Healing Your Wounded Inner Child

A CBT Workbook to Overcome Past

Trauma, Face Abandonment, and
Regain Emotional Stability

Maria Clarke
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 Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1: Meeting Your Inner Child
Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child
What Does a Wounded Inner Child Look Like?
How the Inner Child Manifests
Wounded Inner Child Archetypes
Every Inner Child Is Unique
What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
How CBT Can Help Heal a Wounded Inner Child
Connecting With Your Inner Child Worksheet
Chapter 2: Connecting With Your Inner Child
The Importance of Creativity in Healing
What to Expect Through Art Therapy
Connecting to Your Inner Child
10 Questions to Awaken Your Inner Child
Connecting With Your Inner Child Worksheet
Chapter 3: Your Inner Child’s Wounding
Inner Child Wounding
Signs of a Wounded Inner Child
Questions to Get to the Root of Healing
How is Your Wound Manifesting in Daily Life?
Effects of Childhood Trauma
Signs Your Inner Child is Running Your Life
The Four Attachment Styles
What Do Attachment Labels Mean?
Attachment Styles in Relationships
Self-Sabotage
 Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
Treatment to Help You Stop Sabotaging Yourself
Chapter 4: The Healing Power of Acceptance
Relaxation Techniques
Simple Relaxation Techniques
Relaxation Techniques Take Practice
Validating Your Inner Child
Validating Your Inner Child’s Experiences
Healing Exercises for Your Inner Child
Choose Self-Compassion Over Shame
Have Some Compassion for Yourself
Pain and Emotions
What Is Self-Compassion?
Overcoming Shame
Practice Visualization to Soothe Your Inner Child
Prompts for Journaling to Connect to Your Inner Child
Chapter 5: Reframing the Past
Cognitive Distortions
What Is Cognitive Reframing or Cognitive Restructuring?
Types of Cognitive Distortions
Managing Distortions
Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive Restructuring Worksheet
Examine the Evidence
Socratic Questioning in CBT
Why Is a Question Considered Socratic?
Examples of Socratic Questioning
Finding a New Perspective
CBT
 Socratic Questioning Worksheet
Chapter 6: Reparenting the Inner Child
Ways to Begin a Healing Dialogue With Your Inner Child
Letter From the Inner Child to the People/Person Who Caused Trauma
Letter to Your Inner Child
Speak Aloud to Your Inner Child
Write in a Journal or Diary as Your Inner Child or Adult
Artistic Expression
Make Time to Play With Your Inner Child
Nurturing Your Inner Child as the Parent You Needed
Rewrite the Future With a Behavioral Experiment
How the Experiment Works
The Experiment
Examples of Experiments
Chapter 7: Build Emotional Intelligence
What Is Required for Emotional Intelligence?
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence Skills
Activities to Build Emotional Intelligence
Building Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 8: Learning From Your Past
A Guide to Setting Boundaries
Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
Recognize That Other People Have Boundaries
Knowing When Boundaries Need to Be Set
Recovering From Abandonment Issues
Build a Better Support Network
Setting Boundaries Worksheet
Chapter 9: Self-Care for the Inner Child
Daily Affirmations for Your Inner Child
Reinforce Boundaries
 Teachings From Your Inner Child
Conclusion
References
Introduction
 So much of the healing of our world begins in healing the inner
child who rarely, if ever, got to come out and play. –Vince Gowmon

T
here are those who have come out of their childhood with only positive
memories and experiences, but not everyone can claim that same
fortune. When you look back on your childhood, you may have
memories that are shrouded in pain, anger, fear, anxiety, or a feeling of
unfulfillment. Oftentimes, it is easier to push these memories to the back of your
mind rather than deal with the trauma they caused.
By submerging these feelings and not allowing yourself to acknowledge the
damage they did to your emotional or mental state, you are stunting your ability
to grow as a healthy adult. These emotions you have held inside since childhood
can climb to the surface, distress your relationships, and affect your mental and
physical health.
When someone has lived through a traumatic childhood and is harboring a
wounded inner child, they often exhibit odd behaviors or are withdrawn, yet they
don’t know why. Identifying the signs that you have a wounded inner child is the
beginning of your journey to healing.
No parent expects their child to go through trauma, but the truth is, more than
two-thirds of children have reported at least one traumatic event by the age of
16, and one in seven children suffered some type of childhood trauma in 2019
alone, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service
Administration (SAMHSA, 2022). This number may be considerably higher
since many adults do not acknowledge their past experiences as something that
wounded their inner child.
Every child should feel protected, safe, and loved, but not all children have this
security. Many parents protect their children from the physical dangers of this
world with unwavering resolve and provide all essentials for living. However,
providing a space for a child also means supporting them on an emotional and
psychological level as well.
When children do not feel safe, they sense an impending danger that lasts
throughout their lives and leaves a displaced void in their psyche. As an adult,
this is often a repressed pain that profoundly impacts how we see ourselves and
distorts the relationships we have with others.
Hiding in the shadow of pain doesn’t make it wither away, but as a child, that is
often the only tool we are taught. As we hide in pain, moving forward as though
we live the story of all others, we do not leave that pain behind, but bring it with
us into adulthood like the heavy baggage that it is.
You may not think you deserve the right to go back and question the methods of
your past and the adults who put a relentless weight on you, but if you look at
your adolescent neighbor, a niece or nephew, or perhaps your child folded
comfortably on your lap, you would expect them to have that right. When you
were that age, nothing was different except that you didn’t have the support you
needed.
We all carry with us an inner child who never goes away. Swiss psychologist and
psychoanalyst Carl Jung said, “In every adult, there lurks a child—an eternal
child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for
unceasing care, attention, and education. That is part of the personality which
wants to develop and become whole” (LibQuotes, n.d.). Your inner child may be
the representation of your younger self or a fondness for the struggles and
triumphs you overcame as your life spanned from adolescence to adulthood.
The inner child, for many people, is a happy and playful piece of themselves that
they fondly recall from time to time—or all the time, if one is lucky enough to
be that carefree. But for many of us, our inner child plays alone, and
recollections of childhood memories only remind us of the heartache and trauma
we were ill-equipped to deal with and still are to this day.
If you experienced trauma, neglect, or emotional pain that was too complicated
for you to deal with when you were younger, your inner child is likely
vulnerable and crouched in the corner waiting for someone to lead them to the
light. Even though the pain of childhood devastated you and still does, you may
feel that a rugged outer appearance is the only thing that is protecting you and
your inner child from further pain.
Though we may tend to think that shutting everyone out will help protect us. In
reality, it only leads to further seclusion and a lack of the compassion and love
that we crave. Healing yourself from childhood trauma takes time, but it can be
done. You only need to begin. Healing the child within will let them know you
can take over and help protect them now.
As a professor of psychology, I’ve studied the concept of the inner child in
textbooks and have written a book about dialectical behavior therapy. In addition
to my education, I also delved into my personal experience of a difficult
childhood to connect with this topic.
I grew up in a family that lacked boundaries, and I was raised by strict parents
who made me responsible for raising my siblings. I didn’t get to experience
childhood. Instead, I had to be mindful of everyone else and was not allowed to
emote feelings of sadness or discontent with the role my parents decided to give
me. I had to acknowledge, after years of struggling with my mental health, that I
had grown up feeling repressed and unhappy.
Not everyone who has a wounded inner child considers their childhood overtly
traumatizing, and many consider themselves lucky to have wonderful parents
and come from a solid background. It is easy for most people to attribute early
childhood experiences to whom they have become but be unable to identify any
substantial events that could trigger negative events in present relationships. To
identify what we might have missed in our childhood, whether it be attention or
compassion, we need to divert from the narrative of good and bad and delve into
what our past circumstances might have lent to what we feel was missing. You
may not even realize you have a wounded inner child until you react to a
relatively benign situation in a catastrophic way. The inability to respond to an
adult situation appropriately may be your sign to look deeper into your past.
Before you begin a journey of healing, you need to acknowledge your inner
child and get to know them by exploring your relationship. It isn’t easy to
identify your childhood as a traumatic one, but the only way to begin healing is
to examine the past. Often, it is difficult to acknowledge a wounded inner child,
but it can also come as a surprise to find out that you have one to begin with.
You may wonder
● If I didn’t have a super traumatic childhood, why is it important for me to
work on my wounded inner child?
Working on your inner child isn’t about hating your family or placing
blame but to identify any needs from your childhood that weren’t fulfilled
or pain that was inflicted upon you that has yet to heal. Inner child work is
about finding the places in your life that need extra attending and then
 allowing yourself to respond. There is nothing in inner child work that
demands you distance from or put blame on family or others from your
childhood.
Inner child work empowers people to act as their own parent. It allows you
to give yourself what you need moving forward to ensure that any past
neglect or pain is tended.
● What is the importance of identifying whether you had a traumatic
childhood?
There may be certain aspects of your life that have never connected the
way they should, when everything aligns but a problem remains
unresolved or you are unable to find happiness despite truly believing you
have it all. When there are unresolved issues in your life that don’t match
your intentions or efforts, you need to determine if this is from childhood
trauma. Issues can include
○ difficulty communicating with others
○ having a hard time maintaining social and intimate relationships
○ not understanding why your words or actions offend or hurt others
○ feeling out of place, even within your own family
○ being seen by others in a way very different from the way you
perceive yourself
● How do you actually know if you need to work on your wounded inner
child?
If you are reading this book, you have had something happen to you that
feels irreparable, or you know someone who has. You are traumatized by
events that occurred in childhood and react to adult situations in a
childlike manner. A wounded inner child presents differently for everyone,
but for you, it may look like the following:
○ You subconsciously sabotage relationships.
○ You tend to attract toxic relationships.
○ You expect the worst from everyone.
 ○ You have difficulty saying “no” to people.
○ You cannot do anything right in any scenario.
If any of these sound like you, there is a wounded inner child who needs
attention. Healing your wounded inner child can begin now that you are ready to
acknowledge them and begin the healing.
 Chapter 1
Meeting
Your Inner Child
W hether you have yet to acknowledge it or have always held their hand,
you have an inner child who has shadowed or walked alongside you
throughout your life.
Your inner child is a part of you throughout your entire life. They develop your
personality and direct how you treat and react to others. It is the part of you that
knows all your feelings, memories, desires, moods, and attitudes you have
toward yourself. It is also a part of who you become as an adult based on how
you were treated and the confidence and advantages you were given growing up.
Your inner child is the one who remembers the tune of a song but perhaps not the
words and overcomes you with a feeling of warmth. Perhaps an aroma pierces
your senses and allows you to visualize a much younger you cuddled on your
father’s lap on a chilly fall evening, or you reminisce about a warm summer
evening with echoes of laughter. But not all memories of the inner child are
welcomed.
Some people have an inner child who suffered at the hands of those who should
have protected them, who neglected them when they should have showered them
with praise, or who spoke words that their developing minds couldn’t understand
but felt the pain of just the same.
During childhood, people develop whom they will become, for better or worse,
and navigate how to treat others and respond to various situations. For whatever
reason, you may not have acknowledged your inner child; therefore, you may
still carry the malformations of the past and the struggles and insecurities that
come with it. If you break a bone, you do not leave it splintered. You go to the
hospital and have it set. The same should be done with the fragments of your
younger self that were never healed but need the proper attention to function in a
healthy manner.
Some may not want to acknowledge their inner child, believing it to be a foolish
ideology, but this is entirely untrue. Some people may be open to discovering
their inner child, but not everyone believes they need to pay special attention to
it. This regard could be due to an emotionally healthy childhood or having set
the inner child aside for so long they feel a sense of normalcy. Take time to
reflect on whether or not you need to give yourself the attention you always
deserved by allowing yourself to revisit the vulnerable space you were in as a
child.

Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child

If you have always felt displaced but are not sure why, there could be unhealed
wounds and deep-seated issues you are not aware of. To determine the mental
state of your inner child, ask yourself the following questions:
● Did you feel safe as a child?
● Were you given freedom to express yourself?
● Did you feel you had a place within your family?
● Do you feel resentment toward people or instances from your childhood?
● How do you treat your inner child today?
Acknowledging and healing a part of you that has been broken or missing since
childhood is a brave and important step in the emotional and mental healing you
will go through now.
Your inner child not only lives inside your mind, but it is a part of your entire
identity, inbred in your psyche. Staying connected to this part of yourself is what
allows you to feel excited about upcoming events, drives you toward your goals
and dreams, and determines how you feel toward others’ success as well.
Connecting to the needs of your inner child that were not tended will help you
overcome any emotional and developmental stunting you experienced because
your psychological needs were not satisfied while your mind was developing.
The insecurities you had as a child, along with the trauma you may have
endured, carry on throughout your life because you are the child that you carry
within you.
The child does not simply disappear as you age, just as your childhood isn’t
erased as you grow older. Sure, it may be more difficult to recall specific details
from your early memories, but they are still there, living in the same mind you
have today. You may have grown, and your experiences may be different now,
but everything is connected to whom you were from the moment you were born.

What Does a Wounded Inner Child Look Like?

The wounded inner child carries the psychological imprint of your childhood
traumas, the part of you that wasn’t able to deal with what you endured when
you were young. The part of yourself that was never heard and never healed is
what you carry as part of your wounded past and the part of yourself that now
acts as a protector by guarding the hurt part of you.
Several traumatic events or actions may have occurred to make your inner child
need protection from yourself today, things that still make you feel vulnerable
and unable to face these circumstances of your past. Life-altering events that
cause extreme trauma may include
● loss of someone close to you, such as a parent, especially as a result of
violent death
● losing your home to fire or poverty
● living through war or migrating to a new country
● going through a natural disaster like an earthquake or hurricane
Some recurring and equally psychologically damaging events can happen
repeatedly throughout your life and leaves you traumatized, like
● emotional neglect from a parent
● stepping in as a caregiver when you were a child yourself
● dealing with the cruelty and ridicule of being a minority or having a
physical disability
● being bullied for being different, like the way you dress or because you
don’t conform to societal standards
● dealing with prolonged neglect or rejection
People often feel they are not allowed to express their feelings when their
distress does not meet extreme standards. You may feel your trauma isn’t that
bad by comparison to others, but pain doesn’t have a limit. Just because someone
else suffered the loss of a loved one doesn’t mean that you need to hold in the
disappointment of losing a job, having to move to a city far away from your
family, or any other personal losses or disruptions. Your pain is as valid as
anyone else’s and should not be compared.
All of these can lead to an inability to have meaningful relationships with others.
The feelings of being discarded or mocked can make it difficult to trust anyone,
including friends. They may cause you to act with unwarranted negatively
toward a friend or companion. This childhood neglect can also make you believe
that poor treatment and half-truths are all you deserve, so that is what you accept
or even look for in relationships.
The part of you, the child, that faced these painful situations wants to revisit
these events, so you finally decide you can’t move forward without
acknowledging and healing the child you tried to leave behind. However, the
protective part of you wants to shelter you from the pain you once faced.
Sometimes the part of you that is protecting your inner child does so by avoiding
relationships entirely or by fearing commitment or intimacy and may find that
pushing people away is the best defense.
Without facing the past and the pain that was inflicted upon you, you will never
move beyond that stage of your life and learn to trust and love enough to have
truly meaningful relationships. You may also find that success comes more
easily to someone who has torn up their past, studied it, and rebuilt it with
heartache but also with less self-doubt.

