Intro BCS NVC Handout Packet
Intro BCS NVC Handout Packet
Intro BCS NVC Handout Packet
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Nonviolent Communication TM
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Alan Seid, CNVC !Certified Trainer
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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! www.cascadiaworkshops.com
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Nonviolent Communication (also known as NVC, Compassionate Communication, and
Empowered Communication) is a way of speaking that facilitates the flow of communication
needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully. It helps us identify our
shared values and needs, encourages us to use language that increases goodwill, and avoid
language that contributes to resentment or lowers self-esteem.
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Nonviolent Communication focuses our attention on compassion as our motivation, rather
than fear, guilt, blame, or shame. It emphasizes taking personal responsibility for our choices
and improving the quality of our relationships as our goal. It is effective even when the other
person or group is not familiar with this process.
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Nonviolent Communication is based on the premise that:
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! We are all simply trying to get our needs met.
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! We fare better if we know how to get these needs met through cooperation rather than
aggression.
! People naturally enjoy contributing to the well-being of others when they can do so willingly.
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The Intent of Nonviolent Communication is to:
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! Create more satisfying personal connections.
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! Meet our needs in ways that honor and respect our values and the values of others.
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! Heal from previous experiences and relationships that have been painful or unsuccessful.
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With Nonviolent Communication Skills, You Can:
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! Resolve feelings of anger, guilt, shame, fear, and frustration.
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! Redirect anger or frustration toward coalition-building and cooperative outcomes.
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! Create solutions based on safety, mutual respect, and consensus.
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! Meet basic individual, family, school, community, and societal needs in life-serving ways.
!Adapted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg.
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Alan Seid of Cascadia Workshops (www.CascadiaWorkshops.com) is a Center for Nonviolent
Communication (CNVC) Certified Trainer and can be reached at info@cascadiaworkshops.com.
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For a (no cost) video training series so that you can go deeper into this process, check out:
http://BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !2
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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How does NVC work?
Life-Connected Communication
! images images
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! thoughts thoughts
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! feelings feelings
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needs
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needs
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Life-Alienated Communication
images images
and and
thoughts thoughts
feelings feelings
and and
needs needs
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Some Notes on Jackal Language
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The Ways of the Jackal Voices
(A Partial List)
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The jackal voices may be aimed at yourself or other people. They can hurt us and
hurt our relationships. If you listen, you can hear them in everyday exchanges
between people. They all convey “you” messages that have obvious or hidden
judgments.
1. Accusing
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Questioning, interrogating, probing-out of our needs, not receiver’s needs
5. Advising, giving solutions or suggestions when not requested
6. Moralizing, preaching, exhorting
e.g. “You should, ought…”
7. Explaining, lecturing, teaching, giving logical reasonable arguments
8. Name-calling, ridiculing, shaming, joking
9. Ordering, directing, commanding
10. Demanding
11. Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, supporting – out of our own needs, not
receiver’s needs
12 Warning, admonishing, threatening
13 Praising, agreeing, approving (especially when intention is manipulation or
“getting our way”)
14 Ignoring
15 Labeling
e.g. “He’s just a weirdo,” “You are a good hostess.”
16. Categorizing, comparing, generalizing
e.g. “That’s just like…”
17. Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, diverting
e.g. Pouting, not responding to other’s requests, or words, or actions
“It’s not as bad as all that.” “Why don’t you just think about something nice.”
18. Interpreting, analyzing, diagnosing, psychologizing
e.g. “You’re saying that to bug me.” “You really don’t believe all that” “You feel
that way because you’re not doing well in school.”
What To Do With Jackal Voices
1.Name them (Just recognize one when you hear it)
2.Claim them (Acknowledge as your own when you are jackaling)
3.Retain them (help the jackal quiet down)
4.Tame them (Give the jackals empathy so you can find out what you or other
persons are really wanting and/or feeling)
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Original handout by Carrie Howley, inspired by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, adapted by Alan Seid
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !5
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
“FIX-IT LANGUAGE”
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Fix-It language, sometimes called “chicken-soup,” is advice or help oriented around my
ideas of what’s good for the listener, rather than tuned to what the listener wants. It is
advice given without first determining (a) if it is a form of help the listener wants right
then, and (b) whether or not I am giving it because I want to give help or because they
want it. Even if the advice is sound or perceptive, such fix-it language is rarely healing or
helpful because the listener usually needs empathy and understanding, not advice, and
can build his own solutions once he gets empathy.
