Hilarious Jokes!: Ebay Desktop Software

Hilarious Jokes!
Ebay Desktop Software

One Liners
A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way"
says the barman "you are already out of your head".
What's the differene between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit, a dog !ust pants.
"id you hear about the prawn that went to a nightlub # he pulled a mussel.
A man wal$s into a surgery "dotor" he ries "I thin$ I'm shrin$ing" "I%m sorry, sir
there are no appointments at the moment" says the physiian "you will !ust have
to be a little patient"
&hieves made off with a toilet from polie station, polie say they have nothing to
go on
What do you get when you sing a ountry and western song ba$wards?
'our wife ba$, your house ba$ and your dog ba$.
Why did the orange stop?
Cause it ran out of !uie.
Whih ountry is the worst at (arao$e?
)ingapore
*aby polar bear as$s his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "'es son you are, why?"
"*eause I%m bloody free+ing"
What happened to the shortsighted irumiser?
,e got the sa$.
Where does )adaam ,ussein $eep his ds?
In a ra$.
What did the mummy ow say to the baby alf before it was live e-ported?
.eal meet again.
I used to wor$ with a bald headed gee+er who had tattoos of /abbits all over his
head. 0rom a distane they loo$ li$e hares.
1y mate has !ust opened a deliatessen in 2erusalem. ,e's alled it Cheeses of
Na+areth.
1y husband !oined the loal mehanis ourse. &hey sent him home beause he
wasn't in the right gear.
What's 3& short for?
Co+ he's only got little legs....boom boom
Whih mobile networ$ do 2edi%s use?
'odafone.
Where does a (ing $eep his armies?
4p his sleevies.
When is sheep in$?
When it%s in a pen.
Where would you find a du$ with no legs?
Where you left it.
What do you all a sheep that doesn't li$e Christmas?
*aaaa ,umbug5
&wo annibals were at a irus eating a lown. &he one turned to the other and
said, ""oes this taste funny to you?"
,ow do you all all the s6uirrels in the world?...."Calling all s6uirrels, alling all
s6uirrels"
A man wal$s into a psyhiatrist's offie wearing nothing but a pair of ling#film
underpants. As he sits down, the psyhiatrist says, "I an learly see you're nuts".
What do Arsenal and a three#pin plug have in ommon?
&hey are both useless in 3urope.
A plumber divoring his wife turns round and said it%s all over flo.
What do people in 'or$shire all ebay?
3baygum
"uring my driving lesson, I as$ed my instrutor, '"o I go left, right or straight
aross the roundabout?' ,e replied, 'No, you go around it.'
A "ysle-i man wal$s into a bra...
What do (ermit the 0rog and ,enry the 3ighth have in ommon? &hey both have
the same middle name.
&here are three types of people in this world # those who an ount and those who
an't.
What do you all someone who used to li$e trators?
An e-#trator fan.
1an wal$s in to a bar
7uh5
Why don't ats li$e shaving?
*eause 8 out of 9: prefer Whis$as.
I went out last night and dran$ eleven pints of yoghurt, when I wo$e up this
morning I was mullered.
What do you all a Chinese girl with a food mi-er on her head?
*lenda.
"id you hear about the ; sil$ worms that had a rae?
It all ended in a tie.
"id you $now, *enylin Cough mediine was invented by a /ussian dotor? ,is
named was Ivor Chesti$ov.
What $ind of $ey do you need to get into the !ungle?
A mon(3'.
What is a vampire%s favourite fruit?
Ne$#tarines.
Why ouldn't "raula%s wife get to sleep?
*eause of his offin.
I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.
Why do elephants have four feet?
&hey would loo$ daft with !ust < inhes.
A man wal$s in to a dotor's surgery, and tells the dotor that every time he lifts
his arm it hurts li$e hell and as$s the dotor what to do. &he dotor tells him not
to lift his arm.
What do you all a woman with = lasses of beer balaned on her head?
"*eertri$s"
A man wal$s into a pub with a lump of tarma under his arm. 'A pint please,
landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.
What's bla$ and white and eats li$e a horse?
A >ebra
What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, it !ust waved.
What do you all a pop star that has regular bowel movements?
"amon All# *ran
"id you hear about the onstipated aountant?
,e ouldn't budget.
,ave you heard ?oundstrether and 1ar$s and )pener%s are merging?
&hey're now alled )treth 1ar$s.
A blo$e goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pa$ your bags.' )he
replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you li$e,' he says, 'now sod off.'
1y last holiday was terrible, I flew with *A.
,e !ust $ept shouting @'ou ra+y 0ool, I aint getting on no plane5A
1y friend swallowed an e-trator fan, he%s 7( now but it too$ it out of him.
I bro$e my ne$ one, but to be fair I haven%t loo$ed ba$ sine
What%s green and smells li$e yellow paint?
Breen ?aint5
(no$ $no$?
CWho's there?D
/omeo
C/omeo who?D
/omeover to the other side of the la$e and I'll tell you5
,ow many ?o$emon does it ta$e to hange a light bulb?
9=E but you%ve got to ath them all5
&wo ows in a field. 7ne says to the other "I hear they're doing artifiial
insemination on us ows"
"/eally?"
"'ep, straight up # no bull5"
What%s orange and sounds li$e a ?arrot?
AnswerF A Carrot
Where is the best plae to hide a leaf?
AnswerF A &ree
Why did the 1ushroom go to the party?
AnswerF *eause he%s a fun#guy
What do you all a girl with tiles on her head?
/uth.
What green and runs around your garden?
A hedge
&wo overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.
''our round' said one, to whih the other replied,
''ou an tal$ you fat uGt5'
)tevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer as$ed about what it
was li$e to be blind. ,e answeredF
"it's not that bad, I mean, it ould be worse, I ould be bla$5"
Why have you alled your pet newt tiny?
*eause he's my newt.
What do you all an Australian who ma$es wooden toilets?
Hou Carpenter5
,ow do ra+y people go through the forest?
&hey ta$e the psyho path.
What do prisoners use to all eah other?
Cell phones.
Longer Jokes
Hittle &im was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the
fene. Interested in what the hee$y#faed youngster was up to he politely as$edF
"What are you up to there, &im?"
"1y goldfish died" replied &im tearfully without loo$ing up "and I've !ust buried
him".
&he neighbour frowned. "&hat's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
&im patted down the last piee of earth.
"Well", he replied, "that's beause it's inside your at."
A fireman omes home from wor$ one day and tells his wife "you $now, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station. *ell 7ne rings and we all put on our !a$ets.
*ell two rings and we all slide down the pole. *ell three rings and we're ready to
go on the engines. "&hat's super dear" says his old lady. "0rom now on" ontinues
the fire fighter "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say *ell one I
want you to strip na$ed. When I say *ell two I want you to !ump into bed. When I
say *ell three we are going to have se- all night." )o the ne-t night the fireman
omes home from wor$ and yells "*ell one" and his wife ta$es of all her lothes.