How the Inner Child Manifests

The inner child can manifest in several ways. Once you become aware of these
manifestations of emotions and behaviors, you can identify where they stem
from and begin to heal.
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can have many causes that stem from early childhood traumas,
including feeling like an outsider with peers or at home, dealing with illness, or
having a negative outlook of yourself despite self-inflicted expectations.
This negative way of viewing yourself often results in self-deprivation and a lack
of self-worth, which can lead you to believe you have no value and deserve all of
the negative aspects of your life. Additionally, a negative view of yourself can
perpetuate anxiety and depression and can create issues with body image that
lead to eating disorders.
To readjust your continual self-doubt, you need to acknowledge the struggles
your inner child had to face and pull those memories and feelings to the surface.
Loving your inner child and validating their emotions and feelings by way of
self-parenting is the only way to move forward with a healthier view of yourself.
You Bend Over Backward for Others
People with unresolved trauma may find that they vie for the approval of others
and will do nearly anything for attention. They may also put up with a great deal
of mistreatment from someone during the course of a relationship, only to have it
ended by the other person. This could be because of the fear to disappoint others
or cause frustration, validating your worth by someone else's approval.
The part of you that will do anything to please others has likely been with you
since you were young. You likely felt the need to keep your thoughts, emotions,
and opinions to yourself because you knew it would cause discomfort in your
home.
Your Boundaries Are Severe or Non-Existent
Often, a wounded inner child will manifest in how you interact with others, such
as placing severe boundaries on relationships or having a complete lack of
boundaries.
Many who suffer from a wounded inner child may not know how to set healthy
boundaries with people. This can be evident by not being able to say “no” to
others, even if it means you will be setting your own needs aside. This nagging
persistence to please others may be due to not being able to set healthy
boundaries with your parents as a child because you were afraid to disappoint
them or make them mad.
It is not uncommon for parents to imply that by suppressing your own needs,
you were being good by allowing your parents to set your needs aside. This can
commonly arise in situations as an adult. You may feel that if you put your own
needs first, others will be upset with you and dismiss you from their lives, even
in intimate situations.
Alternatively, your boundaries may be rigid for self-preservation. This can result
in distancing yourself from others who have offended you or hurt your feelings
or cutting them out of your life entirely. There is no negotiation for resolution,
and you move on without them.
You Withhold Emotions
Shame has no place in a child’s life, yet many parents tell their children that
expressing themselves in a moment of sadness or weakness is something to hide.
As an adult, you may still hold that feeling, that expressing how you feel is a
sign of weakness and something to be ashamed of.
There is no honor in shaming a child; it instills negative emotions and feelings of
inadequacy, regret, or being unworthy of love. This can lead to severe emotions
that manifest by way of treating others with disregard and bullying them to
manifest the same emotion of weakness in them.
When a child is not allowed to feel their emotions without some placement of
guilt or ridicule, they carry the feeling of shame that should be carried in a
handbag by the adult in the situation, because they have been conditioned to feel
they are the one who is wrong or bad. When a child acts out, this is often a sign
they are repressed at home and unable to release feelings of pain in a safe,
healthy, and completely normal way with a nurturing parent.
Fear of Abandonment
Particularly if you experienced neglect or indifference shown to you as a child,
you can have a fear of abandonment in adulthood that manifests by way of being
insecure, clingy, and codependent in relationships.
Fear of being abandoned is one of the most damaging and common fears when
you have had a traumatic childhood. It can give you a sense of insecurity in all
relationships and you may act in an unhealthy or possessive way.
Trust Issues
Distrust is a common defense mechanism to avoid dealing with emotional pain,
fears, disappointment, and anxiety. It often begins during childhood in someone
who learned early on that they couldn’t trust people, usually from an adult
betraying their trust.
If you are already insecure about your abilities or your worth, trust issues
become complicated. If you were gaslighted, made to feel worthless, neglected,
or emotionally abused when you were young, building a sense of self is difficult
and believing in your worth is even harder.
Being told you did not live up to your potential or you should have known better,
would have seeded deep doubt and shame in your adolescent mind. It is difficult
to trust others when you are carrying that psychological damage around.
Avoidance of Others
Many people who are described as introverts have a wounded inner child. You
may avoid large social gatherings and only begrudgingly attend smaller get-
togethers out of obligation. Perhaps you even get meals and groceries delivered
to your house because being in public makes you feel overwhelmed. This is all
common for someone who was not made to feel secure as a child.
Prone to Addiction
If you have easily fallen into an addiction of any kind, such as smoking,
drinking, gambling, or other obsessive traits, it could be due to your childhood
and the trauma you went through.
Addiction can be a symptom of an underlying and unresolved issue. Rather than
dealing with the traumas and reliving the pain of them, you might block out what
actually happened and welcome the rush of adrenaline as you overindulge.

Wounded Inner Child Archetypes

An archetype, as defined in Webster's Dictionary, is “the original pattern or
model of which all things of the same type are representations or copies:
PROTOTYPE” (Mirriam-Webster, n.d.). In simpler terms, it is a common
representative of a specific person or thing. An example would be, “The movie
was a good archetype of the horror genre.”
In psychology, an archetype is defined as “an inherited idea or mode of thought
in the psychology of Carl Gustav Jung that is derived from the experience of the
race and is present in the unconscious of an individual” (Mirriam-Webster, n.d.).
According to Dr. Jung, the wounded child is one of the many child archetypes.
Many believe that all people have all sub-archetypes to a degree and claim such
things as all children have enjoyed magic or fantasy, not wanting to grow up,
feeling left out, or fearing the dark.
The wounded child archetype is much greater in some people than in others and
can be identified by the following characteristics:
● The person’s behavior and characteristics can manifest in various patterns.
● The person can exhibit a fear of change and find comfort and reassurance
in stability because they feel they are in control, which is something they
never had in childhood.
● They likely have low self-esteem and feel worthless because they were
undervalued in their formative years.
● They often feel their actions and words are misinterpreted or
misunderstood by others, especially by those who have not gone through
similar traumas in childhood and cannot relate.
● They are likely to suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, social phobias,
and other psychological disorders.
● These people may find it near impossible to let go of emotional pain, both
from their traumatic childhood and any new negative encounters they face
as an adult.
● They can suffer from several pain disorders like fibromyalgia.
The above characteristics allow the wounded inner child to have empathy for
others who may be going through a difficult time. They tend to feel drawn or
closer to people who have had similar traumas in their own childhood and often
try to help heal others, even before they learn to deal with their own feelings.
Often, those who have gone through difficult childhoods and have emotional and
psychological issues, go through what is known as cognitive behavioral therapy
to help determine the root cause of disruptive thought patterns and behaviors.
If you have a wounded inner child, it is easy to get caught up in a story of
hopelessness, suffering, and gloom. There may be a constant theme of failure,
rejection, feelings of worthlessness, and fear in the archetype of the wounded
inner child. The wounded child likely feels misunderstood, unloved, abandoned,
neglected, and forgotten, so much so that they forget to care for themselves.

Every Inner Child Is Unique

Your inner child has unique wounds to be addressed, and the process of healing
your inner child will be different from anyone else’s since your home, the people
you were raised by, and your circumstances were something only you
experienced. Even someone who grew up with siblings can have a very different
childhood or respond to situations differently because everyone’s interpretation
of experiences is different.
There are several wounded child archetypes. You may present one or more of the
following:
● The overachiever: This archetype has a sense of value and
acknowledgment through its success. They use validation from others as a
coping mechanism for low self-esteem and self-worth, and they will only
feel loved through their achievements.
● The underachiever: They keep to themselves and are often afraid to
fulfill their potential for fear of being criticized or shamed for any
potential failures. This archetype is afraid to become emotionally involved
with others for fear of rejection, so they often avoid trying. They feel the
safest hiding, as a wallflower, for no one to see.
● The caretaker: They are usually products of a codependent upbringing
and have a sense of purpose and identity by neglecting that they need to
care for others. This archetype is under the delusion that they will only be
loved if they validate and care for others while neglecting themselves and
their own needs.
● The protector: As a way of healing personal vulnerabilities, usually in
childhood, this archetype is relentless in their pursuit of helping and
healing others. They see others as incapable, helpless, and dependent and
feel loved and validated for being in control of someone else’s safety and
happiness. They think they will only be loved by helping solve the
problems of others and focusing on their troubles.
● Life of the party: These are the ever-cheerful and happy people who mask
their pain, vulnerabilities, and weakness in a shroud of jokes and laughter.
This inner child archetype feels their emotional state is shameful and the
way for them to be loved and accepted is through making those around
them laugh and be happy.
 ● Idol-worshiper: This inner child believes that love toward them is
received by dismissing their own needs and modeling their lives after
someone they admire. This is likely from a child who was hurt by the
caretaker they worshiped and perceived as flawless.
● Yes-person: This person will dismiss their own plans and needs on a dime
to help out others. They were likely raised by someone who gave plenty of
themselves to others and was engaged in a codependent relationship or
pattern. Their sense of self-value and feeling of being loved comes from
being selfless and unflawed.
Inner child archetypes share the common theme that they are all products of
neglected emotional needs and broken trust and connections. The roles they
adopted were used as survival modes to survive in a difficult upbringing. The
narrative of the wounded inner child archetype was assumed subconsciously to
survive at the hand of neglectful or demanding role models or people. These
narratives follow the inner child throughout their lives, and they adapt to other
relationships in a similar pattern without thought or predetermined ideals.
Archetypes are not accepted willingly. You assign this persona to all
relationships throughout your life. The way to break free of these archetypes and
strive for the person you are deep inside is to acknowledge that your inner child
deserves to be heard for whom they were born to be.
Until you acknowledge the child deep within yourself, the wounded archetypes
will demand to be heard and will create unnecessary drama or manipulate you
into reevaluating your worth. Unprocessed trauma spawns coping mechanisms to
protect against additional suffering.

What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-known type of talk therapy
whereby the affected person speaks to a therapist or psychotherapist over several
well-structured sessions. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps form clarity of
negative and skewed thinking so that unfavorable or challenging situations
become clear and can be dealt with effectively by changing the way you
respond.
CBT is especially useful for those who are struggling with mental health issues
such as
● depression
● anxiety
● eating disorders
● phobias
● post-traumatic stress disorder
Unlike some talk therapy treatments, CBT helps deal with problems you are
facing now. It helps you find useful and practical avenues to feel more positive
about daily life by changing your outlook. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps
you gain perspective on issues in your life that seem enormous and too difficult
or massive to handle. Various techniques are used during CBT, such as
● coping skills
● stress management
● relaxation exercises
● learning how thoughts affect actions
● becoming more confident
Certain feelings, actions, and thoughts contribute to keeping you in a cycle of
negativity or reliving situations that make you feel bad about yourself. CBT
helps prevent the cycle of negative thoughts by dissecting what makes you feel
anxious or frightened. When your problems are broken down, they can be
managed more easily. This form of therapy helps you transform your negative
pattern of thoughts into positive ones, changing how you feel. Unlike other
therapies, CBT helps you deal with these issues over a specific number of
sessions, not over several months or years like other talk therapies.

How CBT Can Help Heal a Wounded Inner Child

Trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy is focused on problem-solving
skills that help change your physical and emotional reactions when you are
confronted by something that triggers a childhood event. This therapy creates a
safe place for anyone dealing with a wounded inner child with the hopes that
they will feel safe enough to open up and begin healing.
The main goals of trauma-based cognitive behavioral therapy include
● reduced panic response
● increased trust and control
● effective and healthy responses to situations
The National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists says the benefits
of CBT are, “Cognitive-behavioral therapy focuses on the idea that our thoughts
cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and
events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel/act
better even if the situation does not change” (Riopel, 2019).
The benefits of CBT in healing the wounded inner child can be
● anger management
● relapse avoidance
● chronic pain management
● dealing with negative emotions or thoughts
● dealing with sleep disorders
● building coping mechanisms for loss
● recovery from traumatic events
● dealing with relationships
With CBT, you are able to address and recognize what causes triggers and how
and why destructive patterns become a part of your life. Once these negative
aspects are addressed, you can replace the negative response with a positive
reaction.

Connecting With Your Inner Child Worksheet

Several psychological modules describe the inner child as childlike, not childish.
The essence of the inner child is that of being
● joyful
 ● sensitive
● curious
● playful
● innocent
● awe-inspired
Psychosynthesis, psychology of the self, calls the core of the child one’s true
self. This part of a person remains embedded in the subconsciousness of us all to
make up our complete structure as a person. It is the part that craves attention,
love, approval, acceptance, affirmation, and tending.
Answer the questions below to help you become more aware of and in tune with
your wounded inner child by highlighting the behaviors you may be holding
onto in your adult life, such as self-sabotage, dysfunctional behaviors, or
attachment issues.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer honestly.

I frequently have trouble identifying my feelings. yes/no

I find it difficult to express myself. yes/no
I have trouble beginning things. yes/no
I have difficulty following through with or competing yes/no
things.
I do not know who I really am. yes/no
I often find my mind has wandered off and I’m yes/no
daydreaming.
I become anxious when I am in a new situation. yes/no
I have trouble focusing on most tasks. yes/no
I am fearful of the unknown and startle easily. yes/no
I have difficulty saying “no” to people. yes/no
I do not often go to social events on my own. yes/no
I get nervous or afraid of going to new places. yes/no
I feel horrible or guilty when I tell someone “no.” yes/no
I can’t get rid of material objects. I hoard things. yes/no
I do not feel that I am good enough. yes/no
I am self-critical much of the time. yes/no
I often wish I were someone else. yes/no
I feel worthless. yes/no
I am not a good person. yes/no
I am an addict. yes/no
I don’t fit in anywhere. yes/no
I feel alone in a room filled with people. yes/no
I have trouble letting go of situations, anger, and pain. yes/no
I am a very compulsive person and make impulsive yes/no
decisions.
I am always angry, and my actions tend to be yes/no
aggressive.
I feel defensive most of the time. yes/no
I tend to avoid events and people. yes/no
I usually eat too little or binge eat. yes/no
I do not trust others. yes/no
I avoid conflict. yes/no
I am always nervous. yes/no
I am rebellious. yes/no
I do not ask for help. yes/no
I am unable to stand up for myself. yes/no
I have no close friends. yes/no
I find intimacy in relationships to be very difficult. yes/no
 Chapter 2
Connecting
With Your Inner Child
N
ow that you have met your inner child, it is time to listen to what they
went through growing up. Give them a chance to tell you what
happened to them by listening to what they had to say when no one
else would.
In order to get any child to trust you, a connection must be made. To fully form a
responsive and true connection with your inner child, release your inhibitions
before beginning this process. There is no room for self-judgment when you are
initiating the healing process of a part of yourself that has been judged and made
to feel inadequate since childhood.
You can participate in many activities, such as art therapy, that will help you
revisit your inner child.

The Importance of Creativity in Healing

Art therapy is a distinct method that embodies forms of expression via visual art
as a form of psychotherapy. An entire profession is dedicated to helping people
regain control of their emotions and relieve anxiety, but the great news is that
you can benefit from this therapy by doing it yourself. If you doodle when you
are nervous or use drawing as a form of emotional expression, then you are
already applying the basic principles of art therapy to help calm yourself.
Creative healing is crucial to healing your inner child. Many think this is because
children are naturally creative and express themselves honestly without
questioning themselves or their abilities. Being creative allows an adult to
become reacquainted with their inner child again.
As you age, you begin to lose passion for the simpler things, or you fall under
the impression you are too old for such things. There is no original rule book that
says to take yourself seriously once you hit a certain age. That was all assumed
and enforced by society and it is contributing to a world full of suppressed and
repressed adults.
Somewhere between childhood, where anything is possible, and adulthood,
where you feel stuck in life and have no time for fun, your innocence and hope
were lost. This can be especially true of those struggling with a wounded inner
child, who never had the chance to experience a normal childhood. In an instant,
your thoughts turn from what makes you happy to what society will think of
your actions.
Over time, you stopped being yourself in front of others and only allowed your
inner child to come out when nobody was watching. By the time your mid-teens
came around, the inner child was repressed deep inside and neglected once
again.
Reconnecting with your inner child will help you begin to heal from the trauma
you endured. Let them know you still see them and accept them by engaging in
art therapy and other childlike activities that will reignite that connection to
innocence.
At some point during childhood, you lost sight of yourself and only looked
through the eyes of others. Adults tend to develop an unhealthy obsession with
having to be perfect, not to themselves, but to the perception of others. With art
therapy, judgment and expectations need to be checked at the door so you can
experience joy as you did before you realized others could judge you.

What to Expect Through Art Therapy

Therapy is done by someone who is trained and licensed in that specific field,
just as a psychologist would be licensed. Art therapy combines the process of
creating art with psychological aspects and the past experiences of the person to
help address areas of concern like emotional anguish. As mentioned above, this
is not something you need to do professionally or pay any money for at all,
unless you decide to do so later on.
Just as putting emotions into music, people tend to spill what they are feeling
into their doodles, drawings, or even through lines. Art is a quiet way of loudly
declaring through brush strokes, colors, and images how we are feeling on the
inside. Trained therapists can use these visualizations to determine how you are
feeling.
Art, in any form, is a form of self-discovery. There are, in fact, several types of
creative therapies, including
● drama
● dance
 ● music
● writing
● visual expression
The process of making art gives you a sense of control over your own actions
and can restore a sense of confidence to help you regain control of your life.
Creating art therapy can include an expression of
● drawing
● painting
● finger painting
● carving
● molding clay
● sculpting
● making a collage
● doodling
When you undergo art therapy, you may be surprised by the feelings that
emerge. Having a registered therapist direct these sessions can give you a better
understanding of how to deal with the surprising responses and emotions that
arise.
From the art, you and your therapist can interpret and discuss the work and go
into the colors, images, and even the people included in the art, or those left out,
to determine if this has a deeper meaning.
This therapeutic healing technique can reveal emotions and thoughts that have
been buried for years. With a combination of your inner feeling being unveiled
in your art and having a registered professional to help you talk through and
acknowledge your pain, this can be a very effective form of therapy, especially
for those who have unsuccessfully tried other forms of counseling.

