her questionable
her new plan to get fit: cross-country running. Julie is
Google searches, asserting that seeking out information about
skeptical, but Rebecca insists upon her commitment to this
her ex online isn’t just acceptable, it’s her right to do so—even
lifestyle change by telling Julie, “I’m going out today to buy the
though her ex-partner appears to disagree. She rationalizes her
shoes.”
cyber-stalking by claiming, “It’s just a few shreds of information
Rebecca
Rebecca’s ’s boss – While Rebecca is lost in her rich fantasy life in I want. I supported him for a year, after all; surely I have a right
the wake of her breakup, her boss calls to inform her that she’s to know whether he’s finally submitted that thesis and where,
exhausted her sick leave. Lost in a philosophical reverie over incidentally, the graduation ceremony is going to be held.”
the pointlessness of running, Rebecca receives a call from her Rebecca struggles with the harsh transition from being her ex’s
boss telling her that she has to come back to work on Monday. life partner (and financial supporter) to being a veritable
Up until now, she’d been screening all his calls. Amidst her stranger, and thus decides that since she was at one point privy
boss’s empty platitudes, Rebecca slips back into a reconciliation to the happenings of her ex-boyfriend’s life, she should still be
fantasy about her ex-partner. Using Rebecca’s name for the allowed to know what he’s up to. However, the story suggests
first time in the story, her boss asks if she’s still on the line. that Rebecca’s ex-partner has no intention of letting her back
However, not even a call from her boss shakes Rebecca from into his life. She notes, “It takes a special kind of thoroughness
her indulgent fantasies. Although it doesn’t seem that Rebecca […] for him to redirect even his superannuation statement and
has jeopardized her job by taking time off work to grieve this subscriptions to his new address […] suggesting that he’d do
breakup, it is clear that her boss isn’t giving her any more time anything rather than leave a single excuse for re-contact.”
to wallow in her sweatpants. Rebecca seems to be aware that her ex-partner does not want
her to contact him, which makes it clear that her search efforts
are indeed invasive and undesired.
THEMES As Rebecca continues her search, the story raises the question
In LitCharts literature guides, each theme gets its own color- of whether the ease and anonymity of typing someone’s name
coded icon. These icons make it easy to track where the themes into a search engine really means that it’s a harmless thing to
occur most prominently throughout the work. If you don't have do—or if that ease and anonymity means that it’s dangerously
a color printer, you can still use the icons to track themes in easy to invade someone’s privacy. Continuing to rationalize her
black and white. behavior, Rebecca suggests that what she is doing is nowhere
near as bad as in-person stalking. She claims, “It’s not as if I’m
going to go over there, drive past his house, lie on his lawn

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drunk and make a scene, harass him.” Instead of invading her ex- room quilt” and eating noodles from a Styrofoam cup while
boyfriend’s physical space, Rebecca is able to hide behind the scouring the internet for information about her ex and his new
anonymity of a computer screen. Because she’s just lying life. After sifting through pages and pages of search results, she
around in her pajamas in the middle of the night and typing finally finds a lead: her ex’s name is now on the roster for a
things into the computer, it seems like her searches aren’t all cross-country running club across town. As the story unfolds,
that bad—after all, she’s not harming anyone. However, the the narrator fantasizes about casually joining the same running
story emphasizes that the person whose “desk drawer Google club as him and impressing him with her extraordinary speed
has no qualms about throwing open” typically has no idea it and impeccable poise. By the end of the story, a disappointing
ever happened, making internet searches seem eerie and discovery shatters the narrator’s happy delusions: she realizes
violating in their one-sidedness. So, while Rebecca feels a the roster is for kids 14 and younger, and that her ex has not, in
comforting sense of anonymity as she sifts through search fact, joined a running club, making all of her fantasies a waste of
results to find where her ex is now living and what groups he time. With this, Kennedy suggests that while Rebecca’s
belongs to, the story suggests that it’s not a good thing that elaborate fantasies about her ex offer temporary relief from
she’s able—and willing—to unearth this kind of information her pain, they are ultimately harmful because she is putting her
about someone who clearly no longer wants her in his life. healing on pause in favor of escaping reality.
When Rebecca finally stumbles upon a piece of information Part of the elaborate fantasy Rebecca creates includes how she
about her ex, she fantasizes about how she might use that will turn herself into a cross-country runner to win her ex back,
information to weasel her way back into his life—yet another or at least impress him. This scenario, which ends in the
indication that her online searching is intrusive and arguably possibility of the couple getting back together and presents her
creepy. She notes, “He’s on some kind of roster. […] A roster for in a flattering light, dulls the pain of the breakup—but only
a sporting club. […] Just on the other side of the city, probably. temporarily. Rebecca imagines, “I’m pounding easily along the
One of those beachside suburbs he always said he’d like to live hilltop in an interclub event. I’m not even puffing as I overtake
in.” Upon finding her ex’s name on a roster for a local cross- him, despite the spurt he puts on. […] I flash him a surprised-
country running club, Rebecca quickly uses that small shred of yet-calm smile of recognition, a flutter of the fingers, and pull
information to discern where he is now living, which leaves away.” This fantasy allows the narrator to feel self-assured and
readers to wonder if she actually does intend to stalk him in- light as air as she breezily waves hello to her ex and effortlessly
person. Rebecca immediately begins to daydream about joining glides down the road. When the narrator momentarily snaps
the very same running club. The daydream, of which there are out of her fantasy, though, she feels “heavy as a stone.” Her
several versions, is a “short film looping in [her] head” of her fantasy may have allowed her to feel breezy and light for a
running effortlessly during one of the club’s events and dazzling minute, but the feeling quickly dissipates. Later, Rebecca
her ex with her independence and poise, presumably to either resolves to get up, shower, get dressed, and go to the mall to
win him back or make him regret ending the relationship. buy running shoes—the first step to having a “torso tight as a
At the end of the story, Rebecca’s hopes of impressing her ex rubber band, my number tied and flapping across my chest, my
are dashed when she finally realizes that the roster is headed shapely arms working like pistons as I make him eat my dust.”
with the words “Under-fourteens.” After all her planning and Here, her simple to-do list quickly dissolves into full-out
daydreaming, Rebecca has only found information about a local fantasy. She envisions herself, tanned and taut with muscle,
kid with the same name as ex. After grappling with the shock of easily overtaking her ex in a race, allowing her to momentarily
this, Rebecca clicks out of the window and turns off her forget that she’s actually lying around with “greasy hair and
computer with a sense of finality. The distraction she felt while unwashed pajamas” and doesn’t know the first thing about
cyber-stalking her ex was a digital bandage for grief, but running.
pixelated names and photos of an ex aren’t the same as actually Even though these daydreams make Rebecca feel better while
processing the loss of that person. Though she doesn’t seem she’s indulging in them, the story suggests that this kind of
repentant for her invasive searches, she does grasp that they escapism prevents her from accepting the breakup and
were fruitless. Scouring the internet for any sign of her ex didn’t adjusting to life without her ex-partner. At one point in the
change the fact that the relationship is over and that she now story, Rebecca’s boss calls to inform her that she’s used up all
must move on. her sick leave and is expected to be at work on Monday.
However, mid-call, Rebecca slips into yet another daydream
FANTASY AND SELF-DELUSION about her ex. With this, the story suggests that Rebecca has
spent so many days Google searching and fantasizing about her
In Cate Kennedy’s “Cross-Country,” Rebecca’s
ex that it’s taken over her life. This kind of behavior has chained
daydreams about her ex-partner offer a form of
Rebecca to her computer and to her house, preventing her
escapism from her grief. In the wake of the breakup,
from picking up her life—and her work—and moving forward.
she is deep in a depressive episode, swaddled in her “spare-

