How to Develop

Self-Compassion
i n j u s t a b o u t a n yo n e

By Dr. Russ Harris

www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015
w h at i s s e l f - co m pa s s i o n ?

As the great R.E.M. song goes, to someone you love if they were in
‘Everybody hurts sometimes’. Life similar pain. For thousands of years,
dishes up pain for all of us. We self-compassion has played a central
all get to repeatedly experience role in many religious and spiritual
disappointment, frustration, failure, practices, and now it is becoming
rejection, illness, injury, conflict, increasingly important in many models
hostility, grief, fear, anxiety, anger, of therapy, coaching and counselling.
sadness, guilt, loss, loneliness, health Certainly it is implicit in every aspect
issues, financial issues, relationship of the ACT (acceptance & commitment
issues, work issues, and so on. therapy) model.
Unfortunately, when we experience
great pain, we often don’t treat A wealth of research shows the benefits
ourselves very well. of self-compassion with a wide range
of clinical issues, from depression and
Self-compassion involves anxiety disorders to grief, trauma and
acknowledging your own suffering addiction. So if you’re a therapist, coach
and responding kindly. In other words, or counsellor, it’s well worth knowing
treating yourself with the same warmth, how to help your clients to develop it.
caring and kindness that you’d extend And, of course, to develop it in yourself!

“C ompassion is a
two-way street”
– Frank Capra

2 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

 the six
‘building blocks’
o f s e l f - c o m pa s s i o n
Many people have little or no
experience of self-compassion,
and some may find it threatening or
overwhelming or just “Too hard!”. This
is especially likely if they leap head first
into an intensive exercise such as a
traditional self-compassion meditation.

Luckily, though, we can build self-

compassion through ‘baby steps’, so
it’s not threatening or overwhelming
or “Too hard!”. We can start with any
one of the six basic ‘building blocks’ of
self-compassion – ideally, whichever
one we find easiest – and we can
work on that for a while. Then once
we’ve made some progress with that
element, we can start experimenting
with another.

3 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

In this way, going gently, step-by-step, The six element model of self-
we can build our self-compassion compassion that follows is based on
skills over time. As we develop more ACT, but if you do a bit of reading on
‘building blocks’, we can learn how to the topic, you’ll find most approaches to
stack them on top of each other, to self-compassion include most or all of
build taller and more stable towers. these elements.

There is no need for people to However, before we go any further,

meditate, or to follow some religious let’s be clear: there is not one
practice. (Although they can if they universally-agreed definition of
want to!) The ACT model gives us a self-compassion, or ‘best-practice’
vast range of incredibly flexible ways to approach to developing it.
develop self-compassion in just about
anybody, one step at a time.

4 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

e l e m e n t #1
ac k n ow l e d g i n g pa i n
One of the core ACT processes is
‘contacting the present moment’ –
i.e. flexibly noticing, with an attitude
of curiosity and openness, what is
present: right here, right now. (This is “Our human compassion
of course a central element in all forms binds us the one to the
of mindfulness practice.)
other - not in pity or
This process plays an essential patronizingly, but as
first step in self-compassion: we
consciously and intentionally notice
human beings who have
and acknowledge our own pain. We learnt how to turn our
notice, with openness and curiosity, the
painful thoughts, feelings, emotions,
common suffering into
images, sensations, urges, memories hope for the future.”
etc. that are present within us in this - Nelson Mandela
moment.

This is very different from our ‘default

mode’ of turning away from our pain as
fast as possible – trying to suppress it,
avoid it, deny it, escape it, or distract
from it.

Often it’s useful to express what we

have noticed (in non-judgmental
language). For example, we may
say, “I’m noticing painful feelings of
rejection” or “I’m noticing thoughts
about being a loser” or “I’m
noticing sadness and anxiety”.

5 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

e l e m e n t #2
d e f u s i o n f ro m s e l f - j u d g m e n t
Another core ACT process is ‘defusion’ us that way. (If you’ve ever tried, you
– i.e. learning to separate/unhook/ know what I’m talking about.) Sure, you
detach from our thoughts and beliefs can learn to think more positively, and
and see them for what they are: nothing practise non-judgmental awareness
more or less than strings of words and - but that won’t stop your mind from
pictures. (This is also a central element judging and criticizing you.
in many forms of mindfulness practice.)
But we can learn to defuse from those
Most of us know all too well just how harsh self-judgments and ‘not good
quick our minds are to judge and enough’ stories. We can notice, name
criticize us. Our minds seem to relish and unhook from those cognitions. We
any opportunity to pull out a big stick can learn how to see them as nothing
and give us a hiding; to point our flaws more or less than words and pictures,
and failures; to label us as ‘not good without getting into debates about
enough’ in a hundred different ways. whether they are true or false. And we
can let them come and stay and go in
An essential aspect of self-compassion their own good time, without getting
is learning how to defuse from all that caught up in them or pushed around by
harsh self-talk. We can’t magically them.
train our minds to stop speaking to