Connecting to Your Inner Child

You may be open to finding and healing your inner child but not know where to
begin. Here are some things you can do to connect in an organic way:
● Maintain an open mind. Like with any new relationship, it may take you
a while to get used to hanging out with your inner child. Begin by
recognizing that your inner child is not only a part of you but that it is you.
This child has a wealth of knowledge that you may have forgotten, things
that are filed so far back in your mind that you can no longer recall, but
they can.
You need not only to be able to laugh at the memories your inner child
holds but also to dig deep into the recesses of your mind where dark
memories are buried.
Revisiting your childhood can be a mixture of negative and positive
emotions and events. All of the events helped shape who you are and gave
you the means to make choices and reach your potential as an adult.
● Be open to what your inner child has to say. Once you have made the
decision to be open to meeting and getting to know your inner child, you
need to listen without judgment to what they have to say. It is also
imperative that you accept the feelings your inner child is expressing, no
matter how difficult that may be.
You may learn that your inner child feels
○ frustrated by ignored needs
○ insecure
○ shamed or guilty
○ vulnerable
○ abandoned or rejected
○ anxious
Try to connect these feelings of inadequacy or sadness to a specific event
that occurred in your childhood. This may help you identify what similar
situations trigger you as an adult. For example, if your partner needs to go
to work on the weekend instead of staying home with you and spending
time together, disappointment and frustration can erupt. Your feelings of
 rejection may present in a way similar to that of a child’s tantrum.
If you look at your reaction to this adult situation, you may be able to find
a time in your childhood—or many times—when your parents couldn’t
spend time with you, had to cancel a special outing because they had work
obligations, or traveled for work and their time for you was sporadic.
This insight may help you understand why you are reacting a certain way
toward your partner when they cancel plans, and it may help you open up
more direct and effective forms of communication with them.
Hearing what your inner child is saying and how it is feeling will allow
you to go through those emotions again without trying to push them deep
down. Acknowledging your feelings and giving them a place in your life
can help validate your experiences and the distress they caused you. It is
also an important step toward accepting that you have some things to work
through.
● Study children. There is much to be learned from watching your own
children, the children of friends, or those of family members. Children are
a great example of living in the moment and enjoying the slightest majesty
in life. Find a memory from your childhood when you couldn’t wait to be
done with school or dinner so you could fall into your own imagination
and mold into a princess, superhero, or some other fantastical imagining.
If you can, play hide and seek, skip rope or play tag, and see if it brings
back the simpler times in your life. Play allows a child to express
themselves, but adults can feel the freedom of youthful expression if they
allow themselves to. I often find that reading a story from my youth helps
bring back a time when I was able to escape from my own discipline, if
only temporarily.
● Pull out old photos and reminisce. Looking through old photos can help
trigger childhood memories and emotions, some that you may have
completely forgotten about. Talking to your parents or siblings and sharing
old stories can help bring emotions to the surface that were buried deep
down. While this may lead to some wonderful stories, it may also help you
ascertain where some of your trauma comes from. Be prepared to deal
with those feelings head-on.
● Act like a child. People often scoff at those with childlike qualities, but
acting like a child now and again is essential to your mental health.
If you were unable to enjoy your childhood because there was a lack of
positive and fun experiences, you need to enjoy those aspects now. You
might have missed out on getting ice cream on the beach or camping and
roasting marshmallows by the fire as a kid, but you are still here and so is
that child deep down.
Enjoying carefree experiences such as jumping in mud puddles or playing
in the rain will help you reconnect with a part of yourself that was
missing. If you have children, sharing these moments with them will not
only give them a sense of a complete childhood but will also restore one to
you.
● See a therapist. Opening correspondence with your inner child can be a
lot for anyone to handle on their own. Hiring a therapist can allow you to
navigate your emotions in a safe place and can provide helpful tools for
you to begin to heal your inner child.
Connecting with a therapist who deals with past trauma and the
exploration of the inner child is crucial for your healing.
Psychodynamically oriented psychotherapy can help you get insight into
the problems you are facing today, but it evaluates patterns people tend to
develop over time as well. To identify these patterns, the therapist will ask
for details during therapy sessions about
○ thoughts
○ emotions
○ childhood experiences
○ beliefs
By noting these patterns, the therapist can examine ways you avoid
confrontations or stress or develop defense mechanisms to protect
yourself. Once these patterns are identified, it is easier to learn strategies
to cope with these avoidance tactics and begin to face your problems.
● Leave room for wonder. Healing is a continual journey. By initiating a
bond with your inner child, you are cultivating awareness for what this
 long-neglected child needs. You may also learn new details and wants that
shouldn’t be ignored.
Stay connected to the innocence of that child that never gave up wondering what
it would be like to slay dragons or if they could climb a tree into the clouds.
Reset your mind to be more open to speaking with your inner child on a regular
basis. Be sure to listen when you feel a nudge of discontent and see what part of
your past needs to be reconciled.
Allowing the relationship with your inner child to grow over the years and
making them a part of who you are today will allow you to change and grow.

10 Questions to Awaken Your Inner Child

Maybe you have tried to stir your inner child in the past but have felt silly and
decided it was better to return to adulting. Like most things, it takes time to get
into the mindset of a child and to excite the wonder and adventure you used to
feel before responsibility and time crunches took over your life.
If you have had a hard time finding that child who would run into the rain with
an umbrella that would never be opened or the kid who went foraging to see how
many beetles they could find, you may be going about it all wrong. No child is
going to approach an adult who is sitting with their hands clasped and a sneer on
their face. You have to pique the interest of the child within by reassuring them
that you remember.
Here are some things to ask yourself to awaken your inner child:
● What did you want to be when you grew up?
● What was your favorite thing to do?
● What did you always wonder about when you were young?
● What were you prone to daydreaming about?
● What astonished you most as a child?
● What was your favorite thing to play with?
● What was your favorite subject in school?
● What was your favorite thing to make art with?
 ● When you are around children now, how do you feel?
Take the time to acknowledge what your inner child is saying without judgment
or redirection. Connecting to your inner child means you are always open to
listening, and you feel compelled to live your life the way that makes you feel
free.

Connecting With Your Inner Child Worksheet

Now that you have connected to your inner child, staying in touch with your
younger self is essential for proper healing. Take the time to enjoy activities that
brought you joy when you were a child or that you never had the opportunity to
do because you never had a proper childhood.
Read each goal below and write notes on how you are honoring your inner child
by participating in these goals.

I was open with my inner child by…

(Listen to what your inner child has to say. What did they say today?)

Observe your inner child. What did you learn from them?
(Write a letter to your inner child.)

Speak openly with your inner child.

(Write in a journal using your inner child’s voice.)

Watch children for guidance.

(Look through childhood photos and other mementos. What memories did they
bring back?)

Do activities you enjoyed as a child. What were they?

(How did you live at the moment?)
 Chapter 3
Your Inner
Child’s Wounding
T
o better understand your inner child and where the hurt comes from, it
is helpful to gain perspective on the innate qualities of children. All
children are born with certain common traits, but the potential or
quality of these traits is reliant upon how they are nurtured, ignored, or
manipulated.
These inherent traits were described by John Bradshaw, author, counselor, and
public speaker, in the acronym, WONDERFUL, as defined below:
Wonder
Children live in a state of natural wonder because they live in each moment
without expectation of what comes next but with excitement to see what does.
As we age, we lose this sense of awe and fall from our state of constant surprise
into a sense of responsibility.
Optimism
A child is born with the unconditional belief that they can trust those around
them and that goodness is constant. When adults who are responsible for that
child’s care become unpredictable, the trust fades and dissipates. In a way, the
world is rose-colored for children. If, however, it becomes unhinged, their world
can shatter and cause doubts and insecurities.
Naivete
The concept of limitations does not exist in a child. From the moment they are
born, children explore whatever and wherever they can without fear, protected
by their caregivers who set boundaries, instill a sense of safety, and teach about
danger while supporting this unwavering need for independence. If the adult is
not diligent or willing to provide the necessary boundaries and enforce them
with patience, a child may be put in a dangerous situation or taken advantage of.
The opposite can be said for an adult who is overprotective of their child and
doesn’t allow them to explore the world, even within their guidance. If a child is
sheltered, they may not be able to incorporate themselves into the real world
when the time comes since they are not equipped with the tools or experiences to
integrate into regular situations.
Dependence
A child is helpless and unable to survive on their own. They need to be cared for
and taught how to transition from a loving and supportive environment into
taking responsibility for themselves. Some caregivers don’t want to relinquish
their role and keep the child dependent on them, thereby stunting their own
abilities to care for themselves.
Some adults can swing in the other direction and be neglectful of their child(ren)
or expect too much of them. In this situation, a child may grow into an adult who
isolates themselves from others or becomes overly dependent on a relationship
with a friend or significant other.
Emotions
There is no shame in laughing at what delights you and crying when things make
you sad. A child has no ability to deny themselves the feelings they have unless
an adult steps in and tells them what they are feeling and how they are
responding is not okay. This teaches the child to be ashamed of displaying
emotions.
Resilience
The expression that kids are resilient is not an overstatement. Kids have the
amazing ability to adapt to new environments and to move on from
uncomfortable situations. They have no preconceived notion of what is to come,
so they are able to accept their surroundings and situations at face value. It is
when an adult places boundaries on a child’s ability to move on that we see an
issue arise.
Free play
Children are filled with wonder and spontaneity. They have a natural sense of
wonder that compels them to imagine wonderful things that seem very real in
their wondrous mind. In the beginning, there is play without a need for anything
but fun. This changes when a child becomes older, and the focus shifts to
winning and goals, rather than just enjoying free play.
Uniqueness
It is important for a child to feel they are special and unique as they are, that they
are complete no matter what. At some point, as our identities form, there can be
disapproval from others or expectations that cannot be met. A child needs to be
accepted for all that they are, without being told to change to comply with the
expectation of others.
Love
All people are born with the disposition to be loving and show affection.
Children are compelled from birth to need their parents and to feel safe in the
arms of someone they trust. Often, a struggling parent may respond to a child
who is not behaving the way they want by telling them that they are bad or that
they never listen or always do things wrong. It is important to use language that
lets the child know they are not using appropriate behavior, but they should
know it is not a reflection of them, and it does not make them bad.

Inner Child Wounding

Allow yourself to recognize your childhood for better or worse. Your childhood
experiences affect the adult you are today. The two phases of childhood and
adulthood are both a part of you and the experiences you went through. Often,
people are reluctant to acknowledge that the emotional development and mental
health issues they have as adults stem from their childhood.
Also known as attachment wounds, inner child wounds can derive from
traumatic childhood experiences. The responsibility of creating a safe and
supportive environment for a child is the responsibility of the child’s parents, but
this is unfortunately not always provided.
The inner wounds of a child are
● Abandonment: You may have a fear of being abandoned by loved ones or
being left out if someone abandoned you when you were a child.
● Trust: You may be afraid of being hurt if you were not protected from
harm by your parents or adults in your childhood.
● Guilt: You may have difficulty setting boundaries or asking for help as an
adult because you were made to feel guilty when you were a child.
● Neglect: If you were neglected as a child, you may have repressed
emotions, trouble saying no, or low self-esteem.
Inner Child Wounds
Abandonment: Guilt:

● Feel left out ● Feelings of being sorry

● Fear of being left ● Don’t like to ask for help
● Don’t like being alone ● Use guilt as manipulation tactic
● Codependent ● Afraid to set boundaries
● Tend to attract those who are ● Usually attract people that make
emotionally unavailable you feel guilty
● Threaten to leave

Trust: Neglect:

● Afraid of being hurt ● Low self-worth

● Don’t trust yourself ● Difficulty letting go
● Don’t feel safe ● Angered easily
● Look for ways to distrust others ● Repress emotions
● Insecure and in need of external ● Difficulty saying no
validation ● Afraid to be vulnerable
● Attract those who feel unsafe ● Tends to attract those who don’t
make you feel seen or don’t
appreciate you

Signs of a Wounded Inner Child

Of the many signs that can manifest as a result of a wounded inner child, these
are the most prevalent:
● difficulty saying “no”
● trouble setting and enforcing boundaries
● avoidance of conflict
● feelings of guilt if you stand up for yourself
● trouble asking for help (you feel like a burden)
● fear of letting go or being abandoned
 ● feelings that you are not adequate or are unworthy of love
● hard on yourself and self-critical

Questions to Get to the Root of Healing

You may not know what you went through in your childhood to bring on feelings
of self-doubt and pain. Ask yourself the below questions to resolve this issue,
develop a greater understanding, and eventually heal your inner wound.
● Were you bullied as a child?
● Did you feel neglected as a child?
● Did you fit in at school?
● Do you feel your voice was heard?
● Did you feel safe growing up?
● Were you ignored?
● Did you have appropriate boundaries?
● Was there an instance where you felt like something was wrong with you?
● When was the first time you lost trust in someone?

How is Your Wound Manifesting in Daily Life?

It can be frustrating when you work hard to have good relationships and do well
at your job, only to feel underappreciated and misunderstood on a constant basis.
If you find that despite your best efforts, you are still falling short, it may be
your inner child manifesting in your daily life.
When issues from childhood go unresolved, they get carried over into our
adulthood in the way that we deal with situations and people. Our emotional
scars carry over from childhood and affect our lives until we acknowledge and
resolve them. It can be difficult to lead a fulfilling life with meaningful
relationships when people perceive your behavior as untoward.
Moving forward, the work you do will help heal your inner child and give you
normalcy in life with stable relationships.
Effects of Childhood Trauma
Would you ever expect your five-year-old to make the meals, pay the bills, and
run your errands? Of course not! This would be a tremendous and unrealistic
expectation to put on a child. Those who have a wounded inner child are asking
themselves to do the impossible and live a productive life that is essentially
being run by the inner child.
In some adults, the wounded inner child can present itself with mental health
issues and disorders. To function as a healthy adult, you need to work on healing
your inner child so the behaviors you learned when you were young don’t
continue to run your life today.
In some cases, it is important to seek the help of a mental health professional to
help you deal with trauma from your past, especially if it stems from a severe or
life-changing event. Once you have worked through the bulk of your childlike
behaviors, you can begin to implement behavioral strategies and implement
productive behaviors.

Signs Your Inner Child is Running Your Life

Not everyone is able to determine if their lives are being interrupted by a still
unsettled and hurt inner child. Once you are able to identify the following signs
in yourself, you will become a step closer to appealing to your younger self and
regaining control of your own decisions.
These are some signs that your inner child is the one in control:
● Emotional versus logical thinking: Often in life, we face the inevitable
outcome of something not going as planned. In these circumstances, you
may become angry or feel you were the victim, even plotted against. If
your initial reaction stems from emotion rather than a logical perspective,
this may be a sign that your reaction is coming from your inner child.
● Difficulty assuming responsibility: If you find it challenging to maintain
the daily tasks you have committed to, or if you often bow out of your
responsibilities, then your inner child may be doing the delegating.
Responsible adults usually have no issue fulfilling their obligations. Even
with reluctance, they still get it done.
● Repetitive behavior: You may notice similar patterns in relationships in
 your personal and work life. If this is the case, take note. These patterns
might not be particularly harmful to anyone, but they should be addressed
and recognized as a potential nudge that your inner child needs attention.
● Substance abuse: It is not uncommon for someone struggling with a
wounded inner child to turn to drugs or alcohol to help them cope with
their unresolved emotions. If you feel this is the only way to numb the
emotional pain you are dealing with, this is a cry for help to listen to your
inner child.
● Legal troubles: While getting a parking ticket or traffic violation once in a
blue moon is common, you need to pay attention if you have a pile of
unpaid tickets, arrests, or other legal issues stemming from a pattern of
disregard for the law.
● Instability in relationships: If you have a pattern of disrespectful
behavior from or toward others that leads to unstable and or unhealthy
relationships, this is a strong sign that you have an inner child in need of
proper care. Often, someone who has not healed their inner child, will
cling to and often seek out unproductive or toxic relationships that they
know will never last.

The Four Attachment Styles

Attachment styles vary among people and are how we interact with and bind
ourselves to those with whom we are closest. Identifying and understanding your
attachment style can help you in several ways.
The four attachment styles are
● Secure
● Anxious-preoccupied
● Dismissive-avoidant
● Fearful-avoidant
These attachment styles stem from childhood and play a part in our relationships
when we are adults. They can determine the success or difficulty of our romantic
lives, yet when issues arise, we don’t link them to when we were younger.
What Do Attachment Labels Mean?
These attachment styles are primarily defined by our behaviors. For example, if
someone is anxious about attachment, they could be clingy to their partner. An
anxiously attached person may want to be in constant contact or close to the
object of their affection at all times. It can be very stressful for that individual if
they are separated from their attachment which can cause anxiety. They can even
display sadness or anger when reunited with the person they are drawn to, which
might serve to remind the person of their love or punish them for leaving in the
first place.
Someone who has avoidance in attachment could show more cold or indifferent
behavior. They may consider themselves to be independent, when they may be
removing themselves from the possibility of engaging in healthy relationships.
This person may even feel they should show their detachment from partners or
family by placing a higher priority on work, hobbies, or others whom they barely
know.
As children, people become attached to their parents or caregivers and put their
unwavering trust in them to keep them safe. The quality of that guidance and
care, or the lack thereof, then informs our attachment styles as adults. Romantic
relationships are the ones that have particularly strong attachment styles since
these are most akin to the earliest relationships we had with those who cared for
us in terms of vulnerability and familiarity.