"*ell two" he shouts and she !umps into bed. "*ell three" he bar$s and they begin
to have se-.. *ut after !ust a ouple of minutes his wife yells "*ell four" "What%s
this bell four?" the husband as$s. "1ore hose" she replies "you're nowhere near
the fire5"
After months of ill heath, a man goes to his dotor for a full he$#up. &he dotor
brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. 'ou're
dying and you don't have muh time left'. &he man loo$s sho$ed. '7h that's
terrible5 ,ow long have I got?' '&en' replies the dotor. '&en?' the man as$s. '&en
what? 1onths? Wee$s? What on earth do you mean?' &he dotor loo$s at him
sadly. 'Nine... 3ight...'
A yuletide meal at an e-pensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts
sreaming. "1y son is ho$ing" she ries, ",e's swallowed the si-pene in the
Christmas pudding. ?lease anyone help5" Without spea$ing a man stands up at a
nearby table and wal$s over nonhalantly. )miling pleasantly he grips the boy by
the gonads and s6uee+es. &he boy oughs and out pops the oin. "&han$ you so
muh" beams the relieved mother, "are you a paramedi?" "No" replied the man "I
wor$ for the inland revenue".
)itting together on a train, travelling through the )wiss Alps, are a )outh Afrian,
an Australian Cboth blo$esD, a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
&he train goes into a tunnel I a few seonds later there's the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand
print on his hee$. No one spea$s.
&he old lady thin$sF "&hat Australian must have groped the blonde in the dar$,
and she slapped his hee$."
&he blonde thin$sF "&hat Australian must have tried to grope me in the dar$, but
missed and fondled the old lady. )he slapped his hee$"
&he Australian thin$sF "&hat )outh Afrian must have groped the blonde in the
dar$. )he tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
&he )outh Afrian thin$sF "I an't wait for another tunnel, so I an slap that
bloody Aussie again."
A guy bought a new 1eredes and was out on the J:9 for a nie evening drive. As
the needle !umped up to 9;= mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light
behind him.
Confident he ould outrun the polie ar, be began to drive faster. &he needle hit
9K:, 9J:, 9=: and finally 9<: with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
&he op ame up to him, too$ his liense without a word and e-amined it and the
ar. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel li$e more
paperwor$, and I did en!oy hasing you li$e that, so if you an give me an e-use
for your driving that I haven't heard before you an go."
"Hast wee$ my wife ran off with a op," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her ba$."
",ave a nie night," said the offier and went home.
7ld married ouple and the husband is rummaging under the bed where he finds
a ardboard bo- ontaining two eggs and five thousand pounds.
,e goes downstairs to the wife and says, "I've !ust found this bo- under the bed
with two eggs and five thousand pounds, what's going on?"
"Well" she says "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that bo-."
&he old man weighs the situation up and thin$s, "&wo eggs after =: years of
marriage, I an forgive her that"
"7.(." he says and what about the five thousand pounds?"
"Well" she says, " every time I had a do+en, I sold them5555"
7ld 1rs ,arris goes to the dotor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all
the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very unomfortable. In
fat, I've done it ;: times sine oming in'. &he do thin$s for a minute then gives
her a presription. ,e tells her 'try ta$ing these pills for a wee$ then ome ba$
and see me'. A wee$ later, 1rs ,arris marhes in, more embarrassed than ever.
'"otor, I don't $now what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever #
and now it stin$s too5' 'Calm down5' says the do. 'Now we've sorted out your
sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.
&he supervisor of a loal firm is startled when his seretary burst into his offie
and demands to file a omplaint of se-ual harassment against a man who wor$s
in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' as$s the boss. 'It's not what he
did, it's what he said5' the seretary shrie$s. ',e said that my hair smelt nie5' 'And
what's so wrong with him telling you that?' as$s the boss. ',e's a midget' huffs the
woman.
A seretary answers the phone in a busy offie "Nottingham ?arahute Club" she
says &here's a sharp inta$e of breath "3-use me" says a man on the other end of
the phone, obviously startled. "*ut don't you mean the Nottingham ?rostitute
lub?" "7h no sir" laughs the seretary "its definitely a parahute lub" ""amn5
Hast wee$ your salesman alled and signed me for ; !umps a wee$"
A man and his dog wal$ into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Hadies
and gentlemen' the man announes in a loud voie. 'I bet anyone here a pint of
lager that my dog an tal$'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to
the bet and is ama+ed when the dog perhes himself on the barstool and delivers
a fasinating speeh about the situation in Ireland. &he barman says 'that's
ama+ing5 *ut I bet you another pint that your pooh an't go and get you a
newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a risp fiver and
says 'I want the hange as well'. &he dog nods and runs out the pub. ,e doesn't
return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley #
shagging a loal bith. '7i5' yells the man. ''ou%ve never done this before5' to whih
the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.
A rih man is away on business and phones home. &he maid answers and he as$s
if he an spea$ to his wife. ')he's upstairs shagging her lover' the undiplomati
home#help replies. '/ight' the man says. '&a$e out my shotgun and shoot them
both'. &he maid leaves, the mean hears two loud shots and she returns. 'What
shall I do with the bodies?' she as$s. &he man replies 'ta$e them out the ba$ and
dump them in the swimming pool'. 'What swimming pool?' as$s the maid. '&hat is
LJ8 8<8L, isn't it?' the man as$s.
)leeping beauty, &om &humb and Muasimodo were all tal$ing one day. )leeping
*eauty said "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world" &om
&humb said "I must be the smallest person in the world" Muasimodo said "I
absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world" &hey deided to go to the
Buinness *oo$ of /eords to have their laims verified. )leeping *eauty went first
and ame out loo$ing deliriously happy. "Its offiial I am the most beautiful girl in
the world" &om &humb went ne-t and emerged triumphant "I am offiially the
smallest person in the world" )ometime later Muasimodo ame out loo$ing
onfused and simply stated "Who the hell is Camilla ?ar$er *owles?"
1ahatma Bandhi, as you $now, wal$ed barefoot most of the time that produed
an impressive set of alluses on his feet. ,e also ate very little whih made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. &his made
him...what? C7h, rumbs, this is so bad, it's goodD A super allused fragile mysti
he-ed by halitosis.
A man is strolling past a lunati asylum when he hears a loud hanting. "&hirteen,
thirteen thirteen5" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. &he
man's uriosity gets the better of him and he searhes for a hole in the seurity
fene. It's not long before he finds a small ra$, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone !abs him in the eye. As he reels ba$ in agony the hanting
ontinues "fourteen5 0ourteen5 0ourteen5"
7ld 1rs ,arris goes to the dotor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all
the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very unomfortable. In
fat, I've done it ;: times sine oming in'. &he do thin$s for a minute then gives
her a presription. ,e tells her 'try ta$ing these pills for a wee$ then ome ba$
and see me'. A wee$ later, 1rs ,arris marhes in, more embarrassed than ever.
'"otor, I don't $now what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever #
and now it stin$s too5' 'Calm down5' says the do. 'Now we've sorted out your
sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.