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Rebecca’s fantasizing also seems unproductive because it how Rebecca thought the relationship was going, her ex-
completely contradicts what her ex-partner wanted for their partner shut down the possibility of talking it through: “I think
breakup. She remembers him saying, “I think it’s pointless it’s clear to both of us it’s not working.” With this, Rebecca’s ex
considering mediation at this stage. I think it would be best to make swiftly pulled the plug on their relationship, stamping out any
a clean break.” In fixating on fantasies of her ex wanting to work hope of mending things between them. Once he’s moved out,
things out—when he clearly has no interest in doing so—she is Rebecca’s ex-partner does everything in his power to make
preventing herself from also making the “clean break” that will sure Rebecca can’t contact him again, essentially erasing all
allow her to move on. Toward the end of the story, when traces of himself from her life. She notes, “It takes a special kind
Rebecca suddenly realizes that the running-club roster she’s of thoroughness, a particular grim determination to sever all
been looking at is for children, not adults, this new information ties, for him to redirect even his superannuation statements
“go[es] off in a blinding flash like a grenade,” snapping her out of and subscriptions to his new address.” The language in this
her daydreams and waking her up to real life. As she sits in passage—particularly “thoroughness,” “grim,” and “sever all
shock, “dully open-mouthed,” it’s clear that all her fantasizing ties”—paints the breakup like a death, tragic and final. Rebecca
has been for nothing. Her ex is not part of some cross-country continues, adding, “Even the mail he would have thrown away
running club across town, the narrator can’t show up at an immediately never arrives now, suggesting he’d do anything
event and outrun him, and they’re not getting back together. rather than leave a single excuse for re-contact.” Rebecca’s ex-
Throughout the story, Rebecca’s fantasies about her ex are partner effectively makes himself dead to her, ensuring that she
interspersed with unpleasant memories of him: he never could can never reach him again.
manage to finish his thesis, she had to support him financially, Grappling with the shock of her loss, Rebecca desperately
and he could never relax and have fun. Although her fantasies searches for answers that would explain why they broke
often dredge up these kinds of memories throughout the up—one of many iterations of her grief. At the beginning of the
course of the story, it’s not until the end that these bad story, Rebecca explains, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t
memories pile up and she begins to realize that maybe he’s not need to talk. I need someone else to talk. I need answers.” Given
worth pining over. And while all of her fantasizing did keep her that Rebecca’s partner was not interested in talking through
from moving on, it perhaps also helped remind her that the the breakup—instead simply announcing that “it’s not
relationship ended for a reason, and that she’s better off on her working”—it seems that Rebecca doesn’t really understand why
own: “ready or not, it’s time to roll the credits.” he left her (or found his reasons unsatisfactory) and is now
looking for “an explanation that makes sense” to gain some
BREAKUPS AND GRIEF closure.
In “Cross Country,” Cate Kennedy explores how Overwhelmed by her loss, Rebecca feels like nobody
grief can play out after the end of a relationship. understands her pain, and she becomes increasingly isolated.
Denoting feelings of deep sadness, grief is most Rebecca is critical of “people who tell you to get out and move
commonly associated with the sorrow one experiences after a on” after a breakup, depicting their advice as thoroughly
loved one passes away. However, Kennedy expands that typical unhelpful. Rather than offering her empathy, people feed her
association to include the pain of losing a loved one through a “easy clichés like something off a desk calendar,” like “Living well
breakup. After Rebecca’s partner leaves her, she feels further is the best revenge” which do nothing to help her grief. She notes
isolated by her friends who offer her cheap platitudes for her that there is a “queue” of these kinds of text messages on her
pain (“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”) during this phone, including lots of offers to call if she needs to talk—but
difficult period in her life. As Rebecca moves through various Rebecca is adamant that this is the last thing she needs and
stages of grief due to her breakup—like isolating herself from thus lets these messages pile up. Rebecca feels like her grief
others or denying that her ex is really gone for good—Kennedy over her breakup is taken less seriously than actual
suggests that grieving the loss of a partner at the end of a bereavement, but that this shouldn’t be the case. She explains,
relationship can be as pointed and complex a process as losing “Your partner dies, and everyone comes over with casseroles;
someone through death. they clean your house and hang out your washing. Your partner
leaves though, and you don’t need nurturing apparently; you
While losing a partner through a breakup might not be as
need avoiding.” Of course, Rebecca is at this point wearing
permanent as losing them through death, Rebecca’s ex-partner
“unwashed pyjamas” and eating a cup of microwavable noodles,
made it very clear that he doesn’t want her in his life. Because
suggesting that she does need things like casseroles and
of this, there is a sense of finality to their breakup—her ex might
someone to help her with laundry. With this, Rebecca again
not be dead, but it’s unlikely she’ll ever see him or speak to him
suggests that dealing with the aftermath of a breakup is a lot
again. Rebecca remembers her ex telling her in a “clipped and
like grieving a death, even if other people don’t see it that way.
guarded” tone, “I think it’s pointless considering mediation at this
stage. I think it would be best to make a clean break.” Regardless of Rebecca’s grief also manifests as denial. Unable to come to