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Every adult attachment style has distinctive relationship elements. However,
these are only generalizations and not certainties. Understanding these patterns
can help determine how your attachment style can negatively or positively affect
your relationships.
● Secure attachment: Those with this attachment style are able to maintain
suitable boundaries while having intimate partnerships. These people go
into their relationships confidently and have low anxiety about their
associations. Those with a secure attachment usually communicate
effectively on any given topic, including problematic ones. They have a
positive outlook on their relationships and are forward about what they
need and want in those relationships and expect their partner to be upfront.
 If these people are unattached, they are not bothered, since they are
generally comfortable and happy to be on their own.
● Anxious-preoccupied: Those with the anxious-preoccupied attachment
style tend to be apprehensive in their relationships and may need frequent
affirmation from their partner. This can often lead someone with this type
of attachment style to magnify or invent conflicts within their relationships
because they get a sense of security when they focus on these issues. They
are also more pessimistic about their relationship and have a more anxious
and paranoid outlook on the connection they have with their partner. This
may originate from fear of losing their companion, and they may act
jealous or possessive.
● Dismissive-avoidant: People with the dismissive-avoidant attachment
style may come across as distant or cold and may be cautious of entering
into a committed relationship, often insisting they don’t want to settle
down or be tied to one partner. These people can show their dismissive-
avoidant style and independence by focusing on hobbies, work, or
socializing with acquaintances, while simultaneously leaving their
romantic partners out of the plans. This type of person is likely to display
narcissistic traits and be passive-aggressive.
● Fearful-avoidant: People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles tend to
be drawn to toxic relationships. This may be a result of their desire for a
meaningful relationship but also their fear of an intimate relationship.
They may want to be close to someone but may feel too vulnerable for the
commitment that comes with it. Those with fearful-avoidant attachment
push their partner away while simultaneously obsessing over them by
showing affection one day and ignoring them the next day. These people
tend to have a difficult time setting healthy boundaries within
relationships.

Self-Sabotage
You may see a pattern in your life where problems recur and prevent you from
reaching your goals. Even after making changes and setting forth a path for
success, you end up failing time and again.
If you keep asking yourself why you can’t overcome a hurdle or why failure
chases you around, the answer may be very simple: You’re self-sabotaging. This
refers to behaviors or patterns of thought that prevent you from reaching your
desired goals.
Self-sabotage can manifest in a variety of ways, including the following:
● When things go awry, you blame others. It is common to want answers
when something bad happens or when things don’t go according to plan,
but sometimes no one is responsible, and the circumstance needs to be
chalked up to bad luck. If you tend to find someone or something at fault
whenever something goes wrong but never find the fault lies with you,
then you need to take a deeper look into the validity of this thinking
process.
You may find that several friendships have ended due to various issues.
Perhaps they weren’t considerate when planning a night out, or they were
too argumentative about parenting styles. While it may be true that your
personalities were incompatible, if you don’t consider you had a role to
play in the dissolution of the friendship, you may be wasting an
opportunity for growth within yourself.
● Opting out when things don’t go as planned. Walking away from a bad
relationship, job, or situation that is negative is the mature thing to do, but
before you let go for good, think about your contribution to the event and
if you made an effort to sort things out.
You may find it difficult to keep a job for a great length of time due to
poor management, overstaffing, or issues with coworkers, all of which are
valid, but if you keep leaving a job after a relatively short period of time,
you may want to look into the reasons more closely. If you have low-self
esteem or doubt your worth in your current position, it may lead you to be
disruptive in your work environment and prevent you from performing at
your full potential. Fear of criticism or dealing with conflicts may be
preventing you from giving it your full attention or efforts.
● Instigating conflicts within romantic or platonic relationships. There
are many ways to undermine relationships, often without realizing you are
doing it. Maybe you forget anniversaries or other important dates or don’t
 pick up after yourself to provoke a reaction.
You may also take things personally and assume that any offhanded
comment is being made about you, even when it’s not. Maybe you are
close to sharing your feelings and like to hide when you are upset which
leads to aggression or an unprovoked, snarky reaction when things build
up, instead of keeping communication going.
● You procrastinate. Even the most proficient people hit a wall from time to
time when it comes to productivity. If you have ever done all the
preparation or research for something and then stalled when it came time
to execute the action, you are in the company of many.
Often, we set up all the things we need to get our work done or house
organized, only to lose all motivation. We avoid the job that needs to be
done, and instead focus our energy on social media, cleaning, or going
shopping.
Even when we know we have work to do, procrastination often wins for
no apparent reason. The following may be underlying causes:
○ You second guess your abilities.
○ You have time management issues.
○ You feel overwhelmed with the monumental task at hand.
● Difficulty asking for what you need. Many people with a wounded inner
child have difficulty asking for what they need. You may have difficulty
speaking up for yourself in the following situations:
○ with family
○ among friends
○ in intimate relationships
○ at your workplace
○ in everyday situations
For example, you are waiting for a parking spot at your doctor’s office
when another car swoops in and takes the spot. You feel you are not
entitled to say anything, so you just wait for the next spot, circle around,
 and risk being late for your appointment.
● Pursuing bad romantic connections. In relationships, self-sabotaging
behaviors are all too common. Settling for someone you know isn’t right
for you is a form of relationship self-sabotage, because it is clear from the
beginning that it won’t work.
Signs of self-sabotage include
○ remaining in a relationship with someone who has different wants,
needs, and goals
○ dating similar personality types that repeatedly end in disaster
○ staying in a relationship that will never develop and will go nowhere
You deserve what you want in a relationship, and waiting for the right
person is worth it. Avoid settling into romantic partnerships where you
have different goals, such as one wants children and the other doesn’t.
Many people think they can change the person or themselves with time,
but the fact is that no one should change to suit anybody else. Sometimes
it is best to not get involved or to walk away as soon as you know the
relationship is going nowhere.
● Negative self-talk. If you expect little of others but expect yourself to be
perfect, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Some people have
harsh standards for themselves, while expecting the minimum or just
enough from others.
If you feel like you never do anything right or aren’t good enough to apply
for a certain position or tell yourself that you mess everything up, you are
setting yourself up for failure.
Whether you are outwardly vocal about your disapproval of yourself or
keep the negative self-talk inside your head, the result can be the same:
You may start to believe what you are saying. Once you believe the
horrible things you are saying about yourself, you may lose passion for
things you once loved or give up on your goals without even trying.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
People self-sabotage for many reasons and may or may not be aware they are
doing it.
If someone didn’t get the recognition or attention they deserved when they were
a child, this could lead to self-sabotage. This can stem from trying to help clean
the house for Dad, only to be told they were doing it wrong, or asking Mom to
play, only to be told she didn’t have time because she was going out. This type
of rejection in childhood can cause deep trauma that results in pushing people
away before they have the opportunity to push you away.
People may self-sabotage with complete awareness they are doing so. Someone
who is on a diet may eat high-calorie, high-fat, highly processed foods, such as
doughnuts and chips, knowing it will sabotage the hard work they have put into
losing weight so far.
Others may not be aware they are doing so. For example, they may be aware of a
looming deadline but procrastinate and neglect to fulfill their obligation for
getting the project done on time due to a fear that the final project will not meet
expectations. This type of unconscious self-sabotage can lead to loss of work or
missed opportunities within the company.
Below are some causes for such destructive behavior:
● issues or experiences that occurred in childhood
● previous relationships
● low self-esteem
● cognitive dissonance
Troubled Childhood
A dysfunctional childhood can increase the likelihood of self-sabotage. When
you don’t grow up with a secure attachment style, you may adopt an avoidant
attachment style later in life and show ambivalence. How your caregivers treated
you in your childhood will reflect in how you deal with others in adulthood.
If someone is told that they will never amount to anything in their formative
years, they may grow up to believe that, or may not try so they come up short in
our endeavors.
Difficulty in Relationships
If you have had past partners who told you that you were not worth their time
and always put you down, you may carry a feeling of unworthiness or insecurity
into new relationships.
Even though your current relationship is great, you may test your partner’s
devotion to you by breaking things off to see if they will beg you to come back,
or you might even be unfaithful.
Low Self-Esteem
People who have a low self-image are particularly vulnerable to self-sabotage.
They are likely to behave in ways that confirm how little they think of
themselves. When they feel they are on the verge of success, they become
uncomfortable because they don’t believe they deserve it. Their low self-esteem
is what will hold them back from becoming truly successful.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is a behavioral struggle that happens when your actions do
not match your beliefs. This state of mind occurs when a person has a
contradictory attitude, value, or belief about one particular thing. A good
example of this is that people do not practice what they preach. Someone may
speak vehemently about helping the homeless, but when they see a person curled
under a bridge in the winter, they do nothing to intervene.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging

As discussed, self-sabotage is likely to stem from a wounded inner child who has
low self-esteem. Perhaps your parents, who weren’t particularly successful in
life, told you that you should focus on getting a job that would cover bills and
nothing more. After all, who are you to go to a university and get a degree? If
you were told from an early age that you weren’t going to be successful in love,
money, or life, then you may self-sabotage, because it makes you more
comfortable to go without than it does to have what you want. You may even
feel unsettled when your life is going well, because feelings of genuine
happiness are disrupted by thoughts of what is inevitably (in your mind) going to
go wrong because you certainly don’t deserve a happy life.

Treatment to Help You Stop Sabotaging Yourself

Anyone who self-sabotages may find it challenging to regulate their behaviors
and emotions. Emotional and behavioral dysregulation is frequently formed
during childhood due to neglect or trauma. Harmful reactions can come from
this dysregulation.
Fortunately, there is help for those who self-sabotage using various vices, such
as
● excessive alcohol and drug use
● self-harm
● binge eating
● angry outbursts
The below therapy options are available to those who self-sabotage:
● Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): This form of therapy uses
techniques effective in relieving cognitive contortions. These techniques
help you change negative thought patterns into more positive solutions to
help raise your well-being.
● Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): This therapy is helpful for those
who are dealing with intense emotions, mental illness, and even
personality disorders. This therapy is a way to learn how to regulate and
better understand your emotions.
Healing your inner child will allow you to see yourself as a whole person, rather
than the fragmented individual you have held together thus far. There is more to
life than mediocrity, and it begins when you allow yourself to accept that you
were hurt as a child. Only once you learn to acknowledge this fact, will the
healing truly begin.
 Chapter 4
The Healing
Power of Acceptance
I
t can be overwhelming to initialize the healing process of your inner child,
especially when you didn’t know there was any healing to be done. A big
part of moving through the trauma and acknowledging and dealing with the
hurt from your childhood is allowing yourself time to relax and be calm in
between these momentous steps.
Especially where hurting is involved, we need to allow ourselves to accept who
we are, practice healthy self-acceptance, and validate our past experiences and
emotions. Relaxation techniques are a way to help manage stress and return your
body and mind to a state of calm.
Stress can have long-term effects on your physical and mental health, so
particularly in times of need, it is crucial to focus on reducing stress through
relaxation techniques. There are numerous benefits from detangling your mind
and entering a state of calm, including the following:
● slowing your heart rate
● controlling your breathing
● improving digestion
● lowering blood pressure
● stabilizing blood sugar
● reducing anxiety
● stabilizing stress hormones
● improving sleep quality
● reducing fatigue
● stabilizing mood
● improving mind clarity
● increasing problem-solving abilities

Relaxation Techniques
Professional therapists can help you integrate relaxation techniques into your
life, but there are also many techniques you can do at home. Relaxation
techniques require you to focus on something calm to help increase awareness of
your body. Choose the type of technique that speaks to you the most and gives
you optimal benefits.
You may want to try a few of these techniques before deciding on one or
alternate throughout these relaxation exercises:
● Progressive muscle relaxation: With this technique for relation, you
focus on tightening each muscle group and then relaxing them. This can
help isolate and make you more aware of physical sensations when the
muscles alternatively tense and relax.
To begin, you can tighten the muscles in your feet, and then relax them.
Continue to focus on isolating, flexing, and releasing the various muscle
groups all the way up to your head.
Try to find a peaceful area where there are no interruptions and at a time
during your day when you can usually find calm. Flex your muscles for
around 5 seconds, release for 30 seconds, and repeat.
● Autogenic relaxation: Autogenic means self-generated and refers to, in
this case, using visual imagery and your own body awareness to lessen
stress.
For this relaxation technique, you visualize a peaceful place that calms
you. Focus on your breathing becoming even and your heart rate slowing
down, then relax each part of your body one by one until you melt into a
relaxing state.
● Visualization: In this technique, you are going to use a mental image and
visualize a place you love that makes you feel calm and safe and promotes
a feeling of peace.
Using visualization requires you to use as many of your senses as possible,
such as sound, smell, sight, and touch. If you visualize a beach, imagine
the wind on your face, the smell of the ocean, and the sound of the waves
crashing on the shore.
Sit in a quiet and comfortable location, close your eyes, and revisit your
favorite place, focusing on your breathing while thinking happy thoughts
and repeating positive affirmations.
Simple Relaxation Techniques
Some additional simple relaxation techniques to bring you some calm amid a
hectic day include
● yoga
● deep breathing
● meditation
● massage
● tai chi
● aromatherapy
● music and art therapy
● hydrotherapy

Relaxation Techniques Take Practice

As you practice relaxation techniques, you will learn to be more in tune with the
physical effects of stress, such as muscle tension. You can take a more active
role in how your body responds to stress by providing an outlet when you begin
to feel the symptoms come on. Utilizing these techniques can prevent stress from
overtaking your life and can help prevent depression and anxiety.
Relaxation techniques take time to master so don't be hard on yourself or feel
you have done it wrong if you don't feel much initial benefit. It will take time to
master relaxation techniques, as it does with any other skill.
Try a few different relaxation techniques to see which is best for you. If one
doesn’t work, that might not mean that you failed at it, but that it wasn’t the best
way for you to destress.

Validating Your Inner Child

Your inner child has dealt with emotional neglect for years, so the best thing you
can do is to acknowledge them. You have already taken a step toward showing
them they are being heard and their pain is being validated.
Validation means to show someone you acknowledge their emotional journey.
When you judge or ignore someone, the person feels they are being rejected and
that their feelings don’t matter.
You don’t have to agree with the person’s actions by validating their feelings.
You are showing them that you understand their perspective on a situation, but
are by no means suggesting you would do or feel the same way. Validating
someone’s feelings lets them know they are seen, no matter what your personal
opinions on the matter are. You are simply acknowledging that they are accepted
for who they are. This same message can be sent to our inner child.
By validating their experience and hearing their voice, you are letting them
know that they are seen and heard.

Validating Your Inner Child’s Experiences

Go back to the discovery of your core wounds. It is important to identify the
wounding that occurred and what your inner child is holding on to so that you
can validate their emotions.
You need to begin validating your inner child by being present and interested in
what they dealt with in childhood. It may be difficult to articulate how they feel
in the beginning, but be patient and allow them to work through their feelings in
a safe place, without being rushed or judged.
The next step is to nurture their wounds by responding with words of affirmation
and assuring them their feelings are valid and their reaction to their wound is
understandable. Here are some examples of what to say to let your inner child
know that you are listening:
● I see you and I hear you.
● That sounds like it was difficult to go through.
● It sounds like that is a lot to handle.
● That must have been really hard to deal with.
● I acknowledge your feelings.
● There is no such thing as a bad child.
● Your mistakes do not define you.
● I understand that must have been scary.
 ● Adults should never put that responsibility on a child.