; dwarfs win the lottery and so hire ; prostitutes and ; hotel rooms. "warf 9 tries
all night to get an eretion all he an hear from the ne-t room is 'one ,two, three,
huh5' this ontinues all night. &he ne-t morning, "warf ; as$s, 'so how did it go?'
"warf 9 replies 'it was rap, I ouldn't even get an eretion. ,ow was your night?'
to whih "warf ; replies 'worse # I ouldn't even get on the bed'.
A mother was wor$ing in the $ithen, listening to her five#year#old son playing
with his new eletri train in the living room.
)he heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off,
get the hell off now, ause this is the last stop5 And all of you bastards who are
getting on, get your arse in the train, ause we're going down the tra$s".
&he horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that $ind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for &W7 ,74/). When you ome out, you may play with your train, but I
want you to use nie language."
&wo hours later, the son ame out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his
train. )oon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers
who are disembar$ing the train, please remember to ta$e all of your belongings
with you. We than$ you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one."
)he hears the little boy ontinue, "0or those of you !ust boarding, we as$ you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. /emember, there is no smo$ing on
the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and rela-ing !ourney with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the hild added, "0or those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the GGt in the $ithen."
A man wal$s into &oys#/#4s and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show me
your *arbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. ',ere, we have 0ashion *arbie
at N9=.8=, .aation *arbie, also N9=.8=, ,ousewife *arbie # that's N9=.8= too # and
"ivoree *arbie, at N;9=.8=.' &he man is astonished. 'Why's "ivoree *arbie so
muh?' he as$s. ')he loo$s the same as the others to me.' 'Well, sir,' says the
assistant, 'that's beause "ivoree *arbie omes omplete with (en's ar, (en's
house, (en's furniture, (en's dog...'
"&hat's the best pig I've ever had. 1y son fell into the river and this pig dived in
and dragged him out by his teeth saving his life."
"I see" says the man "but that doesn%t e-plain why the pig only has three legs."
&he farmer replies "&he other night there was a fire in the farm house, that pig
ran over ; miles to the fire station and brought ba$ help, saved my house did
that pig."
"&hat still doesn't e-plain why the pig is missing a leg" said the man.
"Well" said the farmer "If you had a pig that was so brilliant would you eat it all at
one?"
&he other day I went to get a ti$et for the Channel &unnel.
I as$ed the attendant "Could I have a ti$et for the hannel tunnel?"
,e replied "3urostar?"
I said, ",eh, I've been on the telly, but I'm no "ean 1artin5"
&here's an 3nglishman, an Irishman and a )otsman. &he Irishman has invited the
other two to his house in Ireland for a proper boys wee$end.
&he first night that the 3nglishman and )otsman are in Ireland the Irishman
ta$es them for a drin$ in his loal. 2ust as they have started their third pint a little
Heprehaun omes and sits ne-t to them, he starts tal$ing to them and they
beome 6uite fond of the little guy. 2ust as the barman alls for last orders the
leprehaun invites the three men ba$ to his house where he has something magi
that ould hange their lives that he would li$e to show them. &he three men
deide that this would be a good thing to go and see.
&hey arrive at the leprehaun%s house and enter through a tiny doorway. As soon
as they are in the hall they see this enormous slide, and the leprehaun tells them
that this is what he wanted to show them. ,e informs the three men that they
should slide down the slide and on their desent as$ for whatever they want in
life.
&he 3nglishman goes first and on the way down he ries out for gold and he lands
in a pile of it.
&he )otsman is to go seond and he as$s for silver and he lands in a huge pile of
it.
&he Irishman feeling very e-ited at the prospet of having whatever he wants
forgets himself and on his desent he ries weeeeee.
&hree piees of string standing outside a pub. 7ne goes in and as$s for a pint, the
barman says, 'Are you a piee of string?' the little guy says, ''es, I am' and the
barman replies, 'Bet out, I already told you you're barred.' )o he does and tells his
mates, so the seond one tries his lu$ but gets the same response so the third
one says tie me in a $not and fray my ends. ,e wal$s into the pub and the barman
immediately says, 'Are you a piee of string?' he 6ui$ly replies, 'Nope, I'm a
frayed $not.
After finally negotiating a professional ontrat, a stri$er arrives for his first
math at his new ?remiership lub. 'I'll tell you what,' says the oah. 'As it's your
first game, you an play for J= minutes then I'll pull you off at half#time.' '&hat's
not bad,' the lad replies. 'I only got and orange at my old plae.'
A little $id wal$s into a ity bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
'If my dad was a bull and my mom a ow I'd be a little bull.'
&he driver starts getting mad at the noisy $id, who ontinues with, 'If my dad was
an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'
&he $id goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at
the $id, 'What if your dad was an idiot and your mother was a silly ow?5'
&he $id smiles and says, 'I would be a bus driver5'
A blo$e is driving happily along in his ar with his girlfriend when he's pulled
over by the ?olie.
&he polie offier approahes him and as$s, ",ave you been drin$ing )ir?"
"Why?" as$s the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the 7ffier. "'ou were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in
the passenger seat that made me suspiious."
A man visits his loal inema. &hroughout the film, he noties that a young hap
in front has brought his dog along# and what's more the hound is laughing and
rying at all the relevant plaes. &he film finishes and, gripped by uriosity, the
man wanders over to the pair. "I ouldn't help but notie" he says to the hap "but
your dog laughed at all the funny bits and ried at all the sad bits.... its ama+ing5 I
!ust an%t believe it5" "I an%t believe it either,A replies the man "he hated the boo$"
A blo$e goes into a pub in "ublin and orders K pints of Buinness, and drin$s a sip
off eah glass. &he barman tells him, that his method of drin$ing doesn't give him
the best results, and as$s why he drin$s this way. &he man says, 'me and my
brothers used to ome here and have a pint, but now one of 'em's in New 'or$,
the other's in )ydney, so I buy K pints, and drin$ a sip of eah, thin$ing of them'.
&he ne-t day, the same blo$e ame into the pub and ordered ; pintsO the
onerned barman as$ed if his two brothers were 7(. '7h yeah, their fine', he
said,' I !ust thought I'd 6uit drin$ing'
I went to the dotors the other day and told him I $eep having these bad dreams
that there's 9::'s of na$ed beautiful women running towards me and I $eep
pushing them away all the time I push them away, so the dotor said what do you
want me to do, so I said brea$ my arms.
A woman is on a plane and the plane is about to rash. "I'm a virgin", she ries,
"someone ma$e me feel li$e a woman5"
)o the man in front ta$es off all his lothes, leans over to the woman, and says...
",ere. Iron these."
A guy from the gas board phones a house. A little boy answers.
*oyF # hello.
Bas manF # ,ello an I spea$ to your mother or father please?
*oyF # No, they're busy.
Bas manF # 7(. "o you have any brothers or sisters?
*oyF # yes, two older brothers.
Bas manF # an I spea$ to one of them then please?
*oyF # No, they're busy.
Bas manF # Is there anyone else in the house?
*oyF # 'es, there's a polieman.
Bas manF # an I spea$ to him then please?
*oyF # No he is busy as well.