“Your task is not to seek

for love, but merely
to seek and find all
the barriers within
yourself that have built
against it.” - Rumi

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e l e m e n t #3
ac t i n g w i t h k i n d n e s s
Another two of the core ACT processes “There is no need for
are ‘values’ and ‘committed action’.
‘Values’ are our hearts deepest desires temples, no need
for how we want to behave on an ongoing for complicated
basis; how we want to treat ourselves,
others and the world around us. philosophies. My
‘Committed action’ means skillful flexible brain and my heart
action, guided by our core values.
are my temples; my
The value that forms the foundation of philosophy is kindness.”
self-compassion is ‘kindness’. All types of
self-compassion practice – wherever they
– Dalai Lama
may have originated from – revolve around
this powerful core value.

8 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

Indeed, we can think of kindness as We can talk to ourselves in a caring and
the glue that holds together all the gentle and understanding way, much as
other elements of self-compassion. we would speak to a loved one in similar
For example, when we consciously pain.
acknowledge our pain, this is an act of
kindness. And when we defuse from We can use kind imagery, such as ‘loving
harsh self-criticism, this too is an act of kindness meditation’ or ‘inner child re-
kindness. scripting’ or numerous other practices
where we create powerful images to tap
So once we acknowledge our pain, the into self-kindness.
aim is to treat ourselves with kindness.
And fortunately there are many, many We can use kind self-touch, such as
ways in which we can act kindly towards placing a hand gently on our heart or
ourselves. on top of a painful feeling, and sending
warmth and caring inwards through the
We can use kind self-talk, such as palm.
reminding ourselves that we are human,
that we are fallible, that everyone makes And we can do kind deeds, such as self-
mistakes, that no one is perfect. soothing rituals, or self-care activities, or
spending quality time with people who
treat us well.

9 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

e l e m e n t #4
ac c e p ta n c e
Another core ACT process is ‘acceptance’.
This does not mean passively accepting
a difficult situation. On the contrary, the
‘committed action’ process in ACT involves
taking effective action, guided by your
“C ompassion is the values, to do everything possible to improve
the situation as much as possible.
antitoxin of the ‘Acceptance’ in ACT refers to accepting our
soul: where there thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories,
urges, sensations. Acceptance means we
is compassion even ‘open up’ and ‘make room’ for our thoughts
the most poisonous and feelings; we allow them to flow through
us, without fighting them, running from
impulses remain them, or being controlled by them.
relatively harmless.” All too often, when pain shows up in our lives,
we try to escape it through activities that tend
- Eric Hoffer to make our lives worse in the long term. For
example, we may turn to alcohol, junk food,
drugs, cigarettes, mindless consumerism,
zoning out in front of the TV, dropping out
of important activities, social isolation, self-
harm, or even suicidality. These are not kind
ways to treat ourselves.
When we practice
accepting our painful
thoughts, feelings,
memories and sensations
(instead of doing
self-defeating or life-
draining things to avoid
them) this is an act of
kindness in itself.

10 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

e l e m e n t #5
va l i dat i o n
All too often, when we are in great pain, we
invalidate our own emotional experience.
We don’t acknowledge our pain as a valid
experience – as a normal and natural part
of being human.

Our minds tell us that we shouldn’t feel like

this, we shouldn’t react like this, we should
be able to handle it better, we shouldn’t
have these thoughts and feelings. Often,
our minds belittle us – tell us that we are
over-reacting, or we’re weak, or we have
nothing to complain about because “there
are starving kids in Africa”, and these are
merely “first world worries”. Our minds may
even tell us to toughen up, suck it up, stop
being a cry-baby, or “be a real man”.

Obviously, this type of harsh, critical,

invalidating attitude is the very opposite of
kindness.

One aspect of validating our experience

is defusion. Even though we can’t stop
them from arising, we can learn to defuse
(unhook, detach) from these harsh self-
judgments, unrealistic expectations,
and unkind comparisons to others.

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The other aspect is to actively want and the reality you’ve got).
validate our experience through self- And when our minds compare our
talk. We can remind ourselves – (in emotional reactions unfavourably
a warm, caring inner voice) that it to those of others, we can remind
is normal and natural for humans to ourselves that we are unique. After all,
have painful thoughts and feelings if anybody else on the planet had your
when life is difficult, when we make unique DNA, your unique childhood,
mistakes, when we get rejected, or your unique life history, your unique
when we experience any kind of reality physical body, they would respond
gap (a gap between the reality you exactly the same way that you respond
(because they would, in fact, be you!).