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COMMON VARIATIONS OF FIX-IT LANGUAGE
Things could be a lot worse.
No pain, no gain.
You’re absolutely right, those bureaucrats are impossible; you might as well forget it.
Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.
Well, you could use up your savings to have your car’s motor rebuilt, and then apply for welfare.
That happens to nearly everyone at one time or another.
Why don’t you just quit! You deserve better than that and shouldn’t put up with it.
Well, what can you expect with all those __________’s running the place?
You should hang in there. After _________ things will change and improve.
Look at the bright side, Sue, some people were allergic to your cat anyhow.
What do you expect from him, he’s:
a businessman.
“Fix-It” Language a knee-jerk Liberal.
combined with evaluative a straight-shooter.
language. a family man.
from the wrong side of the tracks.
worrying about his own family.
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FAUX-FEELINGS
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“I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE EXPRESSING A THOUGHT”
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Oftentimes we use the words “I feel” and then follow them with words that
express what we’re thinking rather than what we’re feeling. Below are examples
of common expressions describing thoughts instead of feelings.
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WE EXPRESS WHAT WE THINK OTHERS ARE DOING TO US, SUCH AS,
“I feel….”
There are many more that fit this category. See if you can identify others.
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WE EXPRESS WHAT WE THINK WE ARE OR WHAT WE THINK OTHERS THINK
WE ARE, SUCH AS, “I feel…..”
Create a connection first. Fixing or solving will be more effective after all the needs are clear.
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !10
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Embodied Self-Connection Process
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1) Situation: What is a situation you’d like to explore or transform? It
could be a challenge or a celebration related to someone else, yourself, or a
life situation.
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2) Observations: What is a specific event that happened in relation to this
situation? Describe in factual terms a thing that someone else (or you) did or
said.
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3) Beliefs: What thoughts do you have in relation to this situation? These
beliefs often take the form of statements like: ”He is such a ______!”; “She
is too ______!”; “I’m not ______ enough!”; “I’m so ______!”; “They
should ______!”; “The world is ______!”
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4) Body Sensations: When you think of this situation, what body
sensations do you notice? Breathe fully and feel these body sensations. (If
you are doing this practice with a listener, the listener can verbally reflect
back to you the body sensations you identify.)
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5) Feelings: When you think of this situation, what feelings do you notice?
Breathe fully and feel these feelings. (The listener can verbally repeat back to
you the feelings.)
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6) Needs: When you think of this situation, what values/needs are you
longing for or appreciating? Breathe fully and notice what sensations
accompany these needs. (The listener can reflect back the needs and body
sensations identified.)
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7)Requests: From this connection with your needs, what would you like to
do next or request of yourself or someone else?
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Original Handout by Karl Steyaert, CNVC Certified Trainer, findflow.org
Adapted by Alan Seid
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !11
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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FEELINGS INVENTORY
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This is not intended as the comprehensive and definitive list, but rather as a good starting point.
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Feelings likely to be experienced when our needs are being fulfilled
!"Absorbed"Adventurous"Affectionate"Alert"Alive"Amazed"Amused"Animated"Appreciative
"Aroused"Astonished
"Blissful"Breathless"Buoyant
"Calm"Carefree"Cheerful"Comfortable"Complacent"Composed"Concerned"Confident
"Contented"Cool"Curious
"Dazzled"Delighted
"Eager"Ecstatic"Effervescent"Elated"Electrified"Encouraged"Energetic"Engrossed"Enlivened
"Enthusiastic"Excited"Exhilarated"Expansive"Expectant"Exultant
"Fascinated"Free"Friendly"Fulfilled
"Gay"Glad"Gleeful"Glorious"Glowing"Good-humored"Grateful"Gratified"Groovy
"Happy"Helpful"Hopeful
"Inquisitive"Inspired"Intense"Interested"Intrigued"Invigorated"Involved"Joyous"Joyful"Jubilant
"Key-up"Loving"Mellow"Merry"Mirthful"Moved
"Optimistic"Overjoyed"Overwhelmed"Peaceful"Pleasant"Proud"Quiet
"Radiant"Rapturous"Refreshed"Relieved
"Satisfied"Secure"Sensitive"Spellbound"Splendid"Stimulated"Surprised
"Tender"Thankful"Thrilled"Touched"Tranquil"Trusting"Warm"Wide-awake"Wonderful"Zestful
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Feelings likely to be experienced when our needs are not being fulfilled