Bas manF # )o what are they all doing?
*oyF # Hoo$ing for me.
A man was sprawled aross three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher ame
by and notied this, he whispered to the man, ")orry sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."
&he man groaned but didn't budge. &he usher beame impatient.
")ir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to all the
manager."
Again, the man !ust groaned, whih infuriated the usher who turned and marhed
bris$ly ba$ up the aisle in searh of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. &ogether the two of
them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no suess. 0inally, they summoned
the polie. &he polieman surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, sir. What's your name?"
")am," the man moaned.
Where are you from, )am?" the polieman as$ed.
"&he balony".
An 3s$imo is out for a drive one day when his ar brea$s down and he is fored to
all out the Alas$an AA. &he 3s$imo stands in the howling wind and waits for the
mehani to arrive. When the mehani reahes the bro$en ar he sets to wor$,
loo$ing under the bonnet until he appears to have loated the problem. ,e loo$s
up at the 3s$imo and says, "you've blown a seal mate" &o whih the 3s$imo
hastily replies "No I haven', that's !ust frost on my moustahe"
A man and his dog wal$ into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Hadies
and gentlemen' the man announes in a loud voie. 'I bet anyone here a pint of
lager that my dog an tal$'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to
the bet and is ama+ed when the dog perhes himself on the barstool and delivers
a fasinating speeh about the situation in Ireland. &he barman says 'that's
ama+ing5 *ut I bet you another pint that your pooh an't go and get you a
newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a risp fiver and
says 'I want the hange as well'. &he dog nods and runs out the pub. ,e doesn't
return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley #
shagging a loal bith. '7i5' yells the man. ''ou%ve never done this before5' to whih
the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.
)iamese twins go to the same hotel in 0rane every year for twenty years. &he
hotel owner, who li$ed the business, but was pu++led as$ed # why do you $eep
oming ba$ to 0rane year after year?
7ne of the twins answered # its the only time my brother gets to drive
0ollowing a nasty ar aident, a mans wife slips into a oma. After spending
wee$s at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's ama+ing"
says the dotor breathlessly "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses notied
she responded to her breasts being touhed" &he husband is very e-ited and
as$s what he an do "Well" says the do "If one erogenous +one provo$es a
response, perhaps the others will too" so the husband goes alone into the room
where he slips his hand under the overs and begins to massage her bits.
Ama+ingly the woman begins to move and even moan a little. &he man tells the
dotor waiting outside. "3-ellent" he says "if she responded li$e that to your
finger, I thin$ you should try oral se-" Nodding, the husband returns to the room#
but within minutes the heart monitor alarm goes off and the medis pile into the
room. "What happened?" shouts the dotor as he he$s the woman%s pulse. "I%m
not sure,A replies the man, loo$ing sheepish......"I thin$ she ho$ed"
A lady wal$s into the $ithen where her husband is busy $illing flies with the
swatter "any lu$?" she as$s. "A bit" he replies, "I've $illed three males and two
females" Intrigued, she as$s how he ould possibly $now the se-. "3asy" he
responds, "three were on my beer an and the other two were on the phone"
A piee of bla$ tarma wal$s into a bar. ,e goes up to the bartender and says I'm
hard, man, I'm hard5 &he bartender says, 7(, you're hard.
Ne-t day, the bla$ tarma wal$s into the bar again, goes up to the bartender and
says, I'm hard, man, I'm hard. *artender says, 7$, you're hard.
Ne-t day, the bla$ tarma is at the bar again when in wal$s a piee of red tarma.
)uddenly the bla$ tarma disappears. &he bartender finds him in the alley out
ba$, hiding behind a bind and sha$ing. &he bartender says to him # I thought you
were hard, how ome you're afraid of a bit of red tarma? &he bla$ tarma says, I
am hard man, but he's a bloody ylepath5
After a brief se- free relationship an elderly ouple finally deide to marry. *efore
the wedding they have a long onversation about how things might hange in
married life, disussing finanes and living arrangements, before eventually the
old man en6uires about doing the wild thing. ",ow do you feel about se-" he as$s
rather hopefully. "Well" thin$s his partner "I'd have to say I li$e it infre6uently"
&he old man pauses "I see" he says. "2ust to larify was that one word or two?"
1an in ar stopped by polie.
?F )ir you were doing <:mph in a J:mph +one
1F No I wasn't
?F )ir I an assure you that you were. I aught you on my radar
1F No I was not
1an's wifeF 7ffier, don't argue with him, he's drun$ almost a bottle of whis$y
&hree women die together in an aident and go to heaven. When they get there,
)t. ?eter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the du$s."
)o they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are du$s all over the plae. It is
almost impossible not to step on a du$, and although they tried their best to
avoid them, the first woman aidentally steps on one.
Along omes )t. ?eter with the ugliest man she ever saw. )t.?eter hains them
together and says, "'our punishment for stepping on a du$ is to spend eternity
hained to this ugly man5"
&he ne-t day, the seond woman steps aidentally on a du$, and along omes
)t. ?eter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another e-tremely ugly man.
,e hains them together with the same reason as for the first woman.
&he third woman listens to all of this and not wanting to be hained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, .3/' areful where she steps.
)he manages to go months without stepping on any du$s, but one day )t. ?eter
omes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very
tall, tanned and musular.
)t. ?eter hains them together and leaves without saying a word. &he woman
remar$s, "I wonder what I did to deserve being hained to you for all of eternity?"
&he guy says, "I don't $now about you, but I stepped on a du$."
A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reeption
des$. )eeing that the only member of staff is tal$ing on the phone, she hammers
on the bell for servie. &he reeptionist slowly puts down the phone. ''es?' he
says warily. 'I'm in a frightful hurry, ould you he$ me out please?' &he ler$
stares at her for a seond and loo$s her up and down. 'Not bad' he smiles. 'Not
bad at all'.
A traffi polieman pulls over a ar on a lonely ba$ road and approahes the lady
driver. "1a%am, why were you weaving all over the road?"
"7h offier" the woman replies "&han$ goodness you're here5 I almost had a
terrible aident. )werving to avoid a tree I loo$ed up to see another tree right in
front of me, so I pulled the ar over to the right and there yet again was another
tree in front of me."
&he opper nods then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror.
"1a'am", he says patiently, "&hat's your air freshener."
A guy bought a new 1eredes and was out on the J:9 for a nie evening drive. As
the needle !umped up to 9;= mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light
behind him.
Confident he ould outrun the polie ar, be began to drive faster. &he needle hit
9K:, 9J:, 9=: and finally 9<: with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?"
he thought and pulled over.
&he op ame up to him, too$ his liense without a word and e-amined it and the
ar. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel li$e more
paperwor$, and I did en!oy hasing you li$e that, so if you an give me an e-use
for your driving that I haven't heard before you an go."
"Hast wee$ my wife ran off with a op," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her ba$."
",ave a nie night," said the offier and went home.
