excerpts from:

THE STINKY CHEESE MAN

and Other Fairly Silly Tales

by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith

Characters:

Narrator 1 Ducky Lucky Wolf

Narrator 2 Goosey Loosey Old Lady
Narrator 3 Cocky Locky Old Man
Narrator 4 Foxy Loxy Cow
Narrator 5 Queen Kid 1
Hen Princess 1 Kid 2
Jack Princess 2 Fox
Chicken Licken Red Stinky Cheese Man

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 1:
Hen Scene 5:
Jack Hen

Scene 2: Scene 6:
Narrator 1 Old Lady
Narrator 2 Old Man
Narrator 3 Stinky Cheese Man
Narrator 4
Chicken Licken Scene 7:
Ducky Lucky Narrator 1
Goosey Loosey Cow
Cocky Locky Stinky Cheese Man
Foxy Loxy
Scene 8:
Scene 3: Narrator 2
Narrator 5 Kid1
Narrator 6 Kid2
Queen Stinky Cheese Man
Princess 1
Princess 2 Scene 9:
Narrator 2
Scene 4: Narrator 3
Jack Narrator 4
Narrator 7 Fox
Red Stinky Cheese Man
Wolf
HEN: I have found a kernel of wheat. Now who will help me plant this wheat? Where is that lazy dog?
Where is that lazy cat? Where is that lazy mouse?

JACK: Wait a minute. Hold everything. You can’t tell your story now. The show hasn’t even started yet.

HEN: Who are you? Will you help me plant the wheat?

JACK: I’m Jack. I’m the narrator. And no, I can’t help you plant the wheat. I’m very busy trying to put a
show together. Now why don’t you just disappear for a few minutes. I’ll call when I need you.

HEN: But who will help me tell my story? Who will help me draw a picture of the wheat?

JACK: Listen, Hen – forget the wheat. Here comes the title!

ALL: THE STINKY CHEESE MAN AND OTHER FAIRLY SILLY TALES!

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MORGAN: A long time ago, people used to tell magical stories of wonder and enchantment. Those stories
were called Fairy Tales. Those stories are not in this show. These are Almost Fairy Tales. But not quite.

HAILEY: The stories in this show are Fairly Silly Stories. I mean, what else would you call a story like
“Goldilocks and the Three Elephants”? This girl walking through the woods smells peanut porridge
cooking. She decides to break into the elephants’ house, eat the porridge, sit in the chairs, and sleep in
the beds.

SAVANNAH: But when she gets in the house she can’t climb up on Baby Elephant’s chair because it’s too
big. She can’t climb up on Mama Elephant’s chair beause it’s much too big. And she can’t climb up on
Papa Elephant’s chair because it’s much, much too big. So she goes home. The End. And if you don’t
think that’s fairly silly, you should see “Little Red Running Shorts” or maybe “The Stinky Cheese Man”.

*********************************************************************************************************

DANIELLE: Once upon a time, Chicken Licken was standing around when a piece of something fell on her
head. She wasn’t the brightest thing on two legs, so she started running around in circles clucking,

CHICKEN: The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the President! Ducky Lucky! Ducky Lucky!
The sky is falling! The sky is falling! WE must tell the President!

DUCKY: Let’s go!

DUCKY & CHICKEN: Goosey Loosey! Goosey Loosey! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell
the President!

GOOSEY: Let’s go!

GOOSEY, DUCKY & CHICKEN: Cocky Locky! Cocky Locky! The sky is falling! The sky is falling1 We must
tell the President!

COCKY: Let’s go!

DANIELLE: So Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey and Cocky Locky ran off to catch a plane to
Washington. Just outside the airport they met Foxy Loxy.

CHICKEN/DUCKY/GOOSEY/COCKY: Foxy Loxy! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must tell the
President!

FOXY: Well, come with me. I know a shortcut to the airport.

DANIELLE: Foxy Loxy led Chicken Licken, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Loosey and Cocky Locky to his cave. He
didn’t eat them though, because Chicken Licken was right. The sky WAS falling!

*********************************************************************************************************

HAILEY: Once upon a time there was a Prince. And this Prince’s dad and mom (the King and Queen)
somehow got it into their royal heads that no Princess would be good enough for their boy unless she
could feel a pea through one hundred mattresses.

MORGAN: So it should come as no surprise that the Prince had a very hard time finding a Princess. Every
time he met a nice girl, his mom and dad would pile one hundred mattresses on top of a pea and then
invite her to sleep over. When the Princess came down for breakfast, the Queen would ask,

QUEEN: How did you sleep, dear?

Princess 1: Fine, thank you.

DANI: And the King would show her to the door.

HAILEY: This went on for three years. And of course nobody every felt the pea under one hundred
mattresses.

