Changing your words will change your relationship. "You-statements" show no ownership of emotions but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. "You-statements" make your partner feel defensive and resentful. An "I-statememts" on the other hand, is to express how you feel inside, "I-statements" reduce hostility and defensiveness. When using "I-statements" you take responsibility for the part you played in the disagreement and display the openness for deep listening and resolution.

The next time the opportunity to know another's experience presents itself, try out what it feels like to listen without strategizing to keep yourself positively positioned -- without defending the story of who you are and what you have or have not done.

Learn how to stop being defensive so you can avoid unnecessary pain caused by patterns of defensiveness. Get the 7 tips here!

You cannot defend yourself without being defensive. Instead, you need to remove the defense framework completely. A marriage therapist explains.

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Yvonne | Relationship Coach | Marriage & Family Therapy Student on Instagram: "Defensive behavior is TOXIC.. Defensiveness is defence mechnism that aims to protect you when you are getting feedback, which you take as criticism.. The goal is to avoid feeling hurt or shame, and rather than owning up to what you did or said, you get defensive.. It typically develops due to childhood experiences where you were either emotionally or physically abused, neglected or received a harsh parenting…