&here was one a very lonely man, who went home to his lonely house every
night, ate his meal for one &. dinner and went to bed, alone. 7ne day he deided
that he would buy a pet to $eep him ompany. )o along he went to his loal pet
shop. ,e desribed his sad lonely e-istene to the shop#$eeper who immediately
said "I've got the perfet pet for you5 ,e's a very speial pet, doesn't ta$e a lot of
loo$ing after and very friendly". "3-ellent, I'll ta$e it", said the man.
&he shop$eeper went out to the ba$ of the shop and ame ba$ with a very small
bo-, "Inside this is a tal$ing entipede", he said.
&he man was delighted and intriguedO he paid for the entipede and too$ the little
reature home.
Hater that evening, he set the entipede on the $ithen table and said, ",i there
matey, I'm off to the pub for a pint, do you fany !oining me?A there was no
answer from the entipede. )till the man put it down to the entipede being in a
new environment, "best let him get used to his new home" the man thought.
&he ne-t day the man set the entipede on the table and as$ed him again if he
would li$e to aompany him to the pub # still no answer. )till alimatising
thought the man.
&he following day, the man tried again, thin$ing that if he still got no answer from
the so#alled "tal$ing" entipede he'd ta$e him ba$ to the shop. )o he put the
entipede on the table and said, "hey there, I'm off to the pub, do you fany
oming with me?" &o whih the entipede replied, "I heard you the first time I was
!ust putting my shoes on5"
&wo vampire bats, *oris and 0red, wa$e after a days sleep, really hungry. &hey
both fly off into the night to searh for food.
0red searhes everywhere for food and annot find a thing, not even a
mouse.....after a ouple of hours he is really, really hungry.
,e bumps into *oris whose mouth is dripping with blood. "It is so unfair", said
0red "I want to $now how to do that555".... )o *oris says, "ome on the I will show
you55A
&hey both fly off over a graveyard, then a field and then they were soon flying
over a forest.
*oris says " see that huge tree down there in the middle of the forest?"
"'es" says 0red...
"Well I didn't5555555" says *oris...
,opelessly lost, a businessman approahes a loal in a village. 'What's the
6ui$est way to 'or$?' he as$s. &he loal srathes his head. 'Are you wal$ing or
driving?' 'I'm driving' the man replies. ',mmm' ponders the loal. 'I'd say that's
definitely the 6ui$est way'.
&wo +ebras are tal$ing and one as$s the other, "Am I bla$ with white
stripes or white with bla$ stripes?" &he other replies, "Well I don't
$now. 'ou should pray to Bod about that and as$ him." )o that night he did
and Bod replied, "'ou are what you are." &he ne-t day he said to the other
+ebra, "I still don't understand what I am beause Bod !ust said, you are
what you are." &he seond +ebra responds, "'ou must be white with bla$
stripes or else Bod would have said, 'o is what yo is."
1an wal$s into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed
reading. 1an says, "&his is the pig I have se- with when you've got a headahe."
Wife replies, "I thin$ you'll find, that is a sheep."
1an replies, "I thin$ you'll find I was tal$ing to the sheep."
Nelson 1andela is sitting at home wathing the telly when he hears a $no$ at the
door. When he opens it, he is onfronted by a little 2apanese man, luthing a
lipboard and yelling,
"'ou sign, you sign5"
*ehind him is an enormous tru$ full of ar e-hausts.
Nelson is standing there in omplete ama+ement when the 2apanese man starts to
yell louder.
"'ou sign5 'ou sign5"
Nelson says to him, "Hoo$ mate, you've obviously got the wrong blo$e. Bet lost5"
and shuts the door in the 2apanese man's fae.
&he ne-t day he hears a $no$ at the door again. When he opens it, the little
2apanese man is ba$, with a huge tru$ full of bra$e pads. ,e thrusts his
lipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "'ou sign5 'ou sign5"
1r 1andela is getting a bit ha$ed off by now, so he shoves the little 2apanese
man ba$, shoutingF
"Hoo$, get lost55 'ou've got the wrong blo$e5 I don't want them5" then slams the
door in the 2apanese man's fae again.
&he following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a $no$ on
the door again. 4pon opening the door, the little 2apanese man thrusts the same
lipboard under his nose, shouting,
"'ou sign5 'ou sign5"
*ehind him are &W7 large tru$s full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper ompletely, pi$s the little man up by his shirtfront and
yells at him, "Hoo$, I don't want these5 "o you understand? 'ou must have the
wrong man5 Who do you want to give these to?"
&he little 2apanese man loo$s at him a bit pu++led, onsults his lipboard, And
saysF
"'ou not Nissan 1ain dealer?"
A blo$e wal$s into his dotor's offie and e-plains that he has a deliate problem,
"Hast wee$ I notied a small hole in the side of my o$. "idn't hurt or anything
and I thought nothing of it. Now, every morning I find more and more holes. It's
messy, embarrassing and I%m bloody worried about it"
&he "otor as$s him to plop it on the table so he an have a loo$. ,e s6uints at it,
loo$s at it from all angles and lifts it up with the end of his pen to e-amine all the
holes.
",mmm. 'es, I thin$ I an help you," he says and hands the blo$e a business ard,
"&his is a good friend of mine. Bive him a all and he'll be able to help."
/elieved, the man pops his o$ away and than$s the dotor "&han$ you. &han$
you. I was so worried. Is he a plasti surgeon?"
"Bood Bod no. ,e plays the flute. ,e%ll show you how to hold it when you go for a
piss."
CWor$s best if you do the Italian aent while reading the speehD
A man goes on holiday to a small Italian village. ,e wants to do a bit of a tour so
he hails a ab and gets in. &he driver introdues himself, "ey, my friend, my name
is Huigi, I will show#a you around my beautiful village"
&hey ome to a lovely stone hurh up on a hill. "3y, my friend, you see that#a
hurh up there? I build#a that hurh with my bare hands, do they all me Huigi
the stonemason? No5"
)oon they ome to an ornate wooden fronted house. "3y, my friend, you see that#a
house there? I arve#a that house with my bare hands, do they all me Huigi the
arpenter? No5"
)oon they ome ba$ to the village s6uare where there is huge fountain in the
middle. "3y, my friend, you see that#a fountain there? I made that made that
fountain with my bare handsO do they all me Huigi the sulptor? No5 *ut you fu$
one pig, !ust one pig....."
1anF ,i "o, I feel li$e shit, what's wrong with me?
)hort theatrial pause as the "otor e-amines e-amines poorly man.
"oF 7h my5
1anF?5
"oF Well, I'm sorry to brea$ this to you, but it appears you've got the lurgy5
1anF Whaa?5 I want a seond opinion5
"oF 7$ then, you're ugly as well.
Why did the mon$ey fall out of the tree?
'Cos, it was dead.
Why did the seond mon$ey fall out of the tree?
'os it was holding onto the first mon$eys tail
Why did the third mon$ey fall out of a tree?
'os he thought it was a game
Constrution wor$er on the =th floor of a building needed a handsaw. )o he spots
another wor$er on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he an't hear him.
)o the wor$er on the =th floor tries sign language.
