When my thoughts tangle

By: Monica A.
Tableofcontents

1. TheForgottenBranch1-2
2. DearSister3
3. InnocentCrush4
4. Acheesyfeeling5
5. You6
6. ThingsChange7-8
7. SendLove9
8. Acurse10
9. QueridaMami11
10. MysteryUnread12
11. Allinmyfeelings13
12. TheNightWeMet14
13. Agirl15
14. DearInsecurities16
15. TomydearMonica17
16. Alostpoem18
17. Homeofanartist19
18. Herestothedreamers20
19. SingleWay21
20. Frenemy22
21. WhoIam.23
22. IfYouAskme24
23. Itallrepeats25
24. Thereasonwhy26
25. Trust27
26. Intherain28
27. WhereIcomefrom29
28. MentalIllness30
29. Pride31
30. Voices32
The Forgotten Branch

Dear Past,
Will I
Break this unending cursen cycle?
Will I turn our family name
Into gold and give us good fortune?
Or will I be another lost branch in our family tree?

Will I ever be free?

I feel like a failure,

Nothing good will come from me
I feel like ripping my skin
Into shreds because this skin is not mine,
But maybe its yours?

You seem to like to play

Hide and seek
Because everytime I try to find any part of you
Hiding behind broken branches
Is what you do best

All I see is your blurry face

Or maybe youre more than one
You make me feel lost
Like Im walking the same path
Trying to figure a way out of this forest of lies

Time flies by
And I still dont know who you are
No face, no name, no fame
I hear the whispers that are shared between my family
The people that were there for me when I was little
Have suddenly disappeared

It feels like Im losing

I cant ask any questions to clear my confusion
Will I end up like you?
Forgotten between the secrets and lack of success
Trying to reach for the top of the tree
Only to result
A tragic death

I try to fly towards the sky

But the sun burned holes through my wings
That were made of lies and regrets
Making me face the earth
And the harsh reality

Will I ever be free?

Or will I just be another shadow in our family tree?

Because I am tired of figuring out who I am

Worn out,
pretending to be someone Im not
And I am lost
My thoughts tangle together
Not letting me think about myself
But asking
Why did you cause this?

I got no direction
I got nowhere to go
I need a hand to guide me
Through the pain
You left behind
Dear little sister

I should have payed more attention

My dear little sister
I should have showed you more love
I should have told you how much you mean to me
That nothing would let me be
If you werent alright
I should have told you how much I love you
How much I care about you
Even though I might not voice it at times

I wish I didnt neglect you when you needed me the most

I hate that I wasnt there

I loathe myself that I cant seem to protect you
Your screams of help would echo through my head
Even though to the rest of the world
You were silent

Mami and Papi tried to help you

But I know they pushed to hard
I tried being
 Innocent Crush

Idontknowhowyoudidit
Youhavemanagedtocapturedmyattention
Makingmeglanceatyourdirection
Everydamnfiveseconds
Youaccomplishedonmakingmeworry
AbouthowIlookeachday
IgetnervouswheneverItrytotalktoyou
Myheartbeatssofast
Icanfeelitleaptomythroat
Makingmechokeonmywords
ThatIwanttosaytoyou






























Acheesyfeeling

WheneverIseeyou
Mythoughtsbecomeblurs
AndIdontknowhowtoact
Mywordsgetstuck
AndIseemtohavenoluck
WhenImaroundyou
Itrytoactcoolandsuave
Butmyhandsalwaysstarttoshake
Idontunderstand
HowIcouldvefallenunderyourspell
ButeverytimeIseeyou
Myheartbeats
Tothisdisgustingrhythm
Thatonlyyoucancreate
WhenItalktoyou
IfeelthatImtalkingsomeweirdlanguage
AndIalwaysseemtosaythewrongwords
Ihatethisfeelings
Thattravelthroughmyveins
Wheneveryouthrowasmile
IhatehownervousIget
ButwhatIhatethemost
Ishavingacrushonyou
You

I want to share everything with you

My love, my heart, my trust
But its safe to say that you dont
You dont see me as anything but a friend
And even though I try to convince myself that Im over it
I know deep down that Im not
Why cant I get over you completely?
I cant shake the feeling whenever you look at me
Butterflies fly all over my stomach
 Things Change