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terms with the fact that the relationship is over, she tries to edition of Like a House on Fire published in 2012.
convince herself that there’s a chance they will reconcile.
Feeling helpless, Rebecca tries to regain control of the situation Cross-Country Quotes
by fantasizing about various “what-if” scenarios about her ex-
partner. In these fantasies, she wants to overtake him in a Peeled. That’s how you feel, when it happens. Flayed.
cross-country running race, winning him over with her People who tell you to get out and move on, they’re standing
running abilities and confidence. She comes up with several there in a thick layer of skin, cushioned and comfortable,
iterations of these fantasies, culminating in one particular brimming with their easy clichés like something off a desk
fantasy in which her ex-partner calls her up and asks her to calendar. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger […] You were
dinner so they can talk, implying that they’ll get back together. too good for him anyway. There’s a queue of their text messages
on my phone. Call anytime, they say, if you need to talk.
Throughout the story, Rebecca’s grief manifests itself in all
sorts of ways, from isolation to denial, but she ultimately comes
to a begrudging acceptance that the relationship is over, and Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker)
that, “ready or not, it’s time to roll the credits.” As Rebecca
makes her way through the grieving process, Kennedy suggests Related Themes:
that grieving a breakup is not all that different than grieving the
death of a loved one: both cases involve a significant, heart- Page Number: 110
wrenching loss, a multi-layered grieving process, and an Explanation and Analysis
uncomfortable period of adjusting to one’s “new normal” after
acceptance has set in. Rebecca first starts talking about her breakup as if it were
happening to someone else. Through the use of second-
person narration (i.e., “that’s how you feel”), Kennedy guides
SYMBOLS the reader to empathize with the protagonist, Rebecca. By
phrasing her emotional distress in these terms, Rebecca
Symbols appear in teal text throughout the Summary and also distances herself from the pain she’s feeling after their
Analysis sections of this LitChart. breakup, as if it were happening to someone else. The pain is
presented as something “you feel, when it happens,” and so
the reader immediately is forced to relate to how Rebecca
CROSS-COUNTRY RUNNING must be feeling through this sensory description. The two
Kennedy uses cross-country running fantasies as words “peeled” and “flayed” contribute to a skin metaphor
both a symbol of Rebecca’s desire to escape her that likens the emotions after a breakup to the raw
grief and a route by which to do so. After Rebecca’s breakup vulnerability of not having her skin covering her body.
with her ex, she discovers his name on an online roster for a Continuing the metaphor, Kennedy portrays those who are
cross-country running club, and proceeds to develop obsessive happily in relationships as “cushioned and comfortable,”
fantasies about winning him back by running against him in a unburdened by the pain of being left alone in a once shared
race and impressing him with her athleticism. Though running apartment. Rebecca’s cynical attitude toward her friends’
tends to represent broader themes such as freedom-seeking or cliché reassurances shows the disconnect between people’s
escapism in literature, in the context of this story, cross-country perception of breakups versus the actual grief involved.
running could be any other activity and still have a similar While Rebecca is devastated by the loss of her relationship,
effect. For Rebecca, it’s less about running and more about the not dissimilar to how one feels after the death of a loved
possibility these running fantasies provide: a way for Rebecca one, it’s clear that those around her don’t consider the post-
to grieve the loss of her ex and play out various scenarios of her breakup period to be one of genuine bereavement.
“winning” their breakup. It turns out, though, that Rebecca’s ex
is not a cross-country athlete after all—he merely shares a
name with a local 14-year-old runner. This realization shatters
Rebecca’s hopes of reuniting with her ex, and the running club
and Rebecca’s fantasies short-lived surrounding it ultimately
come to represent the futility of trying to escape painful
emotions through self-delusion.

QUO
QUOTES
TES
Note: all page numbers for the quotes below refer to the Scribe

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Live in the world, and there’ll be a trail you leave behind It’s not as if I’m going to go over there, drive past his house,
you, even if it’s a trail of crumbs. That’s what they call lie on his lawn drunk and make a scene, harass him. It’s just
them, don’t they? Cookies. No matter how vigilantly you try to a few shreds of information I want. I supported him for a year,
cover your tracks, they’ll be there. The recorded minutes of a after all; surely I have a right to know whether he’s finally
meeting you attended, some team you’ve been; there’s your submitted that thesis and where, incidentally, the graduation
name on the screen. Try it for yourself and see. Google your ceremony is going to be held. If he’s joined a church group or a
name, in one of these extended empty sessions of free time golf club, I need to paste that into my new identikit. I’ll take any
when the cursor’s waiting like a foot tapping, and there’s crumb, any trail, any vague lead.
nothing else in the universe you can think of that you need to
find out about. There you suddenly are, undertaking all the
Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex-
trivial pathetic things you think are hidden, so that anyone in
partner
the world can see you exposed.
Related Themes:
Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker)
Page Number: 112
Related Themes:
Explanation and Analysis
Page Number: 111 Kennedy uses Rebecca’s description of what the
protagonist believes to be a real crime to indicate to the
Explanation and Analysis reader that perhaps cyberstalking can be just as invasive
Rebecca ruminates over how a person’s life can be tracked and creepy as in-person stalking. Rebecca justifies her
on the internet. While what she’s saying might have some questionable online search into her ex’s life as her “right,”
elements of the truth, her purpose here is to provide an because she was his partner and financial supporter at one
explanation for cyberstalking her ex-partner. If the point. However, this brings up a significant question: after a
information is so readily available for anyone to find, then breakup, how much information does a person have a right
why shouldn’t she look to see what he’s been up to? This is to know about their ex? In his absence, Rebecca has to
another instance in “Cross-Country” in which the use of adjust to life alone. Rather than accepting this difficult
second-person narration is particularly effective—since reality, Rebecca deludes herself by grasping onto “any vague
most readers have likely engaged in the same sort of lead” about how her ex is spending his time without her.
internet use as Rebecca, it forces the reader to recall the “Identikit” refers to a picture of a person (often a suspect)
times they’ve “tr[ied] it for [themselves]” and therefore composed from various witness descriptions. By framing
makes them more sympathetic to Rebecca’s desperate her search efforts as similar to those the police undertake,
searching. Rebecca is able to justify her questionable actions by
Claiming a person’s life (as it is tracked online) is “exposed” painting her ex as a kind of criminal who has wronged her,
for anyone to see eliminates her culpability in cyberstalking and herself as a sleuth rather than a desperate and invasive
her ex, though digging for details of a person’s life is ex-girlfriend.
ethically questionable as an invasion of privacy. If that
information is out there for anyone to find, however,
Rebecca easily convinces herself that it’s okay to seek out I don’t know why they call it surfing. They should call it
her ex’s “trail of crumbs” online. Since he has eliminated all drowning.
reasons for her to contact him again, she has convinced Down through the layers of US family-tree pages and rambling
herself that this is the only option she has to find out
travel blogs of dull strangers, I hit paydirt at last. My heart
updated information about him. The simile “when the knocks in my chest. I find he’s attended a conference but not
cursor’s waiting like a foot tapping” creates a sense of presented a paper there. Thesis still unfinished, then. Too many
urgency and anxiety in Rebecca’s action, showing the extent emotional upheavals. His thoughts too scattered after a
to which her searching is also having a detrimental effect on
traumatic breakup, distracted by guilt and second thoughts. I’m
her mental health. settling into this train of thinking, hungry for its possibilities […]

Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex-

partner

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It’s ten past four. Jittery with caffeine and MSG, I snoop in
the desk drawer Google has no qualms about throwing
Related Themes:
open for me. He’s way down the ladder: coming thirty-fourth.
Page Number: 112 That must be humbling. Thirty-fourth in a field of what—fifty or
so? That would make anyone feel like a nameless nobody in a
Explanation and Analysis crowd, face blurry in the back of someone else’s photo, reduced
Overwhelmed by the sheer number of irrelevant search to nothing but pixels.
results for her ex-partner’s name, Rebecca finally finds ‘See, you can reduce all this to just a system of binaries,’ I
something that seems applicable to him: his name on a list of remember him explaining […] ‘Just infinite combinations of zero
conference attendees. This miniscule piece of information and one.’ I wonder if he understands that better now, struggling
sends Rebecca spiraling. What could it possibly mean that home in the middle of the pack. How it feels to be rendered,
he “attended a conference but not presented a paper finally, to those low-resolution dots of shadow and light, a
there”? Rebecca reads too far into its potential conglomeration made up of nothing and one.
meanings—which she does frequently throughout the
story—in order to satisfy her need for information about
Related Characters: Rebecca, Rebecca’s ex-partner
her ex. She grieves the loss of him by ascribing the things
(speaker)
she is feeling (“scattered” thoughts “after a traumatic
breakup”) to him instead. She assumed that because he Related Themes:
didn’t present a paper at this singular conference that it
must mean he’s given up on writing his thesis. This Page Number: 114
demonstrates just how distraught Rebecca is over her
breakup, and how she is using the internet as a means of Explanation and Analysis
grasping for connections to a dead relationship and thereby By comparing Rebecca’s online stalking to “snoop[ing] in the
distracting herself from her grief. desk drawer Google has no qualms about throwing open,”
From this assumption, it’s easy for Rebecca to make Kennedy suggests that Rebecca’s actions are just as
another: his “thesis [is] still unfinished” because he’s invasive as a stranger going through the contents of
consumed by regrets, unable to live with himself after another person’s desk. It’s interesting to note that in this
dumping her. But amidst her wandering fantasies, Rebecca metaphor, “Google” is the entity without “qualms” who
maintains an inkling of self-awareness, as she knows she’s “throw[s] open” Rebecca’s window into juicy updates about
more “hungry for” the “possibilities” that these search her ex—Rebecca doesn’t take responsibility for being the
results enable her to consider than she is “hungry for” the one to search for him online, clicking through pages of
truth about how her ex-partner has been spending his time results. Instead, she rationalizes her behavior by blaming
since he left her. This suggests that, on some level, Rebecca the search engine that readily provides her with said
knows she’s engaging in an unhealthy obsession and information. The memory of her ex-partner teaching her
deluding herself into believing things about her ex with little about binary code resurfaces after Rebecca considers how
to no evidence. However, it’s clear by her continual he must feel coming in “thirty-fourth in a field of […] fifty or
searching that she is not ready to own up to her self- so,” reveling in the pained mediocrity of her ex’s life after
destructive behavior. her. She is using the very same device he once took the time
to explain to her to search for any vague mention of him.
However, all the information Rebecca accesses about her
ex-partner online will not change the fact that they are no
longer a couple. She describes her ex-partner as reduced to
that information that populates when she searches his
name, as “a conglomeration made up of nothing and one.”
But that description is much more apt to describe the
breakup itself—where there once was a unified couple, now
exists “nothing” and “one.” Rebecca is left alone in their
previously shared apartment to mull over memories and
indulge in fantasies that better explain their breakup,
ultimately hurting herself emotionally rather than making
efforts to cope with her pain and move on in a healthy

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There’s a short film looping in my head and, in it, I’m
manner. pounding easily along over a hilltop in an interclub event.
I’m not even puffing as I overtake him, despite the spurt he puts
on. He glances sideways; he sees it’s me. I flash him a surprised-
See, this is the difference. Your partner dies, and everyone yet-calm smile of recognition, a flutter of the fingers, and pull
comes over with casseroles; they clean your house and away. Later, at the picnic, I’ll turn when he approaches, and let
hang out your washing. Your partner leaves, though, and you that awkward moment stretch out. In some versions, I have a
don’t need nurturing apparently; you need avoiding. Your little trouble placing him so that there’s the slightest hesitation
washing grows mouldy in the machine, your friends who told before I say his name. Then I ask him how his thesis is going,
you that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger look at you and watch his face fall.
uneasily, taking in your greasy hair and unwashed pyjamas, and Any day now, I think as I lie heavy as a stone under the quilt, I’ll
leave you to go back to bed at 5p.m. Impossible to explain to go out and buy those shoes.
them the humming, welcoming warmth of the screen later, the
peaceful blue light, the endless possibility of an explanation that
Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex-
would make sense.
partner

Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker) Related Symbols:

Related Themes: Page Number: 115

Page Number: 112 Explanation and Analysis

After Rebecca finds her ex’s name on an online cross-
Explanation and Analysis country running club roster, this is one of many cross-
Kennedy develops the theme of grief in this passage from country running fantasies that plays like “a short film
“Cross-Country.” Typically, when a person talks about grief, looping in [Rebecca’s] head.” Her fantasies have a cinematic
they are referencing the loss of a loved one through death. quality, situating them as nothing but elaborate fiction. The
However, that definition is narrow and limiting, and reality is that Rebecca is sitting in “unwashed pyjamas”
Kennedy it through Rebecca’s feelings about how her eating ramen out of Styrofoam cup, but her fantasy self is
friends have treated her in the aftermath of her breakup. poised, committed to fitness. The disparity between these
People going through a breakup or divorce experience the two versions of her demonstrates how absurd Rebecca’s
stages of grief much like those who are coping with a death. imagined scenarios have gotten. Her fantasies no longer
While that ex-partner might not be dead, their absence is serve the purpose of imagining what her ex is doing now
still emotionally devastating and leaves a hole that is that they’re not together—rather, she crafts these
difficult to fill. As is the case in Rebecca’s breakup, many imaginary scenarios to boost her own bruised ego.
relationships end with “no contact,” indicating that neither The fantasies allow her to hurt his feelings in ways that she
partner will reach out to the other again. Therefore, couldn’t while they were together. For instance, she
Rebecca’s ex-partner is, for all intents and purposes, “dead” mentions in one version about “ask[ing] him how his thesis is
to her. Perhaps her friends don’t understand the severity of going.” The only purpose this could serve is to make Rebecca
her loss, which illustrates why they haven’t been comforting feel better by making her ex-partner feel worse about his
or present in her time of need. professional failings. Her pride is wrapped up in these silly
delusions, because it’s only within them that she can hit him
where it hurts most: his failed academic career. Rebecca can
never actually address her ex about any of these things, so
while it might be temporarily cathartic for her to indulge in
self-delusion, ultimately it halts her progress in getting over
her ex-partner. The last line of this quotation indicates that
Rebecca knows she won’t pursue cross-country running as
a hobby—it is merely a passing fancy as she grieves her ex.

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From the stack of discarded CDs, I pull out the country-
and-western collection a girl group sold us one night at the Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex-
pub. They were great, those girls. Big hair and pointy boots and, partner
up close, plenty of in-your-face eyeliner and juicy-fruit lipstick
as they laughed and signed my CD. He hadn’t liked them. Didn’t Related Symbols:
like the venue (too smoky), didn’t like the audience (nobody
there to converse with about Thesis), didn’t even feel Page Number: 117-118
comfortable ordering a couple of beers at the bar. All twitchy Explanation and Analysis
about the two guys playing pool, the ones who might have even
had a dance with me or at least found it in themselves to relax After countless fantasies about beating her ex-partner in a
and enjoy some live music. cross-country run, Rebecca comes to the realization that, in
fact, she has no clue what happens in a cross-country race.
As comforting as her fantasies might have been, in the end,
Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex- they are futile. Rebecca’s lack of understanding about cross-
partner country running illustrates that it didn’t matter what kind of
information she found about her ex online, Rebecca was
Page Number: 115
determined to imagine various scenarios about him. She
Explanation and Analysis wanted to play out scenarios in which she beat him at
something—anything, really. Switching mid-paragraph back
Recalling a past date with her ex, Rebecca remembers
to second-person narration after first-person, Rebecca
qualities about him that she didn’t like. While she found the
distances herself from the fantasies she’s created. “You”
country group (which he condescendingly referred to as
become the person “impos[ing]” a “ludicrous challenge,”
“the Tammy Wynette Hormone Band”) enjoyable, her ex-
rather than Rebecca. The reader thus becomes the one
partner didn’t enjoy anything about their night whatsoever.
scrambling as Rebecca is distanced from her own desperate
He complained the entire time and couldn’t loosen up
need for purpose, further demonstrating how deep in denial
enough to order “a couple of beers at the bar.” Kennedy
she is, and how eager to perpetuate her own self-delusion.
repeats “didn’t” without a clear, defined subject to start each
clause describing Rebecca’s ex. Although it’s implied that
Rebecca is remembering her ex, the lack of subject in these
clauses detaches the opinion from the person who holds I wander into the study as he talks, my fingers absently,
said opinion. Which version of her ex “didn’t like” everything lovingly, grazing the keyboard of the computer. Double-
about that evening? Surely, it’s not the version she’s click on the internet icon, go straight to the club site. Last
concocted through her cross-country running fantasies. week’s results are posted, and there he is, placed forty-second
This memory serves to remind Rebecca that maybe it’s now. A nagging cold, maybe. Slipping down the ladder into
actually a good thing that they broke up. Upon reflection, numb mediocrity, driving back to his new Ikea sofa and wonder
Rebecca knows there were things about him that she bleakly whether he should open a couple of those cardboard
couldn’t stand, which will ultimately help her become more boxes, pull out the old photos from where he’s hidden them,
comfortable with his absence in her life going forward. and then, and then…swallow his pride to pick up the phone.
He’ll ring late, sheepish and sad, voice thick with tears. Ask me if
I feel like some Thai takeaway, or just a bottle of wine. If we
could talk. It seems so possible, so likely I feel my throat tighten
What do you do in a cross-country run? I have a hazy
in anticipation.
picture of splashing across streams and jumping fallen
logs, slogging up muddy hillsides and crashing down the other ‘Rebecca? Hello?’ My boss is still on the line.
side through rugged bush. […] I wonder too if there’s a back-up […]
vehicle, some support staff who tail-gun the runners, just in ‘I’ll bring something in for morning tea,’ I say.
case you fall into a puddle or a ditch and lie there overwhelmed So what I’m going to do, I’m thinking, since I have every right to,
with the pointlessness of it all, the ludicrous challenge you’ve nothing to do with him, is ring the number and ask about
imposed upon yourself; your foolish desperate need for joining. I’m looking for a phone number I can try, and I refresh
purpose. I imagine being lifted from the first by kind hands, and the screen and start again.
given a bottle of Gatorade and a sympathetic pat on the
shoulder. Oh, I would give in without even a pretence of fighting
spirit if someone offered to drive me to the finish line. Who Related Characters: Rebecca’s boss, Rebecca (speaker),
wouldn’t?