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"Afraid"Aggravated"Agitated"Alarmed"Aloof"Angry"Anguished"Animosity"Annoyed"Anxious
"Apathetic"Apprehensive"Aroused"Averse
"Beat"Bitter"Blah"Blue"Bored"Breathless"Brokenhearted
"Chagrined"Cold"Concerned"Confused"Cool"Cross
"Dejected"Depressed"Despair"Despondent"Detached"Disappointed"Discouraged"Disgruntled
"Disgusted"Disheartened"Dislike"Dismayed"Displeased"Disquieted"Distressed"Disturbed
"Downcast"Downhearted"Dread"Dull
"Edgy"Embarrassed"Embittered"Exasperated"Exhausted"Fatigued"Fearful"Fidgety"Forlorn
"Frightened"Frustrated"Furious
"Gloomy"Grief"Guilty
"Hate"Heavy"Helpless"Hesitant"Horrified"Horrible"Hostile"Hot"Humdrum"Hurt
"Impatient"Indifferent"Inert"Intense"Irate"Irked"Irritated
"Jealous"Jittery
"Keyed-up"Lassitude"Lazy"Lethargic"Listless"Lonely
"Mad"Mean"Melancholic"Miserable"Mopey"Nervous"Nettled"Overwhelmed
"Passive"Perplexed"Pessimistic"Puzzled"Rancorous"Reluctant"Repelled"Resentful"Restless
"Sad"Scared"Sensitive"Shaky"Shocked"Skeptical"Sleepy"Sorrowful"Sorry"Sour"Spiritless"Startled
"Surprised"Suspicious
"Tepid"Terrified"Tired"Troubled"Uncomfortable"Unconcerned"Uneasy"Unglued"Unhappy
"Unnerved"Unsteady"Upset"Uptight
"Vexed"Weary"Withdrawn"Woeful"Worried"Wretched
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! Inspired by Marshall B. Rosenberg
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !12
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
NEEDS INVENTORY
This is not intended as the comprehensive and definitive list, but rather as a good starting point.
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Autonomy
To choose one’s dreams, goals, values
To choose one’s plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
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Celebration
To celebrate the creation of life
To celebrate the loss of life (mourning)
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Integrity
Authenticity
Meaning
Creativity
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Interdependence
Acceptance
Appreciation
Closeness
Consideration
Contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which
contributes to life
Empathy
Honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our
limitations)
Love
Reassurance
Respect
Support
Trust
Warmth
Physical Nurturance
Air
Food
Movement, Exercise
Protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria,
insects, predatory animals (especially human beings)
Rest
Sexual Expression
Shelter
Touch
Water
Play
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Spiritual Communion
Beauty
Harmony
Inspiration
Order
Peace Inspired by Marshall B. Rosenberg
© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !13
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Statements for Guessing Feelings and Needs
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1. "Why vote? You politicians are all a bunch of crooks."
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2. "Being cared for by you is worse than being destitute. I'd rather be homeless."
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3. "You never write or call me."
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4. "After all those psych courses you took, you'd think you'd know how I feel and
what I'm going through! But you don't have a clue do you?!"
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5. "I can't believe I married such a nutcase!"
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6. "We need to ship you immigrants back to where you came from."
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7. "This is the third time in a month you've asked for a sick day. If all my
employees did that how do you think we'd get anything done around here?"
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8. "Not another twenty thousand pages of this stupid homework!"
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9. "I wish you wouldn't just waste your life away."
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10. "I just don't think I'll ever be able to do this right."
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11. "I can't stand your sarcasm."
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12. "Living with you is like living with a rock."
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13. "Mom and Dad, you guys never let me do anything."
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14. "I can't believe I bought this gadget from you yesterday and it's already
broken!"
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15. "You're a parasite!"
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !14
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Listening with Empowered Communication
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# OBSERVATION
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optional: ("When you [see, hear, etc]...)
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# FEELING
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"Are you feeling _________...
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# NEED
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"because you have a need for _________?"
(or, “because you value _________?”)
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# REQUEST
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optional: ("…and you would like me to_____?")