,e pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his $nee meaning "need", then
moved his hand ba$ and forth in a hand saw motion. &he man on the ground
floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his hop and starts
masturbating.
&he wor$er on =th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and
says, "What the f u $ is your problem555 I said I needed a hand saw5".
&he other guy says, "I $new that5 I was !ust trying to tell you # I'm oming5"
7ne day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
)he opens it to a guy, ",i, is &ony home?"
&he wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you an wait here if you want."
)o they sit down and after a while of silene the friend says, "'ou $now )ara, you
have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bu$ !ust to see
one."
)ara thin$s about it for a seond and figures, what the hell # a hundred bu$s5 )he
opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seonds. ,e promptly than$s her
and throws a hundred bu$s on the table. &hey sit there a while longer and guy
then says, "&hat was so ama+ing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another
9:: dollars if I ould !ust see the both of them together."
)ara ama+ed by the offer sits and thin$s a bit about it and thin$s, he$, why not?
)o she opens her robe and gives Chris a nie long hane to op a loo$.
A while later &ony arrives ba$ home from the store. &he wife goes up to him,
"'ou $now, your friend Chris ame over."
&ony thin$s about it for a seond and says, "Well did he drop off the ;:: bu$s he
owes me?"
A $indergarten teaher one day is trying to e-plain to her lass the definition of
the word "definitely" to them. &o ma$e sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she as$s them to use it in a sentene. &he first
student raised his hand and said, "&he s$y is definitely blue". &he teaher said,
"Well, that isn't entirely orret, beause sometimes it's gray and loudy".
Another student says, "Brass is definitely green." &he teaher again replies, "If
grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really orret either."
Another student raises his hand and as$s the teaher ""o farts have lumps?" &he
teaher loo$ed at him and said "No...*ut that isn't really a 6uestion you want to
as$ in lass disussion." )o the student replies, "&hen I definitely s h I t my pants."
A little boy and his grandfather are ra$ing leaves in the yard. &he little boy sees
an earthworm trying to get ba$ into its hole. ,e says, "Brandpa, I bet I an put
that worm ba$ in that hole." &he grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you
an't. It's too wiggly and limp to put ba$ in that little hole."
&he little boy runs into the house and omes ba$ out with a an of hair spray. ,e
sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. &he boy then proeeds to
put the worm ba$ into the hole. &he grandfather hands the little boy five dollars,
grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
&hirty minutes later the grandfather omes ba$ out and hands the boy another
five dollars. &he little boy says, "Brandpa, you already gave me five dollars." &he
grandfather replies, "I $now. &hat's from your Brandma."
A man was at a lub and another man was playing a piano, the pianist was playing
a beautiful melody, when he finishes the man goes up to the pianist and saysF
"&hat was beautiful, what's it alled?"
&he pianist repliesF "I pulled down my pants and rapped on your stomah."
&he man says nothing and sits down to listen to him some more.
&he pianist plays another melody, whih really touhes him insideO when he
finishes he as$s him what that melody was alled.
&he pianist repliesF "I sat on your fae and made love to your legs."
Hater, the pianist is leaving the lub when the man athes up to him and as$s
him to play piano at a party he is organising that ta$es plae ne-t wee$, the
pianist agrees to do it.
"2ust one thing" the man says "Change the name of your songs, please."
And the man says he'll thin$ about.
&he ne-t wee$ the party is ta$ing plae the man organised, it's !ust started when
the pianist shows up.
&he man goes up to him and says "Breat, you're here, now, get on the piano and
start playing, we're waiting for you."
&he pianist repliesF "3rr, !ust one thing. I an't play unless I%ve masturbated."
"What5 GsighG, o$ay, go on, = minutes, do your business." )ays the man, after he
points the pianist to the toiletO
the pianist goes in the toilet.
= 1inutes later the man $no$s on the door and says.
"7i, you've been in there for = minutes, are you oming out now?"
&he pianist unlo$s the door and leaves the toilet.
,is hair is ruffled upO he has shit down his shirt and spun$ all over his !eans.
&he man saysF "2esus, you $now you've got shit down your shirt and spun$ all
over your !eans?"
&he pianist repliesF
"(now it, I fu$in' wrote it."
K builders are on top of a huge s$ysraper.
&he first man is 3nglish, the seond )ottish and the third Welsh. It%s their lunh
brea$ and they all disuss what their wives have prepared them for lunh.
&he 3nglish man opens his lunh bo- and tells the other ;,
"I hate !am sandwihes, and I swear if I have this again tomorrow I%ll !ump off5"
After a long pause the )ottish man opens his lunh bo-, surprised by what his
wife has given him he says,
"Nooo I%ve got marmite today, its terrible, tell u what if I have this again tomorrow
I%ll !ump off too"
&he Welshman opens his lunh bo- and disovers heese sandwihes, his least
favourite filling, not to feel left out he also agrees to the deal.
&he ne-t day arrives, and the 3nglish man opens his lunh bo-. ,e finds !am
sandwihes, he promptly runs off the building.
&he )ottish man then opens his lunh bo-, and again disovers marmite. ,e then
!umps off.
&he Welsh man then says to himself "I better not have heese, please not
heese...." he opens his lunh bo- and find the dreaded heese sandwihes. ,e
shrugs his shoulders and runs off the building.
At the funerals the wives begin to hat. ",e ould have told me he didn't li$e
those sandwihes".
"'eah, how were we supposed to $now."
&he Welshman%s wife then blurts out "I don't get it, he made his own sandwihes
for lunh5?5"
Blonde Jokes
A young brunette goes into the dotor's offie and says that her body hurts
wherever she touhes it.
"Impossible," says the dotor. ")how me."
)he ta$es her finger and pushes her elbow and sreams in agony. )he pushes her
$nee and sreams, pushes her an$le and sreams. 3verywhere she touhes ma$es
her sream.
&he dotor says, "'ou're not really a brunette, are you?"
)he says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "'ou have a bro$en finger."
A very attrative blonde lady boards a plane bound for Ameria and immediately
sits down in the business lass area. &he stewardess wal$s up to her and as$s he
if she an he$ her ti$et. &he blonde shows her the ti$et, whih is learly
mar$ed eonomy lass. &he stewardess informs the lady that she must move to
whih the blonde replies " I am blonde and beautiful so I an sit anywhere" &he
stewardess informs the senior steward of the situation who then goes to spea$ to
the blonde yet still the blonde replies "I am blonde and beautiful so I an sit
anywhere". &he steward does not $now what to do so goes to inform the aptain,
the o#pilot listening to the situation says "let me deal with it sir my girlfriend is
blonde" so off he goes. 3veryone wathes as the o pilot wal$s up to the lady and
whispers something inner ear, she then gets up and wal$s to the ba$ of the plane
and ta$es her seat in eonomy lass. &he aptain ama+ed at how easily the o
pilot has resolved the situation as$s the o pilot what he said. &he o pilot replies,
" It was 6uite easy really I !ust told her the front half of the plane doesn%t go to
Ameria..."
&wo blondes were going to "isneyland when they ame to a for$ in the road. &he
sign readF ""isneyland Heft."