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Rebecca’s ex-partner Related Characters: Rebecca (speaker), Rebecca’s ex-

partner
Related Symbols:
Related Symbols:
Page Number: 118-119
Page Number: 120
Explanation and Analysis
Rebecca’s deterioration into all-out fantasy is halted by a Explanation and Analysis
phone call from her boss, who reminds her that she has The simile that begins this quotation compares reading “two
used up all her sick leave and must return to work on small words” to seeing “blinding flash” from “a grenade.” This
Monday. She will have no more time devote to her fantasies clearly illustrates how jarring the next piece of information
when faced with the reality of work. Yet the pull of her is for the protagonist, Rebecca. All the time that she has
imagination is so strong that she returns to yet another devoted to countless cross-country running fantasies has
fantasy while still on the phone with her boss, showing the been for naught: the person whose name is on the running
extent to which Rebecca is willing to neglect her club roster isn’t Rebecca’s ex-partner—it is a child under age
professional life as well as her emotional wellbeing. 14 who just happens to share a name with her ex. This
Although their relationship is over, Rebecca still wants to realization emphasizes just how deeply Rebecca has been
know the details of her ex-partner’s life, yet details like immersed in her delusional fantasies and self-destructive
whether or not he has a “nagging cold” that clearly aren’t tendencies—although she knew her ex hated sports, she
her business anymore. In this particular fantasy, Rebecca convinced herself otherwise just to give herself a conclusive
imagines them reconciling over “Thai takeaway” and “a answer about what her ex is up to now.
bottle of wine.” She has done such a thorough job of With another simile, Kennedy presents vivid imagery of
convincing herself that reconciliation is possible that she Rebecca stumbling “on wrenched ankles” during a cross-
feels the physical affects of anticipation. It’s clear that country race. She is forced to stop daydreaming
although Rebecca’s boss has given her a reality-check, immediately, because the small seed of information from
Rebecca is not ready to give up on her fantasies just yet, as which her fantasies flourished doesn’t exist. Her ex never
she starts looking up the phone number for her ex’s running joined a running club, she can never overtake him in a race,
club so she can join too. and she doesn’t get to win. The internet gave her ample
ambiguous information, which she twists to fit her desired
outcome. “The decisive thud” she “almost hear[s]” as she
Just two small words again, going off in a blinding flash like clicks out of the internet browser indicates that Rebecca
a grenade. What they say is: Under-fourteens. I sit staring at cannot grieve in this manner any longer and gives a sense of
finality to her shattered fantasy. She has to face the facts:
them, dully open-mouthed. It’s like being doused with a sheet of
her ex is gone, and they aren’t getting back together. While
muddy water, like a final jarring stumble on wrenched ankles
it might have been acceptable to grieve in her “unwashed
[…] Click the icon, close the screen. Windows is shutting down. I
pyjamas” for a while, the time has come “ready or not” for
almost hear it, the decisive thud as it hits some imagined sill
Rebecca to venture out into the world on her own, without
somewhere. I need a shower, and then I need a long cold drink
the comfort of a partner or her fantasies to keep her
of something at an outdoor table, but first I linger, watching the
company.
innocuous sky-blue screen. I’m waiting for the little melody it
always plays before it sighs and switches itself off, that
melancholy minor-key tune that tells you that whatever you’ve
been watching, ready or not, it’s time to roll the credits.

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SUMMARY AND ANAL

ANALYSIS
YSIS
The color-coded icons under each analysis entry make it easy to track where the themes occur most prominently throughout the
work. Each icon corresponds to one of the themes explained in the Themes section of this LitChart.

CROSS-COUNTRY
Rebecca considers potential meanings or purposes of the From Rebecca’s search for seeks out “linked hands, connections,
internet. She reflects that its language reels her in and provides [and] answers” on the internet, the reader can infer that she is going
with a “portal” or “doorway” when she’s “groping around in the through a challenging emotional time, and that her instability
dark” for one. When Rebecca feels that her life has fallen apart, during this difficult period in her life leads her to using the internet
internet links seem to provide her with the “linked hands, as both a comfort and a distraction.
connections, [and] answers” she’s craving, at that the internet is
like a “safety net.” Having “all the time in the world now,” she
uses that time to “point and click” online.

Continuing with an abstract train of thought, Rebecca thinks Judging by the text messages Rebecca’s friends have sent here, it’s
that one feels “peeled” and “flayed” when “it happens.” She clear that a breakup is what’s left Rebecca feeling vulnerable and
resents the people who have told her to “get out and move on,” alone. Her friends’ trite phrases only function to make her feel
as well as the text messages from friends with cliché words of worse, as she is critical of that type of empty advice. She has no
encouragement like “You were too good for him anyway” that interest in turning to her friends for comfort because this would
have accumulated on her phone. Rebecca’s friends have told mean having to rehash the events leading up to the breakup. While
her to “Call anytime […] if you need to talk,” but she doesn’t want Rebecca isn’t ready to talk about it, she is ready to see if there is a
to talk—instead, she wants someone else to give her answers. better explanation for why she and her ex broke up.

Rather than enduring empty sympathies about her breakup, Like Hansel and Gretel leaving a trail of crumbs behind them,
Rebecca prefers the distraction offered by her computer anyone who uses the internet leaves traces to find: browsing history,
screen. She mulls over the traces people leave behind on the ill-timed photographs, and name mentions on social media and in
internet. No matter the precautions a person takes, they might publications. Rebecca posits this information as free reign in order
appear in the background of a photo, or their name might be to downplay the potential unease and sense of privacy invasion that
listed on some team roster. There’s a treasure trove of search might accompany Googling oneself or someone else.
results available for anyone’s name, just waiting to be clicked
on.

Sitting amongst “rejected CDs” and “the looted stack of By preemptively forwarding his mail to a new address, Rebecca’s ex-
cookbooks,” the Rebecca reflects on her ex-partner. He has partner leaves her with no room for doubt about whether they will
moved out of their shared apartment. Expressing a “grim have contact post-breakup. He clearly has no intention of speaking
determination to sever all ties,” her ex-partner has even gone to her again, let alone getting back together.
through the time-consuming process of forwarding his
subscriptions and superannuation statements. He’s made
certain she has no reason to contact him.

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Rebecca is “reduced” to Googling him anyway. Typing his name Cyberstalking is depicted as something Rebecca is “reduced” to,
into the search engine, she feels many complicated post- demonstrating her feelings of helplessness amidst her grief.
breakup emotions. Bitter that he’s taken the good sheets and Rebecca’s ex has given her no excuse to contact him again, and she
cookbooks with him, she asserts that cyberstalking isn’t as uses this to imply that she has no other choice but to search for him
invasive as showing up at his house unannounced. To convince online. Rebecca furthers justifies this to herself by claiming that
herself of this, she claims that her having financially supported peeking into her ex’s online life isn’t as bad as in-person stalking.
him through graduate school gives her the right to know what
he’s doing and if he’s finally completed his thesis.