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e l e m e n t #6
connectedness
Often when we are in great pain, “A human being is part
our minds generate thoughts along
the lines of “I am the only one going of the whole called by us
through this”, “I’m the only one who ‘universe’ - a part limited
feels this way”, “No one else knows
what this is like”, “No one cares”, in time and space. Our
“Everyone else is happy”, “Everyone task must be to free
else is better off than me”, “Why me?”,
and so on.
ourselves from this prison
by widening our circle of
Thoughts like these are commonplace,
and completely natural. Most of us
compassion to embrace
have experienced such thoughts at all living creatures and
times, and there’s no known way to the whole of nature in its
stop our minds from saying them.
beauty.” - Albert Einstein
However, the problem is not having
such thoughts. The problem is fusing
with them. If we fuse with these
thoughts – get all caught up in them,
buy into them – then this creates a
sense of disconnection. We feel cut
off, disconnected from others; we are
on our own, the odd one out, no longer
a part of the group. And our pain is
all the more difficult, because we are
suffering alone.
If, on the other hand, we develop a
sense of connectedness with others,

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this can help us with our pain. beings. Your pain tells you that you
One way to help develop such have a heart; that you care deeply;
connectedness, is to actively that some things really matter to you.
defuse (detach, unhook) from Your pain tells you that you are facing a
thoughts such as those above. ‘reality gap’ – a gap between the reality
you want and the reality you’ve got.
A second way is to spend time with
people who care about you and treat Pain is what every living, caring human
you kindly, and actively engage with being feels, whenever they meet a
them; be fully present with them. Often reality gap. And the bigger that reality
it’s useful to let these people know that gap, the greater the pain that arises.
you are in pain, and to accept their
kindness (which will usually rapidly So your pain is not a sign of weakness
follow your disclosure). or defectiveness or mental illness;
it’s a sign you are a living, caring
And a third way is to actively think human being. It’s something you
about how your pain is something have in common with every living,
you have in common with all human caring human on the planet.

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building
s e l f - c o m pa s s i o n
block by block
So as you can see, self-compassion
is a construct of various elements.
As I said at the beginning, there isn’t
one agreed definition of what it is, or
‘formula’ for developing it. If you read
other texts on this topic, you may find
other authors add in extra elements,
or subdivide some elements, or even
combine elements to simplify the
construct.

Furthermore, this document is just a

‘bare bones’ outline. We can use a vast
range of processes, practices, tools,
techniques and exercises to develop
any or all of the six
elements above – from
modern super-fast
defusion techniques
to ancient loving
kindness meditations.

Many people have

little or no experience
of self-compassion,
and some may find
it threatening or
overwhelming or
just “Too hard!”.
This is especially

16 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

likely if they leap head first into with that element, then we can start
an intensive exercise such as a experimenting with another.
self-compassion meditation. In this way, going gently, step-
by-step, we can build our
Luckily, though, we can work on self- self-compassion skills over time. And
compassion in ‘baby steps’, so it’s not fortunately, the ACT model gives us a
threatening or overwhelming or “Too vast range of incredibly flexible ways
hard!”. We can start with any one of to do this, with just about anybody.
the six elements above – whichever we (So here’s hoping to meet you soon
find easiest – and work on that for a on one of my courses, where I can
while. Once we’ve made some progress share this with you in depth.)

17 How to Develop Self-Compassion www.ImLearningACT.com © Russ Harris 2015

common barriers
to s e l f - c o m pa s s i o n
Of course, helping our clients to develop self-compassion isn’t always easy. It’s
especially difficult with people who have suffered from complex trauma, or who
have no personal experience of kind and caring relationships with others.

Here are some of the most common barriers to self-compassion:

Fusion with unworthiness

The client fuses with self-narratives such as “I’m unworthy” or “I don’t deserve kindness”

Overwhelming emotions
The client becomes overwhelmed by emotions such as anxiety, sadness, guilt, or shame.

Pointlessness
The client fails to see the point of self-compassion: “How’s this going to help me?”

Lack of Personal Experience

The client has no personal experience of kind and caring relationships with others.

Prejudice
The client judges self-compassion harshly: as something ‘wishy-washy’ or ‘new age’;
as something ‘religious’; as a sign of weakness; or in men, as something effeminate.

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 In my online training, you’ll discover how
to overcome such barriers, and actually
convert them into opportunities to build
more self-compassion.

I’ll finish up now by asking you to reflect

on this final quote, and consider how it
is relevant to whatever model of therapy,
coaching or counselling you currently use:

“T he most beautiful people we

have known are those who
have known defeat, known
suffering, known struggle,
known loss, and have found
their way out of the depths.
These persons have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and
an understanding of life that
fills them with compassion,
gentleness, and a deep
loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen.”
- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

All the best,

Cheers, Russ Harris
www.ImLearningACT.com

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