)o they went home.
)itting together on a train, travelling through the )wiss Alps, are a )outh Afrian,
an Australian Cboth blo$esD, a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
&he train goes into a tunnel I a few seonds later there's the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand
print on his hee$. No one spea$s.
&he old lady thin$sF "&hat Australian must have groped the blonde in the dar$,
and she slapped his hee$."
&he blonde thin$sF "&hat Australian must have tried to grope me in the dar$, but
missed and fondled the old lady. )he slapped his hee$"
&he Australian thin$sF "&hat )outh Afrian must have groped the blonde in the
dar$. )he tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
&he )outh Afrian thin$sF "I an't wait for another tunnel, so I an slap that
bloody Aussie again."
&he supervisor of a loal firm is startled when his seretary burst into his offie
and demands to file a omplaint of se-ual harassment against a man who wor$s
in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' as$s the boss. 'It's not what he
did, it's what he said5' the seretary shrie$s. ',e said that my hair smelt nie5' 'And
what's so wrong with him telling you that?' as$s the boss. ',e's a midget' huffs the
woman.
A blonde alls her boyfriend as$ing for help with a !igsaw pu++le, the boyfriend
as$s her what its supposed to be.
&he girlfriend replies that aording to the bo- it%s supposed to be a tiger.
&he boyfriend goes over to help.
,e studies the piees for a moment, then loo$s at the bo-, then turns to her and
says, "0irst of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble
these piees into anything resembling a tiger. )eond, lets have a up of offee
and put all these 0rosties ba$ into the bo-".
A blonde enters a women%s' swimming ontest, and is told that they would using
the breaststro$e for the first round.
&he blonde omes in dead last and omplains to the !udgeF "&hat wasn't fair5 &hey
were all using their arms5"
GGGGGGGGGG
A blonde deided to ommit suiide by hanging herself from a tree in the par$.
A few days later, a man was wal$ing his dog and spotted her hanging from the
tree. ,e as$s the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"'ou're supposed to put the noose around your ne$, not your waist," said the
onloo$er. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I ouldn't breathe.
GGGGGGGGG
*iff gets a all from his blonde girlfriend, *uffy. "I've got a problem," says *uffy.
"What's the matter?" as$s *iff.
"Well, I've bought this !igsaw pu++le, but it's too hard. None of the piees fit
together and I an't find any edges."
"What's the piture of?" as$s *iff.
"It's of a big /ooster," replies *uffy.
"All right," says *iff, "I'll ome over and have a loo$."
)o he goes over to *uffy's house and *uffy greets him saying, "&han$s for oming
over."
*uffy leads *iff into her $ithen and shows him the !igsaw on the $ithen table.
*iff loo$s at the !igsaw and then turns to *uffy and says, "0or ?ete's sa$e # put the
Cornfla$es ba$ in the *o-."
GGGGGGGGGG
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro as$ed her to
&a$e a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
&he blonde did so and ompletely duffed the shot.
&he pro said, "'our swing is good but you're gripping the lub too
,ard. Brip the lub gently as you would your husband's penis.A
&he blonde too$ another shot and nailed the ball ;E= yards
)traight down the fairway.
&he pro said, "&hat was e-ellent55 Het's try it again, only this
&ime ta$e the lub out of your mouth."
MF Why are dumb blonde !o$es so short?
AF )o brunettes an remember them.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
AF 'ou pi$ it up pull the pin I throw it ba$.
MF What happened to the blonde tap daner?
AF )he slipped off and fell down the drain.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF ,ow an you tell if a blonde has been using the omputer?
AF &he !oysti$ is wet.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF What's the 6ui$est way to get into a blondes pants?
AF ?i$ them up off the floor.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF Why don't blonds play 0risbee?
AF It hurts their teeth.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF What do you all a blonde with half a brain?
AF Bifted5
GGGGGGGGGG
MF ,ow do blonde brain ells die?
AF Alone.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF Why don't blondes eat bananas?
AF &hey an't find the +ipper.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF ,ow did the blonde try to $ill the fish?
AF )he tried to drown it.
GGGGGGGGGG
MF What's the differene between a blonde and a EJE?
AF Not everyone has been in a EJE.

A blonde had !ust gotten a new sports ar and was out for a drive when she
aidentally ut off a tru$ driver. ,e motioned for her to pull over. When she did,
he got out of his tru$ and pulled a piee of hal$ from his po$et. ,e drew a
irle on the side of the road and gruffly ommanded to the blonde, ")tand in that
irle and "7N'& 17.35"
,e then went to her ar and ut up her leather seats. When he turned around she
had a slight grin on her fae, so he said, "7h you thin$ that's funny? Wath this5"
,e gets a baseball bat out of his tru$ and brea$s every window in her ar. When
he turns and loo$s at her she has a smile on her fae. ,e is getting really mad. ,e
gets his $nife ba$ out and slies all her tires.
Now she's laughing. &he tru$ driver is really starting to lose it. ,e goes ba$ to
his tru$ and gets a an of gas, pours it on her ar and sets it on fire. ,e turns
around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?"
the tru$ driver as$ed the blonde. )he replied, "3very time you weren't loo$ing, I
stepped outside the irle."
A girl ame s$ipping home from shool one day.
"1ommy, 1ommy," she yelled, "we were ounting today, and all the other
(ids ould only ount to four, but I ounted to 9:. )ee? 9, ;, K, J, =,
<, E, L, 8, 9:5"
".ery good," said her mother.
"Is it beause I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"'es, it's beause you're blonde," said the mommy.
&he ne-t day the girl ame s$ipping home from shool. "1ommy, 1ommy,"
)he yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other $ids
Could only say it to ", but I said it to B. )ee? A, *, C, ", 3, 0, B5"
".ery good," said her mother.
"Is it beause I'm blonde, 1ommy?"
"'es, it's beause you're blonde."
&he ne-t day the girl ame s$ipping home from shool. 1ommy, 1ommy,"
)he yelled, "we were in gym lass today, and when we showered, all the
7ther girls had flat hests, but I have these5" And she lifted her tan$
&op to reveal a pair of K<Cs.
".ery good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it beause I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No ,oney, it's beause you're ;J."
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting ne-t to eah other on a long flight from HA to
N'. &he lawyer leans over to her and as$s if she would li$e to play a fun game.
&he blonde !ust wants to ta$e a nap, so she politely delines and rolls over to the
window to ath a few win$s. &he lawyer persists and e-plains that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun. ,e e-plains, "I as$ you a 6uestion, and if you don't
$now the answer, you pay me P=, and vie#versa." Again, she politely delines and
tries to get some sleep. &he lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "7$ay, if you
don't $now the answer you pay me P=, and if I don't $now the answer that you'll
as$ me, I will pay you P=::5." 0iguring that sine she is a blonde that he will easily
win the math. &his athes the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. &he lawyer as$s the
first 6uestion. "What's the distane from the earth to the moon?" &he blonde
doesn't say a word, reahes in to her purse, pulls out a five#dollar bill and hands it
to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. )he as$s the lawyerF "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and omes down with four?" &he lawyer loo$s at her with a
pu++led loo$. ,e ta$es out his laptop omputer and searhes all his referenes.
