Kipper
Kipper
Kipper
by
Andy Fitzsimmons
EXT. SCHOOL SPORTS DAY - DAY
CUT TO:
KIPPER FACE ON. The Six Million Dollar Man theme starts as
Kipper runs, very slowly, to the finish line.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Andrew Kendrick. A man barely
alive.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
We used to go to Wrexham baths
every Saturday. The snack machine
had huge revolving springs.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
It always got your crisps stuck and
you had to decide whether to risk
putting more money in. In the hope
that the second bag would dislodge
the first. You could have asked the
man, but you never asked the man.
You just got in more and more
bother with the machine.
Kipper and his mates jump into the main pool, startling the
other swimmers.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Wrexham baths had an Olympic size
swimming pool, well nearly. They
made it a foot too short.
CUT TO:
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
We always avoided the man with the
abnormally hairy back. And the slow
moving old age swimmers.
We see Kipper bombing off the top board again and hitting the
water.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
No bombing.
We see 18 year old Kipper and 18 YEAR OLD MOUSY’S faces side
on. The are looking down at something.
KIPPER, 18
What the fuck is that.
MOUSY
Fucking Flicko giv it me.
KIPPER, 18
Flicko man. What the fuck is he
doin' with that fucker?
MOUSY
Duno like.
KIPPER, 18
This isn't fuckin' Moss Side man.
MOUSY
Will ye keep it here for a bit. Me
mams comin' tomorrow.
4.
KIPPER, 18
Fuckin' ell Mousy.
MOUSY
Come on Kipper. Please.
(pause)
Just put it behind the counter.
KIPPER, 18
Fuckin' 'ell.
MOUSY
Go on man.
KIPPER, 18
Alright giz it.
MOUSY
Cheers pal.
CUT TO:
MOUSY (CONT’D)
That fucking McDonalds on the high
streets openin' tomorrow.
KIPPER, 18
Twats.
MOUSY
Might be alright like.
KIPPER, 18
Have you seen the size of the
fuckin' chips there? Fuckin' tiny.
MOUSY
Might be alright.
KIPPER, 18
Fuck off. Fuckin' Americans and
Japs comin' here.
MOUSY
Sharps giv me dad a job.
KIPPER, 18
What's wrong with the Fuckin'
chippy?
MOUSY
OK man.
5.
Uncomfortable silence
MOUSY (CONT’D)
Ferryman on Friday?
KIPPER, 18
Yea. Smart.
MOUSY
Tidy.
CUSTOMER
Chips please, and a can of Tonno.
KIPPER, 18
Fastest hands in Wrexham.
PRESENTER
Wrexham Front Line is an organised
group of hooligans operating out of
Wrexham Football Club. A collection
of young, well dressed, men intent
on causing violent clashes with
rival fans and even local people
who cross them. They leave "Calling
Cards" like this.
PRESENTER (CONT’D)
Peter Cotton, a journalist on the
Wrexham Leader, managed to
infiltrate the notorious
organisation. Peter do you think
this, tragic, incident is anything
to do with them?
6.
PETER
The only weapons the Front Line
carry are Stanley Knives, ball
bearings, golf balls, golf balls
with nails in. It's very unlikely
one of them would ever carry a gun.
PRESENTER
But Wrexham is known for it's
violence, especially on Saturday
nights and the Front Line are...
PETER
I hardly think that a glassing
outside the Bake and Take. and
somebody playing Bruce Lee in the
Ferryman queue are quite the same
as a multiple shooting in the
Everland Chippy.
PRESENTER
Just how did you manage to gain the
trust of one of the most secretive
and dangerous groups in Clwyd.
PETER
I put on a Kappa cagoule and hung
around McDonalds for a bit.
Two slightly older, but much harder looking, kids enter. They
are both smoking the ends of fags they have probably picked
up from the floor or an ashtray.
HARD KID 1
Ey lar. Giz yer last life.
DANNY
Geroff.
HARD KID 2
Go on giz it.
DANNY
Fuck off.
HARD KID 1
Fuck Off lar.
7.
KIPPER, 18
Ey. Lay off will ya.
DANNY
But they...
KIPPER, 18
I said lay off. Before I chin ye
meself.
DANNY
(resigned)
Can I ave a Mr Freeze.
KIPPER, 18
Danny pays and makes his way to the
door but is pushed aside by the
others as they leave.
HARD KID 2
Come on. Lets go to McDonalds.
KIPPER, 18
(Shaking his head
exasperated)
10 fucking p.
Toddlers are milling around them. The lads are giving things
to TIMMY, he is the same age as them but even more thick.