The sky is crying

Grey clouds circle above me
But I think my heart is dying
For it no longers beats
When you look at me

I would rather feel

The tears of the sky hitting my face
No longer want to deal
With the sunshine that comes my way
And it seems darkness is my new fate
For it longs to be my new friend

My skies arent crystal blue

And I dont see the sun anymore
Your eyes arent the first thing I think of
When I seek comfort
And your arms arent as warm as they used to be

At night my tears mix in with fear

Because breaking your heart is the last thing I want to do
But pretending to love you
Is not an option anymore

I dont know what to feel

I cherished you for so long
That going our separate ways seems silly to occur
But things change
My love for you is different now

Im thankful for all the memories we have

Grateful doesnt even cover how I feel
That I met you
You were my everything
 The rock that held me down
the one person that didnt make me feel like a clown
Despite that, Ive noticed the distance we have created

I am a fool to feel this way

However I cant push this feeling away
My emotions are like waves
They always keep coming back
No matter what I do
Im no longer in love with you
 Send Love

Can someone please send me love?

I have spend too many nights

Thinking how the world would be if I was just skinny enough
Worrying how many pounds I gained
Forcing myself not to eat at times
Because I always felt that being skinny would solve my problems
I believed my lies of reaching perfection

Can someone please send me love?

I have spend too much time

Telling myself I wont be pretty enough
That boys wont ever find me attractive, not with this body
I try to hide my crooked nose with my poofy hair
And I try to ignore my thoughts
Nonetheless they always come back

Can someone please send me love?

Im losing myself
I dont know who I am anymore
I have become lost in my own sadness
I forgot the girl who I was
 A curse

I cant stop thinking about myself

What I should be doing with my life
Who am I?
I want to do something with myself
Not just lay around
I want to write stories
But I always tell myself that I wont make it
I wont be a good author
Nobody will ever like my book
What I have dreamed about what I want to become
Is nothing but a dream
 Querida Mami

Querida Mami,

No sabes como te quiero

Me has ayudado mucho en mi vida
Y aun me amas aunque te hice perder a alguien en tu familia
No sabes cuanto te amo
Siempre cuando estoy triste
Tu eres las primera que busco cuando quiero un abrazo
No sabes como te adoro
Me haz ensenado a defender me
Y amar a la persona que soy

Con amor,
Monica
 Mystery Unread

Theres hurt in your eyes

I can tell that from the start
Youre hurting from your past, you cant seem to move on
Everyone tells you their problems
But they dont have time to sit through yours

Scared that youll get rejected

You laugh to forget
Even if the nightmares you neglect
Get harder to ignore each day

Your silence is a curse

 All in my feelings

They were once unstoppable

She loved him and he loved her
Even if she was a monster underneath her beauty
She compelled him with her eyes
Rich brown cold
She was a survivor
He was a helpless fool
 The Night We Met

I was a nervous wreck

The night you wore your purple dress
You manage to take my breath away
Just like in those cheesy romance movies
Our eyes locked from across the room
And it wasnt until then that I noticed how much your beauty had bloom
I would have assumed you were a goddess
The way your eyes bore into mine
I felt compelled by those green eyes
But I stayed rooted into my seat
Afraid of being rejected by asking for a dance
My shook and became sweaty by just thinking
If this night you would be mine
 Pick Up Line Poem

I got lost in the way your eyes sparkle

They shined like a pair of diamonds
And I wouldnt be mad if they left me blind because of their brightness
Each time I would glance your direction
I was left breathless by your beauty
But it wasnt that that made me do a double take
Nor was it your hair that smelled so fruity when you walked past me
It was the rumors that catched my attention
You seemed to catch a reputation
Been called a slut since day one
Boys played you like you were their toy
You didnt have a choice but to sit alone during lunch
Your friends left you only to come back when they needed something
I never really talked to you
We seemed too different to even become acquaintances
Yet that day we connected
Sitting at a table in your favorite cafe only because you mistook my textbook for your own
We were only suppose to meet for five seconds to exchange books
However curiosity made me ask if you wanted to go get coffee
Thoughts swimmed in my head:
How could a girl like you even be connected with the rumors at school?
I was surprised when you started talking
You didnt feel any of the awkwardness that had settled between us
Your body was calm and your voice didnt falter
You spoke with a passion when I asked about the cafe
 Dear Insecurities