Healing Exercises for Your Inner Child

Below are some healing exercises you can do to relieve your inner child:
● Validate: The first thing you need to do is validate the feelings of your
inner child. Always begin with reassurance and empathy, and let them
know that their feelings are valid. It is important to let them know what
they feel is proportionate to what they went through. It is important to
include this step and face your inner child with compassion and empathy
and not simply force your way through this first stage.
By validating your inner child, you are acknowledging the pain you went
through in your childhood. As painful as it is, you need to associate the
pain of your inner child with the initial link that it leads from your past
and make sure you process those emotions. When you identify these
childhood traumas and acknowledge that as an adult, you still suffer from
these wounds, you will be able to work through them and begin to move
forward. By identifying the event from your childhood that led to the
wound of your inner child, you will be able to move forward and let go of
the painful past.
An example of validating your inner child would be
Of course, you feel afraid and alone right now. You were never
made to feel safe because your parents would dismiss your fears, no
matter what they were of. If you were afraid of the dark, they would
tell you to go to bed and dismiss your fears. I am here and I am
listening to what you have to say. I understand that you can be
afraid and not understand why, and that’s okay. I’ll help you figure
things out.
● Separate: Once you have emphasized with your inner child and validated
their feelings, you need to make the distinction between right now and the
past. Let your inner child know that they are whole and good, no matter
what happens. Relay what happened to them was not because of who they
are; the pain was not their fault. Use actual examples of differentiating
between now and the past so the inner child believes they are safe and the
 things that hurt them in the past are really behind them.
An example of separating the past and present would be
You should not be ashamed of the fear you feel; that is something
your parents taught you. Being made to feel ashamed of being
afraid was wrong. I validate your feelings, and I am not going
anywhere. You will not have to go through anything alone and feel
unsupported as you were when you were a young child because I am
here to protect you. It is my honor to reassure and support you. It is
okay to feel scared at times, and I am happy to comfort you.
● Have a positive vision: Once you validate your inner child and
differentiate, it is important to continue the dialogue with a positive vision
that will bring a feeling of comfort, inspiration, safety, and freedom to
your inner child. This can be a vision that becomes increasingly large over
time into a more detailed vision. Once you have shared this vision, you
should experience a sense of release, and you will feel light, calm,
peaceful, and lucid.
An example of a positive vision would be
Now that we have found one another, we are going to be able to
move forward in life with a greater sense of peace and closure every
day. Let’s go for a walk and just enjoy nature.

Choose Self-Compassion Over Shame

Shame is a terrible feeling to have and is unwarranted in most circumstances.
This negative feeling is attributed to self-judgment over something we feel we
should hide from other people. Practicing self-compassion is a way to be kind to
yourself and diminish the feelings of shame that self-judgment magnifies.
Shame is usually ingrained in us from childhood because someone who was in
charge of our happiness also implied that we were bad or had done something
unforgivable. The thing with children is that they don’t forget as easily as people
assume they do. Moments that are damaging to emotional well-being can be a
lifelong challenge.
It’s not easy to overcome shame just because you can identify when it began. It
often requires a lot of self-work, often with the guidance of a mental health
professional.

Have Some Compassion for Yourself

Self-compassion, or lack thereof, is directly correlated to feelings of shame,
anxiety, or embarrassment. Be kind to yourself, and you will find it comes more
naturally as you deal with your past pain, emotional experience and the shame
you were made to feel.

Pain and Emotions

There is no way to avoid negative experiences throughout our entire lives, but
how we react to those situations can have a significant impact on our behavior.
For example, if you react with shame to a negative experience, you are
displaying self-criticism that can cause you to isolate yourself from others.
Your self-confidence and self-esteem can become extremely low when your
inner voice is heckling you. Depression, drug use, eating disorders, and anxiety
in social situations are also linked to low self-confidence. When you withdraw
from people, you isolate yourself and make it unlikely that you will build or
maintain a support network and meaningful relationships in your life. When you
distance yourself from others, you are making your world, including your
support network, very limited.
Causes for shame can include
● body image
● relationships
● work
● health
● sex
● religion
● money
● trauma
● being labeled
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion allows you to reassure yourself and calm your anxieties when
you are going through times of doubt.
You may need to work on the skills to become self-compassionate, since it
involves being able to accept yourself as you are and understand where your
mental state and feelings are coming from and how to avoid self-judgment.
Examples of self-compassion would be saying to yourself things like the
following:
● “Today I didn’t do as much work as I wanted to. Tomorrow I’ll get on it
first thing.”
● “I’m allowed to express what I am feeling, especially when someone is not
respecting my boundaries.”
● “If I want to spend the day at home reading, it doesn’t mean I’m lazy; it
means I’m taking care of myself.”
Keep in mind that showing yourself compassion is not the same as making
excuses. If you didn’t do something you promised you would, own up to it, but if
you set out to do more than you were capable of doing, all you have done is
mismanaged your time. Accept you are not perfect—none of us are—and
embrace the beauty of not expecting every little thing to go right.

Overcoming Shame
We know how damaging shame can be and that it affects our self-confidence and
self-worth. It is crucial to override this toxic feeling to be more productive by
accepting yourself as you are or changing the way you think about yourself.
Allowing yourself to be kinder to yourself and abolishing shame will help you
shed the burden you have been carrying around with you. Shame is not
conducive to a healthy relationship, especially with yourself. Give yourself a
healthier outlook on life by initializing your self-worth, no matter what anyone
else says or thinks.

Practice Visualization to Soothe Your Inner Child

Visualization is an effective way to connect with your inner child and help deal
with childhood trauma. To use this method to help heal your inner child, create a
safe place where you can connect. Visualize a place where you feel empowered
and safe; somewhere you are away from critique. Once you are in your beautiful,
visual garden, at the beach, or anywhere that you feel safe, invite your inner
child to talk things through.
To begin visualization, do the following:
● Choose a quiet, calm area.
● Close your eyes, breathe deeply and purposely, and relax.
● Imagine you are walking down a serene, winding path. The path is your
safe place where you feel supported and untouchable from anything
harmful.
● Once you have found your safe place, take some time to allow the
ambiance to seep into your core. Is it bright and colorful or dim and
calming? Is there a creek rolling in the distance or wind blowing through
the trees? What does it smell like?
● Once you have become acquainted with your safe place, picture your inner
child walking down the same path toward you.
● When you greet your inner child, embrace them warmly and show them
they are loved.
● Once you are both settled in, ask your inner child to tell you when they
first felt shame, fear, or loneliness. Word it in a way a child would
understand and respond to.
● Wait patiently for them to answer.
● Tell them you appreciate them and acknowledge their pain.
● Say your goodbyes and watch them leave.
● Walk back down the path and out of your safe space.
● Return to your conscious state.
Follow these basic steps, or something similar, to meet with, acknowledge, and
release your inner child. This needs to be a confident place where emotions are
allowed in all their forms.
Children see the world differently than adults, even our own inner children. You
may assume certain events didn’t play a part in your wounded inner child
because you perceive those situations differently as an adult, but as a child, they
might have been extremely painful. You can never assume on behalf of your
inner child.
Through working on your inner child, you will learn to grieve, heal, and work
through the trauma you have held subconsciously throughout your adult life.
This can signify a release from the emotional barriers you had with your inner
child and provide you with spiritual maturity, emotional balance, and well-being.

Prompts for Journaling to Connect to Your Inner

Child
Part of validating your inner child is listening to what they have to say.
Journaling is an important part of this journey and should be done often. If you
are not sure how to begin a conversation with someone you know well but
haven’t spoken to in years, here are some prompts to get you started.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

1. What did I enjoy playing most as a child?

2. Did I have a favorite place to spend time?

3. What was I happiest doing?

4. What made me feel safe and content?

5. What was something I missed out on as a child?

6. Did I get to be with friends? If not, why? If so, how did I feel when I was with
them?

7. How can I make sure I experience what I lacked in childhood?

 Chapter 5
Reframing the Past
A
s an adult, you have gone through experiences and have gained a
perspective that impacts how you expect life to go. Some of the
experiences may be uncomfortable to consider.
Often, enlisting the help of a therapist can be useful, especially if you are
spiraling in a pattern of negative thoughts and emotions. When reframing is used
in a therapeutic capacity, it is referred to as cognitive restructuring.
Reframing your past can be beneficial to your mental state. Mental reframing is
when you shift your mindset to look at a specific person, relationship, or
situation and see it from a marginally different perspective.

Cognitive Distortions
Cognitive distortions are predisposed outlooks we see in the world around us.
These are illogical beliefs and thoughts that we reinforce over time. These
sequences can be subtle and challenging to recognize when they are a part of our
every day. Since they are such a consistent part of our lives, it can be difficult to
see that something needs restructuring.
Cognitive distortions can come in several forms but all share commonalities. The
cognitive distortions are as follows:
● patterns of thinking or beliefs
● tendencies that are inaccurate or untrue
● the potential to inflict psychological harm
Admitting you have false beliefs and distorted thoughts may be terrifying, but no
good comes from relieving these facilities daily.
Anyone can have cognitive distortions, even if only occasionally. Those who
have consistent distortions struggle with identifying and modifying these
incorrect ways of thinking.

What Is Cognitive Reframing or Cognitive

Restructuring?
Cognitive reframing or restructuring is a restorative exercise that allows the
client to challenge, replace, discover, or modify their defeatist thoughts or
cognitive distortions. It helps people reform their false way of thinking about
themselves and those around them. Therapists use this tool to reduce stress by
encouraging more positive and productive thoughts.
It may seem unfathomable to change a negative mindset that has regurgitated
through your mind for years, but just as with any other skill, it becomes easier to
second-guess your disruptive thoughts over time.
Our thinking can make us believe in variations of the truth, which seems
shocking, considering the majority of our thoughts are rational. These cognitive
distortions are a biased way to think about our environment. They are beliefs and
patterns of thought that are illogical, inaccurate, and false and have the ability to
hurt our self-confidence and our ability to be successful.
Magnification or minimization is the most common cognitive misrepresentation.
They affect how we gauge what goes on around us and to us.

Types of Cognitive Distortions

Below is a list of the most common cognitive distortions:
● Polarization of thoughts: This disorder occurs when a person creates
acute thoughts surrounding polar opposite groups (something is good or
evil) and ignores median steps with unrealistic proportions. A polarized
thought is distorted and can cause great emotional distress.
An example of polarized thinking would be to think in extremes, such as
you are either going to find love or be alone for the rest of your life.
● Selective filtration: With this disorder, the one affected eliminates all
positive events and deflects the attention onto the negative, augmenting
them. The person takes comfort in the negative characteristics to interpret
their actuality.
Someone might only see their failures and consider their lives a mess
without acknowledging the success in life. Those with this distortion
revisit the scenarios in their life that they fear most.
● Overgeneralization: This means that one negative incident will become
the normal ending for all other similar situations. In the event, if
 something unfavorable happens one day, the individual will likely think
that the bad thing will happen every time. This can also be compared to
the oppositional view that something will always be or never be a certain
way.
● Demand and perfectionism: Inflexible and strict ideas of how other
people and themselves ought to be. The person is always seeking
satisfaction within themselves or others because they are finding
something wrong in everything.
The consequence of this is guilt, low self-esteem, and frustration with
thinking they always fall short of expectations. Their unwavering demands
on those around them cause others to feel anger toward them.
● Projection: The person displays frustration, weakness, or problems they
don’t want to acknowledge and expects others to have these characteristics
too.
● Elimination of the positive: This thinking implies that people exclude the
positive achievements in their lives by chalking it up to luck or chance or
by saying positive events are rare events that don’t frequently happen
when they are oblivious to the majority of these good events.
● Magnification and minimization (catastrophic vision): Catastrophic
vision is a distortion that can trigger anxiety. It is depicted by the person
expecting that the worst-case scenario will always occur or that the
situation is considered more serious than it is.
Minimization represents the opposite thought in those with anxiety.
Obsession or depression mainly consists of ignoring the good moments or
events that occur in their lives. When you are unable to appreciate the
good moments in your life, your happiness and quality of life suffers.
● Personalization: In this egocentric way of thinking, the person with this
cognitive distortion thinks everything people say or do has something to
do with them specifically and that the world revolves around them.
These people tend to take everything personally, even when they have
nothing to do with the situation or event. An example you might notice in
yourself is taking responsibility for circumstances that were out of your
 control or not your fault. These people may also make the incorrect
assumption that they were targeted or intentionally left out.
● Emotional reasoning: This is the inaccurate belief that the way you are
feeling is what is real, that the way you feel within a situation is reality.
Expressing your feelings and receiving validation for those feelings is
important, but so is reacting to a situation based on facts and evidence.
● Labeling: This is a cognitive distortion where people reduce themselves or
others to one characteristic that is likely negative, such as a loser or drunk.
This labeling defines someone based on one act or single event that can
cause the person to berate themselves and underestimate or misinterpret
others.

Managing Distortions
Fortunately, there are ways to manage these distortions over time. Don’t expect
an instant remedy, but the following thoughtful changes can help change thought
patterns, including:
● Identify the thought. Figuring out why you are having depressed or
anxious thoughts is key to figuring out how to dissolve them.
Understanding the depth of where these issues are rooted will allow you to
dig them up and out of your subconscious.
● Look for alternative thinking. Look for variations to your thinking, such
as alternative reasoning, positive interpretations, and objective evidence to
elaborate your thinking. There is often another explanation you can come
to when you put thought into it. Try writing your original thought on
paper, and then write three alternative interpretations, and see where your
thinking ends up.
● Analyze the productivity of your thoughts. When behavior provides
some sort of positive response or benefit, people tend to repeat the action.
Analyze how patterns in your thought process may have benefitted you
and initiated coping mechanisms in the past. Do they allow you to feel in
control when you otherwise would have felt powerless? Do they let you
get away without admitting to taking risks that were unnecessary? What
are the cons and pros of cognitive distortion and what does it take from
 you?
Cognitive distortions are habits in your thinking patterns that can be negatively
biased and untrue. These distortions normally develop over months or years in
response to negative events.

Cognitive Restructuring
How you perceive a situation affects the way you respond to it. Our responses
and perceptions are strongly guided by feelings. If you have an inaccurate,
exaggerated, or instant response or interpretation to an event in life, you may go
on having distorted perspectives of reality, otherwise known as cognitive
distortions.
Cognitive distortions not only shape your feelings and thoughts but also your
behavior, and they can have an effect on your health, especially in the long term.
By practicing cognitive restructuring, you are challenging your perspectives and
thoughts. Practice techniques that will build fresh insights into an event or
situation, and create a more balanced perspective.
Ask yourself the following questions to challenge your perspective:
● Is there evidence to back up my perspective?
● Is there a side to the situation that I am unaware of?
● Would others come to this same conclusion?
● Is there a gray area I’m not taking into consideration?
● Am I holding myself to unrealistic expectations?
● What is affected by my way of thinking?
It is common to become wrapped up in cognitive distortions, but recognizing
them will allow you to take control and challenge them. Ask yourself questions
to challenge the distortions, thereby creating a perspective that is more balanced.

Cognitive Restructuring Worksheet

Which behaviors did your caregivers use in your childhood?
● Blaming
 ● Teasing/laughing at
● Manipulating
● Physical or emotional withdrawal or abandonment
● Betraying
● Shaming
● Criticizing
● Patronizing
● Enmeshment
● Invalidating
● Conditional love

In what ways do you use them now?

Behavior → Action

Think of the situations in which these things happened. What would have been a
nurturing response?

Situation → Nurturing Response

Examine the Evidence

Socrates was one of the most influential philosophers in history. He died in 399
BC. He stressed the importance of reflecting on our thoughts by exclaiming, “An
unexamined life is not worth living” (Reference, 2020).
Socratic questioning is an effective tool for contemplation and promoting
problem-solving and self-discovery. This can be a constructive catalyst for
managing mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. In CBT, the client
and therapist work together to search for the logic behind negative thoughts and
irrational beliefs.
Therapists often use Socratic questioning when they want to help the patient
confront the distorted ideas they have and gain more mental clarity and
emotional and behavioral stability.

Socratic Questioning in CBT

Socratic questioning encourages you to ask questions that promote self-
reflection and initiate problem-solving. It is often used in CBT to help with the
assisted discovery process.
It works with the collaborative philosophy practiced in CBT which includes
working with a registered therapist to identify and help replace negative thinking
patterns. This has become known as a favorable approach to therapy to help
improve the outcome for patients by enabling them to explore various
perspectives, which leads to a new way of thinking and more validation in
feelings and clear thinking.

Why Is a Question Considered Socratic?

This type of questioning helps you explore something in greater depth, identify
relationships, and form greater clarity in your thinking.
The qualities that make a question Socratic are below:
● Clear: Questions must be direct and free of unnecessary ramblings. A
Socratic question is straightforward and clear; easy to understand.
An example of a clear Socratic question is, “Why do I always feel bad
about myself after I hang out with Charlotte?”
An example of a more ambiguous question that could have many answers
is, “Why am I always like this?”
This unclear question can have many answers, because the specific
behavior isn’t named. To analyze properly, the actions, people, and
situations all need to be set out clearly.
● Open: To encourage discussions and produce more helpful thoughts, ask
open-ended questions. Open-ended questions lead to answers that require
more thought and then to have a more detailed explanation. They can also
be less intimidating and increase the opportunity to have a more fruitful
dialogue.
 Open-ended questions are ones that cannot be answered with a simple
“yes” or “no.” To keep a conversation going and to get adequate
information, you want to ask questions that are open, such as the
following:
○ Why did you decide to go into nursing?
○ What is the most jarring experience you have gone through?
○ How do you imagine your life in ten years?
● Neutral: Neutrality is important, because if you ask a biased question like,
“What’s wrong with me?” then you are already assuming an answer and
therefore are not acknowledging reality. By avoiding biased opinions, even
by yourself, this type of question becomes powerful, because it provides
unlimited possibilities and not just the perception you have at the moment.
● Focused: Specific questions can open up new avenues of learning and
drive us to delve into new topics and discover new things. The question
needs to be on a specific topic or issue. By examining one particular
problem, the Socratic question can bring us a greater understanding of our
thinking.