DAVIS
(shouting)
Timmy.
TIMMY
Yea?
DAVIS
Fuckin’ come back over ‘ere.
DAVIS
But fuckin’ smak ‘im first.
8.
Timmy turns back and smacks Peter in the face before walking
back.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Timmy was only allowed in the
Wrexham Front Line because he
smuggled their stuff into the
ground for them. He was a spaz.
DAVIS
(shouting)
Oi Kipper.
KIPPER, 18
Fucking McDonalds man.
KIPPER, 18
Chip bap. Would you like a battered
sausage with that.
MAN
You takin' the piss mate.
KIPPER, 18
Nope.
MAN
And a can of Vimto.
KIPPER, 18
We only have Wrexham Tonno.
MAN
That's what I mean.
KIPPER, 18
Enjoy your meal.
MAN
Are you lookin' for a fuckin' smack
or somthin'.
(picking up his food)
Fucking queer.
9.
Along with the rest of the audience they are whistling and
cheering the start of the film.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
The hippodrome was smart. For this
reason.
Suddenly the film stops and the lights go up. The Cinema
owner walks out from the front.
CINEMA OWNER
Right if I have any more of that
bloody stupid shouting and
whistling I will clear this cinema
row by row.
MOUSEY
Fuck is there ye nob.
CINEMA OWNER
Who said that?
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Sharps opened a factory on top of
the land that used to be the
entrance to the mines.
(MORE)
10.
KIPPER, 33(cont'd)
There were two cranes that were
left as a monument, after the
disaster. They took them down but
moved the cable wheels to the
roundabout. For the new bypass.
They set em in concrete.
CUT TO:
KIPPER, 33 (CONT’D)
It was a bit of a shame because
future generations couldn't spit
off the balcony. Mind you...
The bus has stopped at a stop. Kids are getting out, trying
to avoid a hail of spit.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
I lived in Gresford. It was further
up the route than Marford. By the
time I got off it was easier to
avoid the flob.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
We had Jeremy Marshal. We called
him Bummer Marshal. He was special
because he had bummed a dog.
(pause)
If you touched him you got homo
disease. It got a bit tiring
because if anybody wrote "Marshal
Sat Here" on a chair you couldn't
use it.
(pause)
It took us two years to hound him
out of school.
(pause)
When he went the headmistress told
everybody off in assembly.
(pause)
We couldn't stop laughing.
Kipper, 11, walks down the street, rubbing his ear tenderly.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
My sister pierced me ear for me
when I was eleven. It always had to
be the left ear. You've got to
remember the saying: right ear,
right queer. By the time I was 15 I
had 5 studs in the fucker, and 2 in
the right. It was alright as long
as you had more in the left.
12.
Kipper, 11, and his mates have spread some lino in front of
it and are break dancing badly.
We see one of the kids trying to spin on his head and failing
miserably.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
That's Nick Nottage. A few years
later we started calling him Tickle
On The Tum. That's because he never
had any nodders and he used to pull
out of a girl just before he came
then wiped it off. He should of
used crisp packets like the rest of
us. If you liked the girl you
didn't turn it inside out.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Sharps came to our school. They
gave a talk about the new plant.
Afterwards the careers teacher told
us off because they had been
extremely disappointed. Not many of
us were suitable for shift work at
the factory.
13.
MR BROWN
You know what we should do to you.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
I thought that was a massive
fucking compliment.
(pause)
The wood work teacher, Mr Brown,
was right cunt. I got him in my
first year.
MR BROWN
You smile too much Kendrick. I
don't like it.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
It’s a good job he didn’t teach
metal work.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Oh, hang on, he did.
14.
Kipper and Roger,11 stand with their noses against the wall
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Once Mr Brown made me stand with my
nose against the wall for an hour.
I can't even remember why.
(pause)
He used to make the kids from Auto
Mechanics clean his car with the
fire hose.
KIPPER, 18
Fucking cunt.
MOUSY
Fuckin' Bruce Lee.
KIPPER, 18
Fuckin Mad fuckin' Max.
He kicks the shit out of the bloke then steps back in a Bruce
Lee pose.
KIPPER, 18 (CONT’D)
Fucking Fastest hands in fuckin'
Wrexham.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
I don't know why I did that.
Probably frustration.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
Frustration of not having a choice.
15.
He bumps into an 18 YEAR OLD KID. They turn round and glare
at each other.
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
They put a sign outside the
brewery, promoting Wrexham Lager.
Timmy was pleased because he
thought it said "Wrexham's Larger"
OLD KID
What you lookin’ at pal?
KIPPER, 33 (V.O.)
She’s fuckin' breakin' up.