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Ways Narc Use Shame To Control

The document discusses 11 ways that narcissists use shame to control others, including exaggerating others' faults, blaming others for their mistakes, comparing themselves favorably to make others feel inferior, and using personal insults to put others on the defensive. The purpose of these tactics is to establish superiority and dominance over others by constantly criticizing and humiliating them. The document advises that the best way to avoid being controlled is to deflect and distract from a narcissist's attempts to provoke shameful reactions.

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Swapnil Kumar
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143 views

Ways Narc Use Shame To Control

The document discusses 11 ways that narcissists use shame to control others, including exaggerating others' faults, blaming others for their mistakes, comparing themselves favorably to make others feel inferior, and using personal insults to put others on the defensive. The purpose of these tactics is to establish superiority and dominance over others by constantly criticizing and humiliating them. The document advises that the best way to avoid being controlled is to deflect and distract from a narcissist's attempts to provoke shameful reactions.

Uploaded by

Swapnil Kumar
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Psych Central Professional

11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame to


Control
By Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC
Last updated: 28 Jun 2019
~ 3 MIN READ

A weakness of a narcissist is

their extreme hatred of being embarrassed. There is nothing


worse for them than having someone point out even the slightest
fault. Ironically, they have no problem openly doing this to others.

This method of casting shame allows them to feel superior while


minimizing any impact the other person might have. It also
serves as a way of discounting any future comments the other
person use to embarrass the narcissist. Basically, they are
beating the other person to the first punch.

In order to avoid the first punch, a person needs to understand


what it looks like. Here are eleven ways a narcissist uses shame
to control others.
1. Historical Revisionism. A narcissist will retell another
person’s story adding their own flare of additional shame.
This can be done in front of others or privately. It usually
happens after the other person has achieved some level of
accomplishment. The narcissist will state that they are only
trying to keep the other person humble but in reality, they
are trying to humiliate.

2. Confidence Breaking. Narcissists love to gather information


about a person and store it away for later abuse. They use
their charm to entice a person to share confidential details,
especially ones that caused the other person
embarrassment. Once gathered the narcissist uses the
story to keep the other person in check and constantly
worried about when the information will come out.

3. Exaggerating Faults. No one is perfect except for the


narcissist. The narcissist is very good at identifying the
faults of others and even better at passively aggressively
commenting on them. This is a way of putting the other
person ‘in their place.’ When confronted, they often say, “I
was only joking,” or that person “can’t take a joke.”

4. Victim Card. Narcissists are talented at exasperating others


and then using their reaction as justification for becoming
the real victim. Regardless of how hard the narcissist
incited the other person, the angry reaction to the
provocation is viewed as shameful. The other person who
usually feels bad by their reaction, allows the narcissist to
play the victim card, and thereby surrenders control to the
narcissist.

5. Blame Shifting. Whenever something goes wrong, the


narcissist shifts all of the blame to the other person. The
other person who may have done one thing wrong, allows
the narcissist to dump more than their fair share of the
responsibility.

6. Baby Talk. In any narcissistic relationship, the narcissist


wants to be seen as the adult and the other person as the
child. This belittlement is done in several condescending
ways such as literally talking down, calling the other person
immature and saying the other person needs to grow up.
The implication is that the narcissist is more mature and
has developed beyond the level of the other person.

7. Religious Guilt. It doesn’t matter what the religion of the


narcissist or the other person is. In every religion, there are a
set of standards and expectations. The narcissist will use
the other person’s religious beliefs to guilt them into acting
a certain way. They might even go as far as to say, “God told
me you need to…”

8. Offensive Play. The narcissist will use personal attacks to


put the other person on the defense. The other person will
get so caught up in defending their name or character that
they will miss the next attack. “Look how defensive you are,
you must have done something wrong,” the narcissist will
say. This is a checkmate position because the other person
has nowhere to go.

9. Talking Above. Instead of talking down (baby talk), the


narcissist will talk over the other person’s knowledge level.
Even if the other person is more intelligent, the narcissist
will talk in circles with an air of authority to force the other
person into an inferior position. They will use sophisticated
vocabulary, physical posturing such as looking down at the
other person, and embellishment of details to disguise the
real point of shaming the other person.

10. Comparing Accomplishments. It doesn’t matter what the


other person has accomplished, the narcissist did it first,
better, and more efficiently. By outperforming the other
person, the narcissist minimizes the other person’s
accomplishments in comparison to their own. This
produces an ‘I can never be good enough,’ feeling in the
other person.

11. First Impression. A narcissist is very aware of how they


look and appear to others. Frequently they are dressed in
designer clothing with immaculate grooming. Not a hair is
ever out of place. This is not just for the narcissist; rather
their perfectionistic appearance is used to demean others.
Comments like, “They don’t take care of themselves,” or “It
doesn’t take a lot of effort to look better” are typical.

When a person can see a punch coming, it is easier to dodge.


Resist the temptation to attack first with a narcissist that will
only intensify their reaction. Instead, deflect and distract to avoid
becoming a target.

APA Reference
Hammond, C. (2019). 11 Ways Narcissists Use Shame to Control. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 19, 2019, from https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-
woman/2016/05/11-ways-narcissists-use-shame-to-control/

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