Examples of Socratic Questioning

The following are examples of Socratic questions:
● What did you mean when you said…?
● What is the point?
● Give me an example.
● Do you mean…?
● What did you expect the outcome to be?
● Are there different points of view? What is an example?
● What was the most important thing about that question?

Finding a New Perspective

Cognitive distortions can be changed over time, and a new perspective can be
found. Here are some steps that you can take to help change your way of
thinking and have more productive thoughts:
● Identify the thought causing you anxiety. There are going to be specific
thoughts that make you feel anxious or cause you to feel depressed. The
first step is to recognize what that thought is and the responsible distorted
thinking.
● Reevaluate the situation. There is always a gray area or alternate
explanation for what has occurred. Try implementing objectivity and look
for a more positive interpretation of the situation that you deemed
negative. Things are not always what they appear to be.
● Evaluate your gains. As difficult as it is to admit, you may be
perpetuating negative behavior because it brings you an outcome that
benefits you or gives you a feeling of accomplishment. Ask yourself the
following questions:
● Are you behaving in a way that gives you a feeling of superiority?
● Do you feel in control of the situation when you interpret a scenario
or situation a certain way?
● Does your behavior allow you to avoid taking responsibility for
something you have done?
Determine how your thought patterns have affected relationships, jobs, and other
connections you may have lost. Considering what you are missing out on might
allow you to take control of your unhinged thoughts.

CBT
You can participate in many activities that will help you revisit your inner child,
including art therapy.
Cognitive behavioral therapy, as we have discussed, is a form of therapy that
helps someone identify and interpret descriptive ways of thinking and change
them to a more healthy and optimistic pattern.
This form of therapy allows you to focus on what you want for yourself in the
future and helps you set goals to get there. You can look forward to a more stable
relationship with yourself and others within a few weeks to months as results
become apparent.
Socratic Questioning Worksheet
Those who are suffering from a wounded inner child or other neurological or
mental illness are likely to have an inner dialogue that never shuts off. The mind
can conjure up thoughts and scenarios that provoke a negative response or
emotion and affect the way we perceive and respond to a situation.
To prevent your rampant thoughts from running your emotions, take the time to
respond to each thought by questioning whether the emotions it is making you
feel hold validity.

Thought that needs to be challenged:

Is there evidence supporting the thought? Disproving it?

Is the thought based on feelings or on facts?

Could I be making assumptions and misinterpreting the

evidence or situation?

Is this a black-and-white thought that I am having or the more

complicated reality?

Could others interpret the same situation differently? What are

those interpretations?

Am I considering all the evidence or just looking for ways to

justify my perception of the situation?

Are my thoughts an exaggeration of reality?

Did this information come from someone else, or did I witness

this?

Is my thinking the worst-case scenario, or is it a likely depiction

of the truth?

Is this a thought I usually have, or is there a specific fact that

supports it?
 Chapter 6
Reparenting
the Inner Child
Y
ou have introduced yourself to your inner child, accepted them, and
let them know they are safe with you. Now it is time to reparent your
inner child. Once your inner child is open to speaking freely, you can
deepen the conversation in the new safe space you have created
together.
Reparenting was introduced in the 1970s by Dr. Lucia Capacchione through art
therapy. This technique focuses on showing your inner child they are loved,
protected, and accepted in a way they lacked in their adolescent years. A large
part of our personality stems from the power that our inner child holds over us
into adulthood, in our thoughts, relationships, decisions, and how we approach
situations and interpret them. Now is the time to reintroduce techniques to your
inner child to minimize the negative loops that cause you anxiety and the
mindset that is closing you off from acceptance of a productive and happy life.

Ways to Begin a Healing Dialogue With Your Inner

Child
As with any new relationship, you may not know how to dive in and get a
dialogue going. It often helps to put to paper what is bothering us about
ourselves or someone else, because it helps release what we’ve been holding
onto and are too afraid to say. The same can be done with your inner child. To
begin, you will need to have two pieces of paper ready (envelopes optional), but
don’t worry about sending them anywhere, as they are only meant to release the
pain and begin healing.
You will be writing one letter as your inner child to those who made them
unworthy or ignored as a child and then a second from yourself to your inner
child.

Letter From the Inner Child to the People/Person Who Caused

Trauma
The letters you send from your inner child should have no boundaries so the
inner child can say exactly what they need to. Address the people in your life
who hurt you, abandoned you, or made you feel shame. Say anything you kept
inside when you were young. Let all the pain out without holding back. Allow
your inner child to say all they were too afraid to say when they had no voice.
There should be nothing unsaid and no worries about anyone else’s feelings,
because no one will ever read your letter. This is a healing process that will only
help if you allow your inner child to direct their anger at those who hurt them
most when they were too small to stand up for themselves. There is no need to
explain your inner child’s feelings; just say what you need for their tiny voice to
finally be heard.

Letter to Your Inner Child

When you write to your inner child, you need to be careful with your words.
Your words to this child will be absorbed completely and will redirect how they
behave and interact with you. Give your inner child the compassion and
validation they never received when they were young.
Begin by acknowledging the suffering your inner child endured. This will let
them know that you see them, you hear them, and you will always be there for
them. Adamantly deny them of any wrongdoing and help alleviate the guilt they
might have been carrying all this time. They are not to blame for any of the pain
they’ve been holding onto, and none of the unpleasantness they felt was because
they were bad or inadequate. Let them know you are going to help protect them
and help them move beyond their pain, but make sure they know they can
always bring it up if need be.
Tell your inner child that they are brave for speaking to you now and strong for
showing such vulnerability. Reinforce that you will always be present for them
and will remain a steadfast guide of love in their life.

Speak Aloud to Your Inner Child

Some use a mirror to speak directly to themselves during this exercise, but you
do not have to. You do need to ask your inner child questions out loud, speaking
to your reflection or just to the air. Answer the questions truthfully and without
restraint. If you feel emotional, comfort your reflection or yourself.
Use words you never heard when you were young, words that you wish had been
said to you to soothe you or make you less afraid or feel more loved.

Write in a Journal or Diary as Your Inner Child or Adult

Dr. Lucia Cappachione, author of The Power of Your Other Hand: A Course in
Channeling the Inner Wisdom of the Right Brain, suggests using your dominant
hand to write as the adult and non-dominant hand for the inner child when
journaling. This technique, according to Dr. Cappachione, engages the right
brain, which is connected to emotional expression.
The dominant hand is that of the adult and should be used to write things to let
the inner child know they are heard and are safe. The non-dominant hand should
speak as the wounded inner child who is just discovering a way to speak for
themselves. Your mind will distinguish the conversation between the two
personalities using opposite hands that represent each half of you as they work
together to become whole and learn about each other.

Artistic Expression
When you were a child, what made you really excited? What inspired you or
made you feel that you could do anything? Whether through singing, dancing,
drawing, or writing, these creative expressions help create a place of escape
where you feel calm and safe.
Communicate in a way that makes you feel heard and in a space that allows you
to become lost in the activity. Using artistic expression rather than words can be
a powerful way to bring your emotions to the surface and allow them to be faced
with honesty. The more in tune your inner child is with the activity, the more
outpouring of creative energy and emotion can be released.

Make Time to Play With Your Inner Child

Your inner child needs to come out to play from time to time, and you need to be
ready and willing to go on the adventure alongside them. When you feel a
lighthearted or childish moment coming on, embrace it and the joy of freedom
you once felt.
Watching shows, reading books, or revisiting places you loved as a child can
help pull you back into a carefree world that was colorful and animated and
limitless when you were younger. No activity is off limits as long as it’s safe. Go
play on the swings, go puddle jumping, or have a snowball fight. Reintroduce
yourself to the unbridled joy of your inner child when they found their happy
place.
Nurturing Your Inner Child as the Parent You Needed
Nurturing your inner child and showing them the compassion and love you wish
you had as a child is essential for taking back your life. How can you parent
yourself the way you wish you were parented or protected by the adult in your
childhood? To answer this question, you need to ask yourself the following to
determine what your wounded inner child needs:
● Is it a safe place?
● Is it acceptance?
● Do you need to be recognized for what makes you special?
● Do you need someone to stand up for you?
● Do you need emotional validation?
● Do you need to be heard?
● Do you need to feel that someone was proud of you?
Some ways to help yourself receive this inner validation include the following:
● Have a safe place. Everyone needs to feel safe, and routine is a positive
way to promote that feeling. Safety can come in many forms, from how
we make our home to the company we keep, but it can also come in the
form of rituals that we perform each day to remind ourselves of the
stability we have created. This ritual may include taking a walk through
the same park each day or having a morning coffee while reading the
paper. How we feel safe is personal, so find your safe space, ritual, or
people, and visit at least once a day.
● Be accepted. You may not feel accepted because of mistakes you made in
the past, but that needs to change. Everyone has done something they wish
they could take back, whether it was done intentionally or not.
● Learn from your mistakes and spin them into something that is more
positive in the future. If you do falter, simply ask yourself what you
could do differently next time. Do not dwell on the misstep but on the
positive steps you can take to create a different outcome in the future. This
is known as a fixed mindset.
● Envelope mistakes and use them for learning purposes. Write down
times you judge yourself and are self-critical, and then see how these
outlooks can be shifted into a more positive form of acceptance. Things
may not shift to the fixed mindset immediately, but with practice, you will
accept yourself and all your beautiful mistakes.
● Recognize what makes you unique. Children are innately curious and
seek out answers to the observations they make about the world around
them, but sometimes they blurt out rather embarrassing statements about
individuals who may appear different, such as
○ Why is that man yelling?
○ Why does that woman have only one leg?
○ Does that kid need to stay in that wheelchair forever?
These are all valid questions, and they should be asked. Children tend to
feel awkward that they don’t belong to the restrictions we put on what they
may ask of others or what others may ask of them. If your child has engine
red hair and freckles, wore glasses from an early age, was born with one
arm, or has some other unique trait, they need to feel comfortable about it.
Just as a child deserves to feel special for their unique qualities, so do you.
Write down a list of your unique traits, talents, features, etc., and then
write something fascinating about it. If you have dyslexia, guess what? So
do Henry Winkler, Anderson Cooper, and Albert Einstein!
Embrace your uniqueness! You’re already one of a kind, so anything extra
just proves how amazing you are.
● Validate your emotions. Much distress in the inner child comes from
adults not allowing them to display emotions. They are often perceived as
having weakness or bad behavior and are told not to cry or say certain
things when they are mad but just to forget about the experience and move
on. This invalidates a child and makes a lasting impression on an inner
child that moves forward through adulthood.
Don’t push your feelings away when they come to you. If you’re angry or
disappointed, allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment or
reaction. Your feelings need to be acknowledged at the moment because
 you have a right to feel what comes naturally to you. Without telling
yourself to stop feeling, soothe yourself as you would have wanted your
parents to do when you were young. Tell yourself you understand these
feelings are valid and you will sit as long as you need.
Don’t allow shame to become any part of your reaction to what you’re
going through. When the adults around you said you were a failure, or a
baby, or whiny, or not good enough, it was they who were wrong.
Remember you were taught to feel shame and undeservedly so. You are
not perfect and you do have flaws—as does everyone—so accept it and
feel your feelings.
● Be heard. A child’s voice is small, but it has as much to say as anyone
else. Perhaps you felt no one listened to you when you were small,
whether it was about what you wanted for dinner, where you wanted to go
on vacation, or how you felt about moving away from your home or
school.
Sit your inner child down and apologize on behalf of the adults who never
acknowledged what they had to say, and assure them you are listening
now. Recount each time you didn’t feel you had a voice and validate each
experience so your inner child knows they are not silenced anymore. Ask
your inner child how they felt, why they felt that way, and what they
would have liked the adult in their life to do differently. Give that to them
now.
● Feel proud of you. Many children spend what should be the happiest
years of their lives struggling to find acceptance within their own space:
their home. The family that should support them and love them expresses
disappointment no matter how hard they try.
You were made to feel your accomplishments weren’t enough and, in turn,
you weren’t enough. Perhaps you got a B- that you worked especially hard
for but were asked why you didn't get an A? Or you came in second in a
relay and your dad scoffed that you should have trained harder to be
number one. No matter what you did, it wasn’t enough, so you felt
ashamed and that you would never live up to expectations.
Tell your inner child they were enough, their triumphs were in trying at all,
 and they should be proud of their achievements because you couldn’t be
more thrilled with their efforts.
Make a list of all the sports, teams, and adventures you were a part of
during your childhood, and name your favorite thing about each one as
well as something you were really good at. Tell yourself how proud you
were back then and how nothing about that has changed.

Rewrite the Future With a Behavioral Experiment

Psychotherapists suggest clients conduct behavioral experiments that test their
beliefs. It is a powerful technique used in cognitive behavioral therapy that helps
provide clarity to one’s assumptions, rather than seeing things from only their
perspective.
If you only believe one thing for sure, you may be ignorant of the truth, such as
what actually happened, who did what, or how things transpired. Holding onto
your beliefs unequivocally can mislead you.
For example, someone who believes they will be overweight because there is a
family history of obesity and related illnesses may be encouraged to try a variety
of ways to maintain a healthy weight, such as
● exercising
● eating healthy
● getting plenty of rest

How the Experiment Works

Cognitive behavioral therapists, as mentioned previously, work with people to
help them recognize their issues and the emotions, thoughts, and beliefs about
these issues or problems. The therapist then helps the patient identify false
thoughts and patterns that make the issue worse.
The next step is to help the person challenge their illogical and unproductive
thoughts through the processes of questioning them and encouraging them to
think of other ways to see the issue at hand.
Questions need to be asked by the therapist that helps the patient see deviations
from their presuppositions. For example, a therapist might ask a client who
insists they can’t do anything what was something they did well.
This simple form of questioning can help the patient realize they are not entirely
accurate in their assumptions.
When someone believes deeply that they are a certain way or that something is
entirely true, it can be challenging to change the thought patterns around these
core beliefs, partly because we are more ready to see evidence that supports what
we think instead of what proves us wrong.
If someone believes they have no skills and then gets rejected for a job they
applied for, they may consider this proof that they are not good at anything.
Alternatively, if they are invited out with a group of friends, they may consider
this out of sympathy and not because they like their company.
Someone may begin to believe in their abilities when they accomplish something
they never thought they could, such as completing a triathlon or getting a
promotion. Likewise, if someone gets a positive response from someone they
assumed would put them down, they may release the thoughts that everyone is
untrustworthy.
Behavioral experiences can help build up self-esteem by gathering proof they are
capable and may help them see the good in the world.

The Experiment
There are many ways to perform behavioral experiments. Some people may
conduct a survey to gather proof of what others believe. Some may want to
confront their fears head-on.
No matter which behavioral experiment the person is directing, the client and
therapist work together on the exercise by
● recognizing the exact belief, process, or thought the experiment will focus
on.
● brainstorming to come up with ideas for the analysis.
● predicting and formulating a method to document the outcome.
● forecasting challenges and brainstorming to generate solutions.
 ● orchestrating the experiment.
● reviewing and drawing conclusions on the experiment.
● discerning if additional experiments are required to follow up.
The client, along with their therapist, will propose the experiment, and then
conduct it and monitor the results closely. Then they discuss the results and how
they impact the client’s beliefs.
The therapist may recommend further analysis or experiments to form a stricter
assessment of the client’s unhealthy beliefs.

Examples of Experiments
Psychotherapists can help individuals formulate a behavioral experiment that can
neutralize most skewed thoughts. Some examples of these behavioral
experiments are below:
● A woman feels tired at bedtime so she stays on social media and watches
videos until she falls asleep. Her behavioral experiment requires her to
stop taking her phone or other electronics into her room at night and see if
she feels more restful reading a book before bedtime instead.
● A man suffering from depression stays in his bed on days when he is
particularly down. He spends the day on his phone or watching television
and leaves his bedroom only to get food. The behavioral experiment
requires him to get out of bed and go to work, spend the day with friends,
or be productive.
● A woman feels her life is inadequate because she sees social media posts
of her friends seemingly living exciting and perfect lives. She checks what
her friends post every day. Her behavioral experiment requires her to stay
off social media for an entire week to see if she feels less envious of the
lives others lead.
● A man worries that people only like him because of what he can offer
them. He is afraid to say “no” to anything people ask of him, even when
he doesn’t have the time. His behavioral experiment requires him to say
“no” when someone asks him to do them a favor and see how they
respond.
● A woman believes her friends only hang out with her because she likes to
treat them to coffee, dinner, and other social outings. She doesn’t say “no”
because she is worried they won’t hang out with her anymore. Her
behavioral experiment requires her not to pay for the tab next time she is
out with her friends and see how they react.
 Chapter 7
Build
Emotional Intelligence
E
motional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to use, perceive, manage,
and understand your emotions. When you possess these abilities, you
are more likely to benefit from academic achievement, solid decision-
making, and personal and professional success. It can be argued that
emotional intelligence is more likely to benefit your life than a high intelligence
quotient (IQ).
What exactly is emotional intelligence? It is the capacity to perceive, interpret,
control, demonstrate, and to use emotions when communicating in a constructive
and effective way with others.