MORGAN: Then one day the Prince met the girl of his dreams. He decided he better do something about
it. That night, before the Princess went to bed, the Prince slipped his bowling ball under the one hundred
mattresses.

DANI: When the Princess came down for breakfast the next morning, the Queen asked,

QUEEN: How did you sleep, dear?

PRINCESS 2: This might sound odd, but I think you need another mattress. I felt like I was sleeping on a
lump as big as a bowling ball.

DANI: The king and queen were satisfied.

HAILEY: The Prince and Princess were married. And everyone lived happily…

MORGAN: …though maybe not completely honestly, ever after.

MORGAN/HAILEY/DANI: THE END

*********************************************************************************************************
JACK: Okay, I’ve got things running smoothly now. And this next story is even better than the other ones.
See, it’s about this girl who runs very fast and always wears red running shorts. That’s where her name
comes from, get it?

SAVANNAH: So anyway, this girl is running to her granny’s house when she meets a wolf. He tricks her
into taking the long way while he takes the shortcut. Now this is the good part because Red runs so fast
that she beats the wolf to granny’s house.

HAILEY: He knocks on the door. Red answers it. And guess what she says? ‘My what slow feet you have.’
And that’s it. The End.

MORGAN: Is that great or what? So sit back, relax and enjoy, “Little Red Running Shorts”. And now, like I
already said, “Little Red Running Shorts”.

RED: You just told the whole story. We’re not going to tell it again.

JACK: You can’t say that. You have to start with “Once Upon a Time”.

WOLF: No way. You blew it.

MORGAN: But you guys are next.

RED: Let’s go, Wolf.

WOLF: We’re outta here.

JACK: Wait. You can’t do this. Your story is supposed to be three minutes long. What do I do with the
three minutes?

*********************************************************************************************************

HEN: I planted the wheat. I watered the wheat. I harvested the wheat. Now do I get to tell my story?
Say, what’s going on here? Is this my time? Where is that lazy dog? Where is that lazy cat? Where is that
lazy mouse? How do they expect me to tell the whole story by myself? Where is that lazy Narrator?

*********************************************************************************************************

SAVANNAH: Once upon a time there was a little old woman and a little old man who lived together in a
little old house. They were lonely. So the little old lady decided to make a man out of stinky cheese. She
gave him a piece of bacon for a mouth and two olives for eyes and put him in the oven to cook. When she
opened the oven to see if he was done, the smell knocked her back.

OLD LADY: Phew! What’s that horrible smell?

STINKY: Run run run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Stinky Cheese Man.

OLD MAN: I’m not really very hungry.

OLD LADY: I’m not really all that lonely.

DANI: So they didn’t chase the Stinky Cheese man. The Stinky Cheese Man ran and ran until he met a
cow eating grass in a field.

COW: WOW! What’s that awful smell?

STINKY: I’ve run away from a little old lady and a little old man and I can run away from you too, I can.
Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the Stinky Cheese Man!

COW: I’ll bet you could give someone two or three stomachaches. I think I’ll just eat weeds.

*********************************************************************************************************

DANIELLE: So the cow didn’t chase the Stinky Cheese Man either. The Stinky Cheese Man ran and ran
until he met some kids playing outside school.

KID 1: Gross, what’s that nasty smell?

STINKY: I’ve run away from a little old lady, and a little old man, and a cow and I can run away from you
too, I can. Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the Stinky Cheese Man!

KID 2: If we catch him, our teacher will probably make us eat him. Let’s get out of here.

*********************************************************************************************************

DANIELLE: So the kids didn’t chase the Stinky Cheese Man either. By and by the Stinky Cheese Man came
to a river with no bridge.

STINKY: How will I ever cross this river? It’s too big to jump, and if I try to swim I’ll probably fall apart.

JACK: Just then, the sly fox (who shows up in a lot of stories like these) poked his head out of the bushes.

FOX: Why, just hop on my back and I’ll carry you across, Stinky Cheese Man.

STINKY: How do I know you won’t eat me?

FOX: Trust me.

HAILEY: So the Stinky Cheese Man hopped on the fox’s back. The fox swam to the middle of the river and
said,

FOX: OH, MAN! What is that funky smell?

MORGAN: The fox coughed, gagged and sneezed, and the Stinky Cheese Man flew off and into the river
where he fell apart. The End.

*********************************************************************************************************
HEN: I found the wheat. I planted the wheat. I grew the wheat. I harvested the wheat. I ground the
wheat. I made the dough. I baked the bread. And did anyone help me? Did anyone save space for MY
story? So now, who thinks they’re going to help me EAT the bread?

ALL: ME! Me! Can I have some? PLEASE? Etc.

JACK: And they all lived happily ever after. Well…maybe not the Hen.