To my insecurities,

I hope you know you are the last thing I think about
When I go to sleep
And the first thing I wake up to
You make feel as though
Im the only one that you pay attention to
Always make me feel shitty about myself
Constantly reminding me of catching the calories
Trying to suck in my stomach to look a little thinner than I am
Slapping me if I dont look pretty enough

Your whispers of hate

Circle in my head for days

Sincerely,
Monica
 To my dear friend

Dear Monica,

Fat, fat, fat, fat.

How can you be happy

When all you are is that?
Belly rolls, stretch marks, double chin
You should feel shame.

Shame, shame, shame, shame.

Hide them
Stop eating
Youll be happier that way
Not to mention how much prettier youll feel
One trip Bolivia never hurt anybody
And a day without eating will do you good

You wish to be one of the prettier girls

Well Im trying to help you out
This is what they do
If you cant handle being one of them
Well you should be no one at all

I know you better than you know yourself

You say youll ignore me

That you are better without me in your life
But we both know the truth
Youll be crawling back to me in no time

Love,
Your Insecurities
 A lost poem

I am not afraid of heights

You lift me up
Just so you can bring me down
You like to play with my feelings
Act like we have something going to only call me buddy
I got lost in our little games
I was so sure I could win
But somehow you made me lose
I know nothing of you
I dont know you at all, but I made sure you knew me
I wanted to share everything with you
Desired to learn how to love you
However,
I dont bother with that anymore
At least thats what I keep telling myself
Why cant you love me? I love you
Cant you do the same with me?
You made me believe in the way you looked at me
I thought I was enough
What made it so easy for you to leave?
I thought it was because you were afraid
Afraid of accepting my love
But I guess you never cared about me at all
I was just another toy you liked to break down
 Home of an artist

Once, I got lost

Between the beauty of the painting and their colors
I got carried away
By the landscapes and their shadows
I was caught in a spell
Where my body wanted to stay in there forever
I felt hope and inspired
I havent felt that in a long time
 Heres to the dreamers

Heres to the ones that dream

The ones that beam to be seen
The ones that have multiple daydreams
Of something so unreal
Heres to the ones that believe
Of another world where everything is fine
A line has been crossed
Theres no more war
No more sadness to be passed
People are always happy
Thats all they are
But thats not real life
Thats an impossible fantasy
Life is cruel
And so are the dreams that make you believe
 Single Way

Theres only one way to success

Going to college will make your life easier
Youll have no problems of finding a job
People wont ever think youre a slob
Because you went to college, how about that?
You must be very smart
You went to college
Congrats
Its farther than what your parents made it
Of course you didnt graduate
You would have had a better life if you did
Too bad you were losing yourself in stacks of paper
Studying something you didnt want
Too bad you werent happy
College is tough
Maybe it wasn't for you
But too bad you wanted to paint
Paint flowers and trees
Wanted to express what you felt
Too bad you decided you were better at a brush instead of numbers
You were so smart
What happened?
 Frenemy

Everyday is the same torture

She makes me do things I would never do
I count calories and skip meals
For what deal?
I dont know whether to eat or die
Dont know wether to laugh or cry
Im not sure if she wants me to live or die
I question myself if shes making me fine
Shes not a friend but shes not an enemy
After what shes made me been through
I decided she was a frenemy
I spend days without eating
Feeling weak and feeling hunger
Its what she said would make me stronger
All I ever wanted to be was thin
Thin and slim and having boys drool over me
I dont care if I have to spend the whole day in the gym
As long as Ive lost three pounds by the end of the day
I remind myself not to eat
Being skinny is all that matters, skinny and lovely
She turned me into a scale slave
Shes slowly taking me down to my grave
And I dont seem to care
As long as Im thin enough to walk in the air
I starve for perfection
 Who I am