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*Some notes about empathy:
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What empathy is:
- Defined as a respectful or compassionate understanding
- Has a quality of being completely present with what is alive in the
other person at this moment
- Has a quality of following instead of leading
- We guess how the other person is, with the intention of connection
and understanding
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What empathy is not:
- Sympathy (“I feel your pain. I’ve been there.”)
- Suggestions (“Let me tell you what I think you should do…”)
- Fixing or resolving things (“Daddy will buy you a new one!”)
- Investigation (“When was the first time you felt this way?”)
- Diagnosing (“This is because you’re an [egomaniac, Aries, etc.]”)
- Honesty (“When I hear what you’re saying I feel upset…”)
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !15
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Exercises for each of the 4 NVC components
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Exercise I: Observations
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Do the statements below contain observations, evaluations or both?
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1- My brother talks too much.
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2- I strongly dislike it when you always raise your voice at me for no reason.
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3- I see you being cynical and disconnected.
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4- My husband never mows the lawn.
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5- You didn’t call on me when I raised my hand in the meeting.
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Exercise II: Feelings
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Identify the statements below in which feelings are clearly expressed.
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1- I love when you hug me.
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2- I’m sad.
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3- You gross me out.
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4- When I hear you say that, I feel like hitting you.
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5- I feel abandoned and rejected.
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !17
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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(4 NVC components, exercises, cont’d.)
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Exercise III: Needs
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Practice distinguishing needs by identifying the statements below in which the
speaker is taking responsibility for their own feelings.
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1- I’m sad and disappointed because I need you to love me more.
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2- I’m irritated because I’m needing respect and equality.
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3- Little things people say sometimes hurt me.
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4- I’m scared and need understanding from you right now.
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5- I’m feeling a bit disappointed because I was wishing I had been more
productive by now.
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Exercise IV: Requests
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Identify the statements below in which specific, do-able, positive-action-
language, present requests are expressed.
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1- Would you be willing to always do the dishes?
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2- Can you give me a back massage right now?
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3- Can’t you see what you’re doing?!?
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4- Would you be willing to agree to give me more space in this relationship?
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5- Roger, I’d like that report in by five tomorrow morning. Can you agree to do it?
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !18
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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Expressing Appreciation
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Three Components of Giraffe Appreciation
(may be expressed in any order)
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1. The action or words that contributed to your well-being.
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2. The need which was fulfilled when the other person did or said the above.
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3. Your pleasureful feeling in response to the fulfilled need.
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! “I am thrilled to see you kids spending your
! weekend creating this mural. It means so
! much to me when people work together to
! make our neighborhood beautiful like this!”
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Compare to:
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a. “You kids are good workers!”
b. “That is a beautiful mural.”
c. “Thank you for doing that.”
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Practice
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Think of someone who has done something to contribute to your wellbeing.
What did they do? What need of yours was (or is) being fulfilled? How do you
feel in relationship to that fulfillment?
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Receiving Appreciation
Now imagine you have expressed all three pieces of your appreciation to that
person. How would you wish them to respond?
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(a) “You’re welcome.”
(b) “Oh, it was nothing.”
(c) With Giraffe honesty and empathy: “_________________.”
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Inspired by Lucy Leu
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© Alan Seid - CascadiaWorkshops.com !19
BlackbeltCommunicationSkills.com
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About Alan Seid!
I began studying under Dr. Marshall
Rosenberg, Ph.D., in 1995. I learned most
of my Nonviolent Communication directly
from Dr. Rosenberg (whom I also refer to
informally as Marshall), although I have
studied with many trainers also trained by
him.!
In addition to producing hundreds of workshops for the general public, I have worked with
clients in the academic, government, nonprofit, and business sectors.!
I work primarily with positive change agents - people who are committed to making the world a
better place and themselves better people - so that they can make their biggest contribution and
craft their dream life.!
I have expertise in several areas besides NVC, including Permaculture Design, Financial
Integrity (Your Money or Your Life), the 8-Shields Model (Art of Mentoring), Integral
Sustainability, and a few tools under the umbrella of “visioning and manifesting.”!
To learn more about the Blackbelt Communication Skills Online Program, which was created to
offer the entire NVC curriculum, beginner to intermediate to advanced, in a way that supports
multiple learning modalities and offers a learning community, see http://bit.ly/BlackbeltNVC.!
You can also find out more about me and my work at CascadiaWorkshops.com.