What Is Required for Emotional Intelligence?

How can we become emotionally intelligent? Psychologist Brandon Goleman,
who made the concept popular in his book Emotional Intelligence, suggests five
components of emotional intelligence. They are as follows (Goleman, 2005):
● Self-awareness: The capability to acknowledge and understand one’s
emotions is a highly important skill when reaching emotional intelligence.
Along with recognizing one’s emotions is the ability to know the effect
your moods, emotions, and actions have on others.
Monitoring your emotions is key to becoming self-aware, including
observing your own emotional reactions and identifying each of them.
Someone who is self-aware is able to recognize the connection between
their feelings and how they behave. They also know their own limitations
and their strengths and readily invite new experiences, learning from their
exchanges with other people.
Dr. Goleman states that those who are self-aware are confident and are at
ease with others, displaying social awareness and identifying social cues.
Those who are self-aware are under no delusions as to how others perceive
them.
Here are some ways to improve upon your own self-awareness:
○ meditate
○ write down your thoughts and interactions
 ○ invite constructive feedback
○ try new things
○ set goals
○ be aware of your emotions and thoughts behind them
○ be mindful
○ engage in positive self-talk
○ look back on personal experiences
○ allow your mindset to grow
● Social skills: Interacting with others in social and work situations is vital
to having healthy emotional intelligence. Strong social skills help build
significant relationships and develop greater potential to understand
ourselves and others.
Understanding your emotions and those of others is a part of social skills,
but you also need to utilize this information when you interact with others
to communicate appropriately.
In a work setting, for example, if you can connect with coworkers or your
employees effectively, you will create a more successful work
environment. Some important social skills include
○ nonverbal communication skills
○ verbal communication skills
○ active listening
○ persuasiveness
○ leadership
If you can build a strong relationship with people you associate with in
your work life and social life, you are more likely to build stronger bonds
and be able to move forward with a relationship that creates efficiency.
You can improve your social skills by
○ asking open-ended questions
 ○ being aware of others’ social skills
○ practicing comfortable eye contact
○ using commonalities or ice breakers to begin conversations
○ showing you are interested in what others say or do
○ practicing active listening skills
○ being aware of your body language
○ working on your social skills
● Self-regulation: It is important to be aware of our emotions and how they
affect others; it is equally important to regulate our emotions and manage
how we present them to others. By no means should you hold in your
feelings and lock them deep inside, but it does refer to waiting for the
opportune moment to express them. Self-regulation is an important tool
for communicating your feelings appropriately.
When someone is able to self-regulate, they adapt better to challenging
circumstances and change without issue. They also tend to be more
considerate of how they might impact others and be willing to take control
of their own actions and hold themselves accountable for how they
behave.
You can become adept at self-regulation by practicing the following:
○ being aware of your feelings and thoughts
○ managing challenging emotions
○ considering obstacles as opportunities
○ working on communication skills
○ having efficient communication skills
○ improving distress tolerance
○ accepting your feelings
○ recognizing that you choose to respond the way you do
○ applying cognitive reframing to disrupt emotional responses and
 thought patterns
● Motivation: Intrinsic motivation offers a reward for our actions that are
motivated by the satisfaction within. Those who have emotional
intelligence are driven by the reward of inner satisfaction rather than
external rewards such as money, fame, or recognition.
These people have a desire and drive to achieve their goals because of the
rush they get or the feeling of the experience. They tend to be driven, take
initiative, and set high standards for themselves when determining what
they are able to achieve.
Ways to improve your motivation include
○ acknowledging your results
○ pushing yourself to stay interested
○ aiming to achieve small, clear, and measurable goals
○ not using extrinsic rewards
○ setting attainable goals and building intrinsic motivation
● Empathy: The ability to share feelings with and understand other people
—empathy—is essential to emotional intelligence. Empathy is more than
recognizing the emotions of others, however. It involves how you respond
to people based on the information you have.
How do you respond to someone who is feeling anxious or worried?
Someone with empathy would try to calm them down and let them know
that everything will be okay.
Empathy equips you to better understand the dynamics that impact social
relationships, particularly in the workplace. They help guide your
exchanges with those you face every day. When someone is able to sense
who holds the power in various dynamics, they can decipher various
situations that depend on these power dynamics.
Build empathy by
○ listening to others
○ engaging in conversation with new people
 ○ putting yourself in someone else’s shoes
○ doing community service or helping with a community event
○ expressing and sharing your feelings
○ practicing meditation

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence Skills

Having strong emotional intelligence skills can positively impact a person’s life.
Those who possess this skill tend to remain level-headed in difficult situations,
handle uncomfortable situations well, and make others feel more comfortable.
Benefits of strong emotional skills include the following:
● Leadership: Emotional intelligence creates a more constructive and
persuasive leader.
● Self-knowledge: When you are aware of your feelings, it allows you to
understand yourself on a deeper level.
● Self-control: When you are in control of your emotions, you are able to
develop skills that allow you to control your reactions to those emotions.
● Communication: Learn to understand others and how they are feeling.
This will enable you to communicate with them more effectively.
● Stress management: When you are able to control your emotions, you
have more control during circumstances that are stressful or filled with
conflict.
Emotional intelligence allows you to feel more empathy for those around you
which allows you to better develop and maintain interpersonal relationships.
Creating stronger bonds with people creates a support network in your life that is
essential for mental and emotional wellness.

Activities to Build Emotional Intelligence

You know what it takes to foster emotional intelligence, so now we’re going to
look into activities that can help build emotional intelligence.
Actively Listen
Nonverbal communication can be just an important method of conveying our
emotions as verbalizing them, therefore, we must watch for both positive and
negative reactions to what we are conveying.
We have all experienced the feeling that someone is hearing words come out of
our mouths but not actually understanding what we are saying. When you
demonstrate that you are listening to what someone has to say, it will build a
deeper connection, and respect, and lay the foundation for a meaningful
relationship. To be a good active listener, ask questions, repeat key points, or nod
on occasion to show you are paying attention to the meaning of their words.
Journal
Journaling is a good tool for keeping in touch with your emotions and releasing
pent-up negativity while strengthening your emotional intelligence. Writing your
experiences and the thoughts and emotions you feel because of them is a
productive and effective way to sift through issues as you go through your days.
Journaling helps you to solve problems, gain more clarity on situations, and
manage stress.
Effectively Communicate
Not only is clear communication a critical skill for emotional intelligence.
Knowing what and how to say something and when to present the information
are all equally important. A team leader must be clear when communicating
what they expect of the team and keep everyone up to speed on the goals. Be
honest and concise in your communication, don’t mince words, and provide an
open mind for others to communicate their feelings to you.
Acknowledge the Feelings of Others
Being in tune with yourself and expressing your thoughts and feelings is
important, but so is being aware of how others perceive the way you behave and
how you communicate. You may be a direct person, but if you are blunt to a
fault, you may be perceived by some as abrasive. If you are unsure of how others
regard you, it’s okay to ask; in fact, it will show them that you value their
feelings.
Stay Positive
Maintaining a positive and calm disposition, even when things are hectic, will
help those around you. Staying positive in difficult situations can be a lifeline to
others that may be feeling stressed. We all indulge in negative feelings
occasionally, but when we have a proactive approach, we have more power to
turn a bad situation around and advocate for an adequate solution.
Activities you can do to maintain a positive state of mind include the following:
● listening to music that makes you happy
● practicing a form of art such as dancing, painting, or playing guitar
● doing deep breathing exercises in chaotic situations
Maintain an Open Mind
Emotionally intelligent individuals are more approachable because they consider
situations from the perspective of others. These people are also open to trying
new ideas and implementing strategies that are outside the box. Instead of
dismissing a new concept immediately, consider what it might look like if you
incorporate it into your own life or work.
Some ways to implement an open mind are below:
● Confirmation bias is one of the cognitive reasons for many to be closed-
minded. This is the tendency to look for, interpret, support, and then recall
data in ways that support or confirm your beliefs. A step to defeating this
bias is to acknowledge it and then take a moment to digest new
information and evaluate it based on research and facts, rather than
agreeing because it supports your beliefs.
● To have confidence in your intellect and in your choices is commendable,
but resolution in only your own ideals can be a sign of closed-minded
thinking. Being open-minded requires you to question others, as well as
yourself. As new information is learned, ask yourself if the source of the
information is trustworthy. Have you considered other possibilities? Do
you know a lot about this topic? Are you biased to the outcome of your
thinking on this matter?
● Consider information and how you can approach it open-mindedly, rather
than reacting immediately. This requires more self-control and takes more
effort, but it will offer an insight into other people’s thinking and help you
gain perspective on different views.
 ● Research has shown that being knowledgeable or expert on a topic can
make people closed-minded. The brain is imperfect and is continually
learning, while technology, nutrition, medicine, and most other concepts
and things on Earth are ever-changing, so no one truly knows it all.
Believing you know everything about a topic can lead to ignorance or
overestimation of your knowledge because your limits are not being
acknowledged. Take a moment to hear other points of view and additional
information that you may not be aware of, allowing everyone to learn
something new and communicate in a cohesive way.
Empathize
Try to maintain an open mind when dealing with others. You may not consider
something they are going through to be particularly difficult, but all emotions are
subjective. Whether you feel the same way or not, try to see situations from the
other person’s perspective and acknowledge how it feels to be in their shoes.
Respond to Constructive Criticism With Self-Reflection
Have you ever heard the expression, “Step outside of yourself”? The ability to
take constructive criticism is the ability to hear what others have to say about
your performance, how you handle a situation, and what you can do to react or
convey things differently. Whether it’s how you respond to feedback on your
performance at work or the reaction when a friend confides in you, it’s worth
hearing what someone has to say from their perspective. Listening to what
someone else has to say will allow you to acknowledge your faults and take
responsibility for your decision.

Building Emotional Intelligence

You have learned the activities that can help you build emotional intelligence.
Now, it’s up to you to follow through on these steps.

Empathize: What have you done to show your inner child or others
empathy?
Identify: What negative thoughts, expressions, or emotions are
holding you back? How are you going to keep them under control?

Evaluate: What actions, relationships, and behaviors need to be

rectified? What will your first step be
Express: How do you feel and why? What are you going to do to
resolve any negative feelings?
 Chapter 8
Learning
From Your Past
O
nce you have met your inner child, heard what they had to say, and let
them know you will protect them, you need to make sure you can
fulfill that promise. How can you put the lessons you have learned to
good use? How can you build a better life where their growth is
encouraged?
Having a traumatic childhood can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
and can make seemingly simple tasks or situations terrifying. To protect your
inner child, you need to find a way to set those boundaries and stick to them for
stability.
For example, when someone gives you constructive criticism on your cooking,
focus on the positives they offer and not just the negatives. When you give
constructive feedback, compliment one or two things you like about their story,
cooking, or clothing before offering criticism. Hearing the positive makes
hearing what you need to work on easier.

A Guide to Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for people who suffer from post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD), but it can be difficult to do. Many who live with PTSD also
bear feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, making it difficult for them to
set boundaries to protect themselves. When others do not respect their
boundaries, it can cause further stress.
We cannot expect everyone to know immediately what our boundaries are, since
we do not wear them expressly on our person. It can be awkward and
challenging to set boundaries and even more so to communicate them to others,
but this is also an essential step toward promoting your mental health and well-
being.
When you set boundaries, you are setting up an invisible shield meant to protect
your emotional, physical, and mental health. We often set boundaries for
● emotions
● thoughts
● personal space
 ● time
● possessions
● sexuality
● ethics
● culture
● religion
Everyone should set the five main boundaries below within their personal and
professional lives:
● Physical: This refers to your personal space and how comfortable you are
with someone touching you or even being close to you. Someone in your
life may be very comfortable sharing shows of affection in public, but you
may find even hand-holding awkward. This also means you need to be
respectful of others’ preferences.
● Intellectual: These boundaries are the beliefs, concerns, and thoughts that
you have. When someone does not regard these beliefs, they are being
disrespectful.
● Sexual: This refers to what you feel is appropriate or what you are
comfortable with in intimate situations. You are allowed to express
yourself if you find a form of touch or expression uncomfortable.
● Emotional: This refers to what you are comfortable sharing with others,
whether it is your feelings or your past. You are in charge of determining
how much or how soon you divulge.
● Financial: This boundary is all about money and how comfortable you are
sharing your finances. You may want to avoid going on vacation with
someone who spends money freely when you are on a budget. You may
want to speak about how much money you have to someone you know is
on a tight budget.
Everyone should feel they deserve to set boundaries that others need to abide by.
Boundaries help build healthy relationships because they set rules for negotiating
professional or personal relationships. The challenge can be to know where to
begin putting up those dividers between what you will accept and what you will
not tolerate. Boundaries can also help nurture
● independence
● emotional strength
● self-esteem
Setting boundaries may sound like you are setting up a wall around yourself and
not letting anyone in, but the truth is that boundaries, such as the below, set a
parameter to respect and acknowledge one another’s feelings:
● Improve self-esteem: When you set a boundary, you are protecting
yourself from having relationships become precarious. The limits placed
on ourselves and others help our relationships maintain a closeness while
allowing you to put precedence on your own health, whether within your
career, personal relationships, or your own self-care.
By establishing personal boundaries, you are demonstrating how you have
become more responsible for your life. You are in control of how you will
be treated by others and will react in a way that reinforces your
boundaries. The more you demand respect and consideration from others,
the more you will begin to see yourself as being worth it.
● Preserve emotional energy: When you are unable to advocate for
yourself, your self-esteem can be affected and you may begin to resent
those around you. There is no rule that you need to set the same
boundaries for everyone in your life. Navigate the settings of your
boundaries depending on the situation or the people or person that you
associate with.
If your mental wellness is suffering because you are bearing the emotional
brunt of a friend’s personal drama, you need to alleviate yourself of that
negative energy. This doesn’t mean that you are not able to help that same
friend out when they need help moving homes.
● Allow for flexibility: You may find that at the beginning of your healing
journey or at various times in your life, you need to set stricter boundaries
than at other times. Don’t feel that once a limit is set, you are unable to
loosen it. Being too strict on boundaries may cause you to become
isolated, or it may cause you to abandon them altogether.
 ● Allow room to grow and the opportunity to be vulnerable: Life is
complicated, as are feelings at various stages and during certain events in
our lives. Setting boundaries that you will release at the right time is
revealing your vulnerability.
A display of vulnerability can be speaking about a difficult time in your
life to your friends. Showing that you trust someone enough to open up
about your feelings will show them that they can feel comfortable opening
up to you, should the need arise.
There is a difference between sharing too much and being vulnerable.
When we are vulnerable, we allow ourselves the opportunity to create a
common bond with someone, but when you overshare, you risk
dramatizing a situation or using it to manipulate the relationship to go in a
certain direction.
Ways you may be sharing too much are below:
○ You release your issues onto anyone who will listen.
○ You are the only one speaking in the conversation.
○ You air your drama or anger on social media.
○ You expect people to be a part of your drama at a whim.
○ You share too much information with a new associate or friend.
Setting boundaries on communication is important for yourself as well as others.
When you share too much information, you may push someone out of their
comfort zone and create unnecessary distance in your relationship rather than
bring you closer together.

Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Setting new boundaries does not mean you have to abandon your existing ones.
You may need to revisit boundaries at a later date as circumstances change and
you grow, but that is up to you to do on your terms in alignment with what
makes you comfortable. Some simple ways to begin include:
● Take time for self-reflection: Introducing boundaries isn’t as simple as
 spewing off some nos and don’ts. It is important to understand and
acknowledge why you are setting each boundary and how it will benefit
you emotionally. Discover what makes you uncomfortable by diving into
your own psychological needs. You don’t need to set them all at once
either, but gradually implement what works best for you and helps to
protect the safety of your inner child.
● Take small steps: Set your boundaries gradually rather than all at once.
You may not realize what you need to limit until a situation occurs, so
don’t feel that you need to decide all at once. Setting a few limits at a time
can be impactful and allow you to reflect on your decisions and determine
if you are heading in the direction that works for you.
● Set boundaries early in a relationship: Setting boundaries once you are
already in a relationship can be challenging. Set boundaries at the
beginning and there will be less chance of confusion, frustrations, or hurt
feelings.
● Be consistent: Once you loosen your boundaries, either because someone
guilts you into it or because it’s easier for you, you are opening the door to
others demanding more of you. Keep things consistent and the line
between what you will accept and not accept remains drawn.
● Add boundaries to existing ones: In many situations, boundaries are
already set, such as at a workplace, but this doesn’t mean additional ones
cannot be added to make you feel more comfortable. There may be a no
dating policy between coworkers, but you can take this a step further and
decline any invitations to outings that do not pertain to the workplace.
Some people prefer to keep their work life completely separate from their
personal life.
● Communicate clearly and effectively: If someone is constantly ignoring
your boundaries, you need to clarify them. This may be uncomfortable,
but it doesn’t need to be confrontational. If you have a sibling or friend
who expects you to babysit regularly, there is nothing wrong with telling
them you have plans but would babysit another time you are free.
● Monitor social media posts: It is easy to be a keyboard warrior or express
your problems on social media because it allows a sense of anonymity. It
 can also be tempting to chime in when others share their personal stories,
but you may find this opens up the door for others to pry into your life and
push your boundaries more than you are comfortable with. If you do not
feel good about telling a stranger about your issues in person, it’s likely
not a good idea to post them on a social platform for all to see.
● Advocate for yourself: When setting boundaries, be an advocate for what
you deserve. If you think little of yourself, you are likely to be wary of
demanding a certain level of respect or privacy, for example. Set a
dialogue in your head saying you are good enough for the respect you
demand from others. It is not greedy of you to ask others to respect your
privacy or not ask about certain aspects of your life. Doing something that
will make you feel good and get serotonin levels rising will help boost
your confidence and expect the respect you give to others.

Recognize That Other People Have Boundaries

As crucial as your boundaries are to you, there needs to be mutual respect for the
limits set by other people about what they believe is best for them, even if they
don’t advocate for yours.
Recognizing the boundaries of someone close to you may be easy, such as a
spouse, sibling, or child. If your loved one doesn’t post pictures of themselves
online, chances are you shouldn’t either.
If you are unsure of someone’s boundaries, ask them questions like the
following:
● Do you mind if I post that photo of us?
● What time can I call you?
● Are you okay if I talk to you about…?
Boundaries are critical for your emotional well-being and that of your inner
child. When you are protecting yourself, you are also protecting them. These
lines look different to everyone. Just as you wouldn’t be comfortable with
someone pushing your limits, you should respect others.
Limits are a healthy way to ensure you are not put into an awkward situation and
are surrounding yourself with positive and uplifting scenarios and people.
Nothing is ironclad, but changing your boundaries too frequently can result in
none.

Knowing When Boundaries Need to Be Set

Being able to separate your feelings from another person’s is what is meant by
keeping boundaries. People have their own memories, thoughts, and experiences
that can be overshared and blurred with another person’s own life. Implementing
boundaries helps keep that space healthy and just for you.
It is fairly easy to determine when your physical limits are infringed upon, but
psychological and emotional boundaries are more difficult to determine when a
line is crossed. You are going to have to trust your own feelings and intuition
when it comes to where the line is drawn for those boundaries.

Recovering From Abandonment Issues

Those who suffer from abandonment issues are afraid of being left behind or
abandoned by those they love. People are usually not preoccupied with the
thought of their friends and family leaving them, but someone who has
experienced this in the past, particularly in childhood, is more susceptible to
these types of concerns.
You know that many things can cause abandonment issues and what that looks
like, but it’s time to heal from your traumatic past and begin a better future
alongside your newest friend: your inner child.
Examples of how someone with abandonment issues might act are below:
● They are clingy in a relationship.
● They are overly eager to please everyone.
● They have difficulty trusting anyone.
Some ways for you to acknowledge your abandonment issues while preventing
them from controlling your outlook on your life and disposition include the
following:
 ● Express your emotions: Your inner child’s voice needs to be heard now.
Talk openly in therapy, to a friend, or even to those who hurt or abandoned
you if they will listen.
When you express your emotions, they are easier to process and move
past. Once you have voiced what you must, you can close the door on that
part of your life and move forward.
● Recognize irrational fears: The fear of losing those close to you is
something you are allowing to come between you and healthy
relationships. Recognizing that you are not going to lose your loved ones
will help you to catch these irrational thoughts and stop them from
spiraling into a stream of relentless contemplation.
● Repair internalized shame: When a child does not receive adequate love
growing up, they experience internalized shame, which represents feelings
of self-hatred, self-loathing, and self-disgust. These are intense feelings
and thoughts of there being something wrong within.
Internalized shame can present in various forms or negative self-talk, such as
● feeling you can’t do anything right
● hating yourself
● repeatedly apologizing
● feeling you are a burden
● feeling guilty
● self-harming (drinking excessively, reckless driving, cutting)
● being critical of how you look
● feeling self-hatred or disgust
● feeling unworthy of love
● consistently feeling of embarrassed for yourself
● thinking about death
These feelings, in addition to feelings of inadequacy, seep into your core and
construct your identity, denying you the experience of exploring life fully.
Healing the shame you feel requires you to work on your inner core and find
yourself.
You need to reinvent yourself, so to speak, and realize that you are whole and
loved. You are not the shell of a child the adults in your life made you believe
you were. You need to remind yourself of all you have and reset confidence
within your core.

Build a Better Support Network

For any recovery, whether emotional, mental, or physical, a good support system
is essential. Having a strong support network includes friends and family, but the
roots of ensuring your mental health are optimal. You need a network that allows
you to cover all aspects of your recovery journey.
Some people may struggle to build a support network, especially if they are new
to an area, have few family and friends, or are reserved in what they share.
Recovery is an intimate and personal journey of empowerment and discovery,
and your hopes and goals differ from everyone else. Many factors will contribute
to how you overcome your painful past and reacquaint yourself with the world
as a newly healed individual, but you may not want to try it alone.
A support system, built with people you trust, is going to help you through the
times that see you relapsing on your journey. Family, friends, members of your
faith, neighbors, coworkers, and support groups may help in different ways to
help you build a stronger sense of self.
A support network can promote a stronger sense of security and have a positive
influence on your mental health overall. If you are battling your past or trying to
move onward with a new outlook, it will not do you any good to dwell.

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

Setting boundaries is top priority in your relationships to maintain a healthy
balance of respect on both sides. Understanding which boundaries you have
particular trouble with and working on more strictly reinforcing them is key to
healthy relationships.
1. Which boundaries do you find most difficult to uphold?

2. Do you find it challenging to set boundaries with specific people? Who are
they?

3. What do you find most angering or frustrating about this person or persons?

4. Why do you find it so challenging to set boundaries with them?

5. What can be the first boundary to set with them?

 Chapter 9
Self-Care
for the Inner Child
O
n this path to self-discovery, you have found and healed your inner
child. There may still be times when you need to remind your younger
self that things are going to be okay, but there are brighter days ahead,
full of laughter and a new beginning.
It is always okay—and necessary—to keep your inner child alive and to
acknowledge what they have gone through to bring you to the place you are
now. But with the recognition of the pain, you need to celebrate the light
moments you experienced in your childhood as well.
Keeping your inner child close to you is a way to appreciate the steps you’ve
taken to bring you into adulthood. You are both responsible for the person you
are today, and without one, there would not be the other. It is the most important
connection you can have with anyone.
Maintaining a happy relationship with your inner child is ongoing. Celebrating
the fun moments in life are what will allow you to maintain a strong mindset
moving forward. Below are some tips to maintain a healthy relationship with
your younger self and create a healthier outlook on life:
● Be proud of your accomplishments: Once you have completed a task, let
yourself know you’ve done a good job. Acknowledge when you have
made a good effort, even if not everything turned out perfectly. Your inner
child needs to hear that they have done well and that today was a good
day. Positive reinforcement encourages people to do well and to try again
in the face of adversity. If you were too afraid, let your inner child know
that they were brave for trying and that you will work with them tomorrow
to get it done.
● Let yourself know you are loved by yourself: Love is a universal need,
especially self-love. It feels amazing to know that someone loves you, but
there is no greater satisfaction than feeling love within yourself. Even if
you don’t feel you deserve love, say it over to yourself until you believe it.
You will be more open to the love of others once you accept your own.
● Appreciate yourself: Once you learn to appreciate yourself and
acknowledge the work you have done to heal your mental state, provide
food for yourself and your family, and work at the job you do, you will be
more open to accepting the appreciation of others. If you don’t see the
 value in yourself, chances are, you won’t expect others to appreciate you
either.
● Acknowledge your worth: You are an important part of the lives of many
for what you do and for the bravery you have shown in carrying on in the
face of adversity. Remind yourself you are worth all the kindness that
comes your way.

Daily Affirmations for Your Inner Child

You have done the work to let your inner child know they are safe, protected,
loved, whole, and wanted, and you have let them know you will not abandon or
neglect them. You will need to continue to let them know that they are going to
be seen and heard by you. These daily affirmations can help:
● “The pain of my childhood was real.”
● “My feelings are valid.”
● “I am worthy of love.”
● “My younger self was not at fault.”
● “Reparenting myself is helpful.”
● “I deserve love.”
● “It’s okay to show emotions.”
● “I am safe.”
● “The voice of my inner child is valid.”
● “I deserve respect.”
● “I am worthy of my love and the love of others.”
● “My self-worth is strong.”
● “Expressing joy is the greatest gift to my inner child.”
● “My inner child is free to laugh.”
● “I love my inner child.”
● “I am proud of who I was and who I am.”
 ● “My inner child is happy.”
● “I will no longer carry shame.”
● “Today I will embrace only positive actions.”
● “I trust myself.”
● “I love who I have become.”
● “I am whole.
● “The past should not be dwelled upon.”
● “I will live each day in the present.”
● “I am unstoppable.”

Reinforce Boundaries
Boundaries will help you feel secure and give you a feeling of mutual respect in
a relationship. Setting limits on what makes you feel comfortable should not be
taken as a sign of aggression or demand, but rather something that allows all
involved to move forward with a mutual understanding of how the other person
feels and what they will tolerate. You may not want to discuss certain topics or
people with others, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find other commonalities.
Setting boundaries within a relationship will offer a sense of respect and safety
for you and those you choose to or need to spend time with.
Here are some ways to reinforce boundaries:
● Say “no”: It’s more than okay to tell someone you don’t want to do
something for them or with them. Prioritizing your mental health and well-
being will not ruin a relationship that is worth having. It will, however,
help you feel happier and give you a sense of self-worth. You should not
feel you need to do everything others ask of you to maintain a relationship
with them. If this is the case, those in question need to be reevaluated, not
you.
● Set limits: Allow yourself to ask for what you need physically, mentally,
and emotionally so that you can set limits and communicate more
effectively with others. You will not be able to effectively set limits for
 others if you don’t completely understand them yourself. Draw a boundary
for what you are willing to do, discuss and accept in general, and enforce
that limit for yourself and others.
● Be direct: Set your boundaries clearly and concisely. Just because you are
certain of your boundaries, does not mean you have to say so in an
abrasive manner, nor should you feel guilty for expressing those
boundaries. Let your friend, family member, coworker, partner, children,
and others that are a part of your life know about your boundaries and then
stick to them. If you let people slide the scale of your comfort level toward
their needs or wants, your limits will always be challenged. Be stern.
Establishing these boundaries and reinforcing them will let others know
what you expect from them and what they can expect from you in return.
Reinforcing boundaries will ensure
○ there is no oversharing of personal information.
○ that you are aware of what you need and how to communicate it.
○ you value your own opinions
○ you will respect others when they set limits or say “no.”
Setting and maintaining personal and professional boundaries is important, but
the same rules don’t need to apply to everyone in your life. You may set different
boundaries for coworkers than you do for a spouse.

Teachings From Your Inner Child

Children are born helpless, completely reliant on those who chose to bring them
into the world. There is an inherent trust from a child that they will be taken care
of and made to feel whole, loved, and safe. When parents fail to provide these
essential components of life, it results in a wounded inner child who grows to be
a traumatized adult who struggles to perform to their potential in life.
Healing your inner child is going to help you move forward with a greater sense
of who you are and who your younger self should have been. Through
reparenting your wounded inner child, you will hopefully come to repair some of
the habits you have attained due to feeling inadequate and neglected.
Below are some ways to acknowledge and repair the signs that suggest you may
be harboring a wounded inner child and turn them around:
● You no longer feel inadequate; you know you are enough.
● Pleasing people all the time isn’t possible or necessary.
● You once felt you needed conflict to feel alive, but you now know that
harmony is a more productive and validating trait.
● Once a hoarder afraid of letting go of the past, you now know possessions
do not replace emotions.
● Before, you struggled to keep relationships that were failing, but you now
acknowledge that it’s better to let some things go.
● You may still feel anxiety with new situations or people; however, you
now acknowledge those feelings and go into a new situation with a
positive attitude.
● You no longer feel guilt for setting boundaries; you now know that you
deserve to protect yourself.
● No longer an overachiever, you now do what you can and make attainable
and clear goals for yourself to complete in steps.
● Once a perfectionist, you know mistakes are to be learned from and
incorporated into our life experiences.
● You had difficulty beginning and completing tasks, but now you set goals
to complete them each day and follow through.
● Once, you were self-critical, but you now accept your flaws and move
onward to be a better person.
● You used to avoid conflict, but you now stand up for yourself in a calm
manner and don’t back down.
● You had a fear of abandonment, but you have recognized this is an
irrational fear and know that you are loved.
● Before, you were ashamed to express your feelings. You now know your
feelings are valid and you should embrace them in appropriate settings and
acknowledge them without pushing them down inside.
 ● You no longer body shame; you acknowledge that what makes you unique
is beautiful.
● You distrusted everyone, but you now know not everyone is going to let
you down.
Your inner child was compelling in shaping your emotions, beliefs, fears,
emotions, and general conditioned thinking into your adult years. You cannot go
back and rewrite your childhood, but you can move forward with a new respect
for the bravery and strength of your inner child and honor them by rising above
the wounds that you suffered and making you and your younger self whole.
Repairing your mental health and maintaining it will allow you to have more
positive experiences with your attachment to others and within yourself. You
need to feel heard and know that someone understands you so that you find a
more positive way to evaluate the history and progression of your life story.
Nurturing your inner child and finding a positive outlook on your own life and
how to negotiate relationships will help you move beyond the struggle you once
felt.
Using calming techniques, confronting the way you see others, recognizing daily
triggers, reclaiming your past, journaling, and other tools you have learned will
allow you to compartmentalize your life into the two parts you now know:
wounded inner child and strong adult. Your goal should be to acknowledge your
inner child with compassion and move onward with the strength you have
wielded throughout your life.
Acknowledge the sacrifices your inner child has made in exchange for simply
getting by. They have taken responsibility for things they should not have,
withheld feelings they should have been encouraged to share, and imagined trust
rather than experiencing it. Now is the time to thank your inner child for their
sacrifices, let them know you will always be there for them, and walk toward a
more positive and well-deserved future for your adult self.
Conclusion
Y
our wounded inner child does not have to continue causing you pain.
Even though the same body connects you, time distances you, and in
that time, you have grown, healed, and conquered life without the
proper send-off. You are someone to be proud of.
Utilizing new tools to help you grow from your past and create a more powerful
sense of yourself will allow you to move beyond the pain, neglect, or loneliness
you felt growing up. You can hold onto the lessons you have learned without
allowing the pain of the past to linger.
The first step toward acknowledging your inner child and allowing them to
speak is the initiation toward a better understanding of why you are the person
you’ve become and how you can manifest a more complete sense of self. You
are not expected to forget the pain you came from, but rather learn to move on
without keeping it close to your chest and feeding off that pain and anger when
new situations or relationships arise.
Stepping into your inner child and playing games you used to love, running
barefoot on the grass, puddle jumping, or doing whatever your younger self
loved, is good for the soul and keeps you young. Along with the nostalgia comes
the need to reach your inner child’s heart and let them know you’ve always got
them.
Without repressing your memories of a difficult past, but mending your wounded
inner child, you are creating a whole version of yourself, warts and all, to be
loved and who is worthy of celebrating. Nurture your inner child, and remember
that you are reparenting them not to dwell on the past, but to feel safe and
confident moving forward.
You were strong enough to make it through your childhood with a good heart
and determination to become whole; that’s why you read this book. Go toward
the future knowing you are good enough, you are strong enough, and you are
worthy of the space you fill on this Earth with your unique perspective.
There is no portal in time that closes the opportunity for you to heal your past.
Nurturing your inner child, acknowledging them, and validating their needs, will
allow you to learn to express your emotions in a productive and healthy way
while simultaneously learning to love the unique gift that you are.
 Thank You

Thank you so much for purchasing my book.

You could have picked from dozens of other books, but you chose this one.
THANK YOU for getting this book and for completing it.
Could you do me a favor before you go? Do you want to help support
independent authors like me? Post a review on the platform! It's the easiest
and best way to help us. Your feedback will help me to keep writing the kinds
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