Who am I?
Ive become so misdirected
Becoming so affected by the noise around me
I get infected by the voices that swirl in my head
Feeling dejected every single day
But I chose to neglect that part of me
Wanting to project the unexpected
The person who everyone wants me to be
Thats just how it is
Nobody wants to be sad
It gets too depressing
Its not fun to always be stressing
 If You Ask Me

If you ask me for my love

I would gladly give it up
If you ask me for my heart
I would say you had it from the start
If you ask me for my trust
Id give it to you
Its a must to keep a relationship strong
And keep it from going wrong
If you ask me for my honesty
Ill give it to you without a complaint
Because keeping secrets from you
Is the last thing I want to do to cause you pain
If you ask me for my soul
Ill give it to you to hold tight
And to never let it go
If you ask me for my mind
Ill say that you already run it
Because I think about you all the time
 It all repeats

Its the start of a new day

I dont know what to say
Am I glad Im here?
Or do I just want to disappear

My day always repeats

First I wake up
Go to school
Talk to my friends
Attend classes
Pretend Im someone Im not
And go back home
Where I lay on my bed
Feeling all sad and depressed
 The reason why

I remembered our moments in the past

It feels like its only the two of us
Its sad to think it didnt last
The wind blowing it like it was a worthless dust
I recall the things we had
Our treasured wishes and dreams were so vast
It breaks my heart to think it didnt last
For I still remember the way you were
If someone asked
Im trying my best to move on
But I dont want to know that Im alone
Because of you and what youve done
Leaving me after saying that you were the one
Im holding on, trying to be strong
Knowing there was still a place in your heart where I belong
Youre the reason of the things Ive done
 Trust

Trust is
When you put out your hand
And let him take it
Even though one of you
Will end up dead in the end

Trust is
When you sleep by his side
And he by yours
Staying far away from the war
You have volunteered in
You can feel him breathing
And hear his soothing heartbeat
But you know how this will end

Trust is
When he calls out only your name
Whenever death faces him
And isnt afraid to save your life
Even if it costs his

Trust is
When he asks you sing him to sleep
As he lies in your arms
While he bleeds to death
And through the tears that roll down your face
You will never forgive yourself
Because you were too late
 In the Rain

You were my world

The strongest one of the two
You were invincible
Nobody could touch us
You were my only
And then you werent
Yet you still held onto me
Unwilling to let go
To let me find my wings
That burned to ashes
When I flew a little too close to you
I had to leave you

When I left you

In the rain
I never meant to hurt you
I needed to find myself again

I thought you would have understood

But you stayed in the rain
 Where I come from

I cant neglect where I was born

My blood and roots
I cant forget where my heart lies
Beside the little while and blue lines
Destroyed by guns and bombs
Ruled by gangs
Crumpled by poorness
My people cant depend on safety
But its my country
Where I was born and raised
Up to the age of five
Where my grandma still lives by
And yes, my country is not filled with riches
Nor is it surrounded by the greatest buildings
But its my country
Proud of whats left of it
Because we cant all get our gold
 Mental Illness

One day it got to the point

Where I just didnt want to go outside
All I ever felt was shame
And I became insane
Looking at the amount of numbers I was eating
I had become used to lying
I always said that I had already eaten
Hugging my stomach tightly
So they couldnt hear it crying for help
I manage to glue a smile on my face
From days on I thought I was happy
Until lunch and dinner rolled by
I chose to ignore them
 Pride

Culture is something we follow

And something we find pride in
Learning how to flip a tortilla
And leaving a dish sparkly clean
Be at a certain time to be at home
As in waking up at seven in the morning to music
A day of cleaning
But there is so much to learn
 Voices

Whose voices are inside my head?

The ones that keep me awake
Till morning dawn
Whose voices see nothing but red
When I do not please them right

Whose voices are these

To make me worry on how I look like
To make me feel insecure
I want to close my eyes
And never wake up

But I fear that theyll follow me anyways

That theyll keep on torturing me
With their insults and murderous yells
I fear that Ill destroy myself
Before they do

I try to ignore
These voices in my head
I cannot control them
But it seems as they can control me
With just one word
Ill believe anything
To feel like I belong

I am like a slave
I try to please them right
But they always leave me
To cry alone in the dark