Swaddled in the quilt her ex-partner left behind, Rebecca Rebecca experiences conflicting memories about her ex,
wishes there was a chat room in which she could hear his voice demonstrating the difficult emotions that one often feels in the
again. She misses the way he spoke to her during happier times midst of a breakup. She now has to conceive of her ex in terms of
in their relationship, before he concluded their relationship who he was during their relationship alongside the pain he’s caused
wasn’t salvageable: “I think it would be best to make a clean her, and it’s difficult to hold such disparate versions of a person at
break.” one time. Rebecca simultaneously misses the sweet way he used to
speak to her while remembering how he decisively dumped
her—nostalgia for their relationship intermingles with the reality of
his absence in her life.

It’s the middle of the night before Rebecca really digs into the Rather than deal with the pain of her ex-partner’s absence head-on,
search results. Feeling more like she’s “drowning” than “surfing” Rebecca sifts through search results for her ex’s name. By inserting
the internet, Rebecca swims through results that have nothing herself into his life through her delusions of why he may have
to do with her ex-partner whatsoever. At last, she finds what stepped back from academia (when it’s not even clear that he’s done
she’s been looking for. Her ex went to a conference but didn’t so), Rebecca finds some comfort in believing, even if just for a
present his thesis there. Hanging onto that tiny piece of minute, that he’s as shattered by their breakup and she is and that
information, she considers the possibilities. Perhaps he couldn’t it’s impacting his life too. Given that Rebecca feels like she’s
handle the stress of academia after “a traumatic breakup,” “drowning” as she does this, the reader can infer that cyber-stalking
probably because he’s been too “distracted by guilt and second her ex in this manner is not only an invasion of his privacy, but is
thoughts.” harmful to Rebecca as well, as it isolates her and prevents her from
moving on with her life.

“Hungry” for the relief this train of thought brings, Rebecca Rebecca’s meager dinner demonstrates her unwillingness to adjust
eats ramen out of a Styrofoam cup. Her single-serving meal to being single again. Instead of cooking a meal for one, she resorts
leaves a bad taste in her mouth as she dramatically considers to eating microwaveable noodles from a cup. Unable to move
the ramifications of this kind of “habitual loneliness.” forward yet, Rebecca relies on her fantasies to curb her fears of
living as a spinster in “habitual loneliness.”

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Grief isn’t always about dying, but it is always about ending. Kennedy presents the disparity in the reception of different types of
Rebecca critiques how people respond to and qualify others’ grief as unacceptable. Even though Rebecca’s ex-partner is still
grief. When a loved one dies, people will knock down the door alive, the loss of their relationship is a kind of death in itself, and the
with condolences and casseroles. But when a loved one actively finality of their breakup makes her ex effectively “dead” to her since
chooses to leave (like through a breakup), people aren’t he cut off all contact. Therefore, she deserves to receive loving
neighborly in the slightest. What she really needs is for support from friends and family.
someone to come over and help her with laundry and leave her
a hot meal. Instead, she gets avoided.

Avoiding interactions that would only make her feel worse, Rebecca wants to play out these potential explanations for her
Rebecca turns to the internet for “the endless possibility of an breakup, as they provide a distraction and play into her delusion
explanation that would make sense.” Seemingly dissatisfied that she can create more definitive closure than her ex gave her. The
with the explanation her ex-partner gave her for their breakup, internet provides this “endless possibility” because the information
she chooses to deny his reasons in hopes she’ll find one with it houses is ambiguous and potentially infinite, leaving Rebecca with
which she can live. a glut of results to sift through and plenty of room to fantasize.

Rebecca sees her ex-partner’s name listed on a roster for a Seeing her ex-partner’s name on a sports roster plants the seed from
sports team. Upon further inspection she sees that the roster is which Rebecca’s self-delusion grows. Though her fantasies about
for a cross-country running club. Staring at the screen, her ex’s motivations have no basis in reality, Rebecca paints a
Rebecca considers what this all could mean. She fantasizes that picture for herself of what his life might look like without her, though
he’s left his doctorate program, favoring a new social and more it is questionable whether it’s healthy or ethical for a person to have
active lifestyle. Maybe he’s punishing himself for something or access to that information about an ex after a breakup.
running away from a past decision.

Absorbed in her absurd daydreams, Rebecca, unwashed hair Instead of feeling sorry for herself in her current disheveled state,
and all, laments how humbling her ex’s running results must be Rebecca amusingly tries to empathize with how her ex-partner
for him, coming in “thirty-fourth in a field of what—fifty or so.” must feel about his lackluster running performance. She draws a
Her memory is jogged, remembering when her ex-partner parallel between binary code her ex once told her about and how it
explained how her computer operates with binary code. She feels when a relationship ends: “a conglomeration made up of
ponders over “how it feels to be rendered,” like a pixelated nothing and one.” Where there once was a relationship is “nothing,”
image or binary code, as “a conglomeration made up of nothing and she now must adjust to being “one” on her own again.
and one.”

Julie from work calls, reminding Rebecca that life does indeed Rebecca’s real reason for wanting to join a running club is to have
exist outside of the grief she’s currently experiencing. She contact with her ex. However, she doesn’t divulge this embarrassing
divulges to Julie her new plan to join a cross-country running truth. Committed to her fantasy, Rebecca tells Julie that she wants
club. Julie doesn’t take Rebecca’s new commitment to to join for a new challenge, yet she adds more obstacles to achieving
athleticism seriously, even when Rebecca proclaims, “I’m going her new goal by stating that she has to buy new shoes before she
out today to buy the shoes.” can hit the pavement. This suggests that although Rebecca thinks
she wants to reconnect with her ex, following through with her
fantasies would be too intimidating and painful.

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More than just fantasizing about what her ex-partner is up to, In her fantasies of cross-country races, Rebecca has the confidence
Rebecca casts herself in the starring role of various impressive and skill to overtake her ex. Over-estimating her running aptitude,
cross-country running scenarios. She imagines overtaking her Rebecca relies on these delusions to help her come to grips with her
ex with ease and poise he has never seen before. In some ex leaving her. In her head, she even subtly insults her ex by
versions, she asks him about his thesis and “watch[es] his face mentioning his unpublished thesis, suggesting that she is perhaps
fall.” motivated by revenge and spite rather than a genuine desire to
rekindle a relationship with him.