,e taps into the Air phone with his modem and searhes the Net and the Hibrary
of Congress. 0rustrated, he sends 3#mails to all his o#wor$ers and friends he
$nows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wa$es the blonde and hands her
P=::. &he blonde politely ta$es the P=:: and turns away to get ba$ to sleep. &he
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wa$es the blonde and as$s, "Well, so what
I) the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reahes into her purse, hands the
lawyer P=, and goes ba$ to sleep.
A heliopter was flying around above )eattle yesterday when an eletrial
malfuntion disabled all of the airraft's eletroni navigation and
ommuniations e6uipment.
"ue to the louds and ha+e, the pilot ould not determine the heliopter's
position and ourse to steer to the airport.
&he pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, irled, drew a handwritten sign, and
held it in the heliopter's window. &he pilot's sign said, "W,3/3 A1 I?" in large
letters.
?eople in the tall building 6ui$ly responded to the airraft, drew a large sign, and
held it in a building window. &heir sign said "'74 A/3 IN A ,3HIC7?&3/."
&he pilot smiled, waved, loo$ed at his map, determined the ourse to steer to
)3A&AC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the o#pilot as$ed the pilot how the "'74 A/3 IN
A ,3HIC7?&3/" sign helped determine their position in )eattle.
&he pilot responded "I $new that had to be the 1IC/7)70& building beause,
similar to their help#lines, they gave me a tehnially orret but ompletely
useless answer."
A ouple were going out for the evening. &hey'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog
put out, et. &he ta-i arrives, and as the ouple start out, the dog shoots ba$ in
the house. &hey don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the
ta-i while the husband goes upstairs to hase the dog out.
&he wife, not wanting it $nown that the house will be empty e-plains to the ta-i
driverFA ,e%s !ust going upstairs to say good#bye to my mother.A A few minutes
later, the husband gets into the ab.
")orry I too$ so long" he says. ")tupid bith was hiding under the bed and I had to
po$e her with a oat hanger to get her to ome out5 &hen I had to wrap her in a
blan$et to $eep her from srathing and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs
and tossed her in the ba$ yard5 )he better not shit in the vegetable garden again
either5"
&he train was very rowded, so the soldier wal$ed the length of the train, loo$ing
for an empty seat. &he only unoupied seat was diretly ad!aent to well dressed
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
&he weary soldier as$ed, "?lease, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
&he 0renh woman loo$ed down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "'ou
Amerians. 'ou are suh a rude lass of people. Can't you see my little 0ifi is
using that seat?"
&he soldier wal$ed away, determined to find a plae to rest, but after another trip
down to the end of the train, found himself again faing the woman with the dog.
Again he as$ed, "?lease, lady. 1ay I sit there? I'm very tired."
&he 0renh woman wrin$led her nose and snorted, "'ou Amerians5 Not only are
you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine5"
&he soldier didn't say another word. ,e leaned over, pi$ed up the little dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
&he women shrie$ed and demanded that someone defend her and hastise the
soldier.
An 3nglish gentleman sitting aross the aisle spo$e up, "'ou $now, sir, you
Amerians do seem to have a penhant for doing the wrong thing. 'ou're bad at
holding the for$ in the wrong hand. 'ou drive your autos on the wrong side of the
road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bith out of the window."
While attending a onvention, three psyhiatrists ta$e a wal$.
"?eople are always oming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have
no one to go to with our own problems."
")ine we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear eah other
out right now?"
&hey agreed this is a good idea. &he first psyhiatrist onfesses, "I'm a ompulsive
shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I an."
&he seond admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of ontrol, and I fre6uently
pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
&he third psyhiatrist says, "I $now it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I !ust
an't $eep a seret."
Rude Jokes
Why does the pope wear trun$s in the bath?
,e doesn't li$e to loo$ down on the unemployed.
"id you hear about the gay magiian?
,e vanished with a poof.
"id you hear about the dysle-i pimp?
,e bought a warehouse.
1i$ey 1ouse has been thrown out of "isneyland. Not sure, but I heard it had
something to do with 1uffin the 1ule.
Why did the snoo$er player go to the toilet?
&o pot the brown.
What%s the differene between eroti and $in$y?.
3roti, you use a feather. (in$y you use the whole hi$en.
What's the differene between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
'ou an unsrew a light bulb.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's tits, inserts neatly in a hole
and wor$s best when !er$ed hard?
A )eat *elt.
It goes in dry and it omes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, it omes
out dripping and starts to sag... it's a &etley's tea#bag.
What's a mon$ey got in ommon with a hainsaw?
&hey both shag up trees.
What do &ony *lair and ?eter )tringfellow have in ommon?
&hey both love bush.
What do you all a man with no arms or legs, playing the piano?
Clever "i$.
What's pin$ and hard first thing in the morning?
&he 0inanial &imes Crossword.
A woman went in to a hemist and as$ed if they sold e-tra large ondoms. "'es
we do. Would you li$e to buy some?" replied the shop assistant. "No, but do you
mind if I wait till somebody does?"
News flash !ust in... A man flashed at three old ladies sitting on a benh on
Clapham ommon... two had a stro$e but the other ouldn't reah.
What is the differene between burnt toast and a pregnant woman?
Nothing. In both ases it was ta$en out too late.
What's the differene between a terrorist and a woman with ?1&?
'ou an negotiate with a terrorist.
What's pin$ and hard?
A pig with a fli$ $nife.
When is a pi-ie not pi-ie?
When she has her head down an elf%s pants......then she's a goblin
What's bla$ and sits at the top of the stairs smo$ing?
)tephen ,aw$ing in a house fire.
What's Beorge 1ihael got in ommon with a pair of wellies?
*oth get su$ed off in bogs.
3lton 2ohn goes into a hemist.
"Can I have some .aseline please?" he says to the woman behind the ounter.
"Awww, sore lips?" says the woman.
"No dear, it's for haps"
What do you all a )erbian prostitute?
)lobadan 1io$yabi.
"otor, I've got a strawberry stu$ up my arse5
I'll have to give you some ream for that.
What's the differene between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you ta$e the meat out.
GGGGGGGGGG
What do you say to a woman with two bla$ eyes?
Nothing. 'ou've already told her twie.
What's the differene between a buffalo in your airing upboard and being raped
by a heavyweight bo-er?
7ne's having a bison in your towels, the other's having a &yson in your bowels.
&here were ; pro++ys sitting by the river on a sunny afternoon.
"It's going to be a great night tonight I smell o$ in the air."
"7h sorry that was me I burped."
What%s long, hard and full of siemen?
A )ubmarine.
What%s nasal se-?
0u$ nose5
In Closing
&han$ you for using the ,ilarous 2o$es e#boo$. I hope that you have en!oyed
reating some of these wonderful reipes. I would be greatful if you ould ta$e
the time to visit my website below, where you an view more great e#*oo$sF
http:www!elpassobooks!"o!uk

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