Though Rebecca develops complex, far-fetched fantasies about This passage demonstrates that Rebecca is at least partially aware
running, they never get any closer to reality. Her intentions to of how far-fetched her fantasies really are—she has no intention of
join a cross-country running club are lackluster at best as she actually buying running shoes to start this new exercise regime.
“lie[s] heavy as a stone under the quilt,” claiming that “any day
now” she’ll “go out and buy those shoes.”

Going through some of the CDs her ex-partner left behind, Rebecca’s memory of her ex complaining about the concert forces
Rebecca finds the CD of a band they once saw together. her to consider all the ways in which the breakup might be a good
Recalling the country western band’s “juicy fruit lipstick” and thing. Her ex-partner’s flaws are presented alongside Rebecca’s
“in-your-face eyeliner,” she feels like she’s right back in the fantasies about him, indicating her struggle to integrate the facts
smoky venue her ex couldn’t stop complaining about. He about who her ex really is and the version of him that exists only in
couldn’t loosen up to enjoy himself at all. When she played the her delusions.
CD afterward, he’d sarcastically refer to them as “that Tammy
Wynette Hormone Band,” claiming they sounded like “three
cats being strangled.”

Though her ex’s estimation of the “Tammy Wynette Hormone Rebecca finds some solace listening to the country group’s music,
Band” is unfavorable, Rebecca really enjoys their music. which gives her another topic to ruminate over besides her endless
Listening to their “high lonesome sound,” Rebecca thinks about loop of cross-country running fantasies. She figures that these
the message they wrote her when they signed her CD and women, powerful with their “juicy fruit lip stick” and “in-your-face
what the girls from the band might be doing now. She knows eyeliner,” aren’t spending 24 hours a day in pajamas, lamenting the
that despite their sorrowful music, they probably aren’t loss of a past lover. Rebecca’s acknowledgement of this suggests
spending their evenings in sweatpants eating noodles from a that she is becoming increasingly aware of how self-destructive her
cup. recent behavior has been.

Rebecca’s imagination shifts from the Tammy Wynette Rebecca’s thoughts shift easily from the women from the band back
Hormone Band to yet another fantasy about beating her ex- to her ex-partner—clearly, her memory of his poor attitude on the
partner in a race. She has more than just an improved physique night of the concert isn’t enough to dissuade her from obsessing
to look forward to. That’s only an added bonus to her main over him. However, in this particular iteration of her cross-country
purpose: “mak[ing] him eat [her] dust.” Once she musters up the running fantasies, Rebecca’s improved physical prowess allows her
energy to go buy the shoes, that is. to beat her ex in the race. By “mak[ing] him eat [her] dust in this
race, Rebecca gets to play out how it would feel to be the one with
power in their breakup, to finally beat him, however that may look.

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After yet another cross-country running fantasy plays like a Rebecca doesn’t know the first thing about cross-country running.
movie in her head, Rebecca realizes that she actually has no After all that time spent refreshing her ex’s running results online,
clue what goes on during a cross-country race. Falling into a she didn’t bother herself with researching anything about the sport.
philosophical reverie about a person’s “desperate need for This is what indicates that cross-country running functions
purpose,” Rebecca determines that given the option, she’d symbolically in this story as an escape from grief—it doesn’t matter
definitely let someone drive her to the finish line. This indulgent what activity Rebecca ascribes to her ex as long as there is room for
line of thinking is interrupted by a phone call from her boss, her to project her fantasies about him onto it. However, by calling to
calling to remind her that her sick leave is up and she’s due back remind Rebecca about work on Monday, her boss serves as a
to work on Monday. reminder that she can’t afford to devote any more time to these
useless fantasies.

Rebecca, returning easily to another detailed reconciliation In her most unrealistic fantasy yet, Rebecca imagines her ex-partner
fantasy about her ex-partner, assures her boss that she’ll be reaching out to reconcile. Consumed by this revived hope for their
back on Monday with “something for morning tea.” She relationship, she swears that she can hear her phone ring. While
refreshes the running club’s website. Looking at last week’s these fantasies might have provided some temporary comfort while
results, she sees that her ex-partner’s name is now ranked she grieves her breakup, ultimately, it’s clear that these imagined
42nd. She assumes that this “numb mediocrity” will send him scenarios hinder her ability to move on.
immediately to the cardboard boxes in which he’s stowed away
photos and tokens of their relationship. Rebecca is so lost in
these hopes that she can almost here the phone ring. Though,
in the end, she’s entirely aware the unhealthy extent “to which
we’ll invent what we need.”

Then, Rebecca remembers a key piece of information: her ex- The strength of her fantasies overpowers Rebecca’s logical side—she
partner hates sports. Not only was her ex-partner not an has been following the running results not of her ex, but of a child
athlete, but he also refused to “do anything he wasn’t an expert who shares his name. She recalls that her ex hated playing any
at.” Refreshing the running club results page again, Rebecca’s sports, so she should have concluded much earlier that he would
eyes catch the words that title the roster: “Under-fourteens.” never have joined a running club. Finding out that she’s been
Dumbfounded, she feels like she has been “doused with a sheet following another person’s running results jars Rebecca from her
of muddy water” or has taken a “jarring stumble.” She has the cycle of self-pity and self-delusion. Expressed through vivid
sensation of racing through a long expanse and finally descriptions of running, Rebecca’s fantasies come to a shrieking halt
“skid[ding] to a halt” and feeling a “merciful and unexpected and she is forced to face the facts: her relationship is over and
breeze” on her face. there’s nothing she can do to change it.

Rebecca abruptly exits out of her internet browser and shuts Finally sick of her own self-indulgent fantasies, Rebecca shuts down
down her computer. She reflects that, “I need a shower, and her computer and heads out for a drink. Rebecca realizes that she
then I need a long cold drink of something at an outdoor table.” can no longer justify entertaining her implausible, imagined
But before this, she lingers at the computer, waiting for the scenarios, and that it’s time to stop grieving the end of her
“little melody” the machine plays before it turns off. Rebecca relationship. Whether or not she’s truly ready to do so is unclear, but
thinks to herself that this sound signifies the end of “whatever pulling herself out of the harmful cycle of cyber-stalking and self-
you've been watching”—"ready or not, it's time to roll the delusion is a crucial first step.
credits.”

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MLA Kennedy, Cate. Cross-Country. Scribe. 2012.
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2019. Web. 21 Apr 2020.
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